Narfle the Garthok

2011-10-02T22:35:00.000-05:00

I was at a wedding yesterday and I was thinking about my friends. I have a couple of different sets of friends--the dancing friends, the gaming friends, the friends I used to work with, and my friends up north. Sometimes these groups mix, but not very often. I don't mix my dance friends with any other group.

Here's the thing--I was at this wedding for one of my gaming friends son. I walked into the reception and noticed the postage size dance floor--and no one was dancing even though Michael Buble was signing his heart out on CD. This is actually normal for most people, but not for "dance people". The first dance was almost painful to watch. The bride and groom had no rhythm and even managed to make the white man sway look difficult. The rest of the dancing was a lot of spastic movements and jumping up and down. The thing is that they were all having fun--and that is most important thing. I find that I don't always have fun dancing anymore. I danced twice--once in the dollar dance with the bride and once with the groom's mother. I tried to lead them through some basic moves, but it was very difficult. I watched as other people thrash around and realized I become Len Goodman when I am watching people dance. There was definitely not proper hold or footwork anywhere.

When I am not dancing with my dance friends, I find it hard to fit in. They always say they want to play games, but they don't understand the gaming world as my gaming friends do. Their idea of a fun game is Farkel or Mexican Train. When you have choices like Settlers of Catan, & Wonders, and Dominion, Farkle is really boring.

So, the question is how do I meld the two together? Each of my worlds are so different. I honestly don't feel like I really fit into any of the worlds myself. Of course I always feel like an outsider. I was at the wedding and I sat with a couple of friends--not mingling, not dancing, not doing much of anything except singing along to the music. Afterwards, I felt kind of sad and pathetic.

I thought about asking a good friend from my dance group to go to the wedding with me, but I didn't know how and I didn't want her to not like my other friends. I know it is stupid, but I don't want some of my friends to meet because I am afraid they won't like each other, when that won't happen and even if it did, it is not that big of a deal.

Anyhow, now I regret not bringing someone to dance with. I regret not letting my friends meet in an environment that is pretty safe. They say life is too short for regrets, but my life is regret. I keep thinking someday it will be better, but it will only be better once I determine to make it better. We'll see how that works for me.

Step one: agree to go to a birthday party that will definitely put me outside my comfort zone.

2011-07-10T23:51:00.000-05:00

I was using this blog for therapeutic reasons, but I haven't been posting lately even though I really should be. I am still enjoying my job, but I seem to have bouts of paranoia. On the weekends I tend to just sit around and do nothing or I do meaningless stuff so that to keep myself busy. I am not exactly sure what I am hiding from, but my avoidance issues are still in full force. This weekend was pretty bad as I ignored two party requests. I really felt uncomfortable about possibly attending either one. I felt like it would take a lot of energy to attend either off them and pretend to have a good time.

Anyhow, at work I am feeling like I am letting my boss down even though I have only been there about five months, I feel like I should be performing better. I have a lot of experience and I should be able to bring it all to bear to solve the issues, but I spend a lot off time second guessing myself. I also have gained a lot of weight since starting the job. I really need to watch what I eat and get some better exercise. I am feeling a little lost in my life and I feel like there is something missing. I know I would feel better if I would clean my house but again I can't seem to do it. At this point out seems insurmountable. It is all just excuses-and I know that logically, but it still doesn't seem to make a difference.

On the plus side I really want to do something I find fun I was looking st some Legos and I really though about piling out an old set or maybe one of the new sets I haven't opened

2011-04-19T22:34:00.000-05:00

It has been very busy. I am still working and the amazing thing is that the person I was having such a difficult time with is no longer with us. It has made thins more hectic, but in a way it has made them easier. I still worry that it had to do with me and now I need to be extra great to make up for it. I am still struggling withe project, mostly because I have been distracted by other issues that keep coming up.

My neck is doing a little better, but my chiropractor is trying to get me to exercise more and eat better. I really want to, but I keep doing the opposite. I still have things I need to do to close down the corporation. I managed to get my taxes done at the last minute, but there are so many other personal things to do. My house is a mess and I need to get my garage door fixed.

Anyhow, I have an early morning tomorrow.

2011-03-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

It has been in interesting times since last I wrote anything. I started a new job back in February in its been going really well up until this week. It is a lot smaller company than I worked for before and there isn't much structure--or at least there isn't documented structure. They do things specific ways, they just don't think of it as a process.

I really have enjoyed being part of the team again and making some money. Unfortunately, they don't really act like a team right now. Everybody's kind of seems to be isolated in their own little world. The team is 2 people right now and used to be 3. No one seems to really know what the other is doing. They just divide things up and go about their business.

The trouble has come up because I was asked to lead a project. The person who was working the project is the one who is leaving. When I was asked to lead the project she all the sudden dumped everything on me and then started this tell me everything you want me to do routine. At this point I had been with the company a few weeks and had just been introduced to the project. The team manager then wanted me to collect the time remaining on tasks for the daily stand up meeting. She didn't care for that and complained about the manager micromanaging. Daily standups are one of the tools for agile development. Anyhow, there is some kind of issue with me and the manager is trying to figure out how to handle the situation. He doesn't really like conflict and doesn't seem to know how to resolve it. Unfortunately he wasn't feeling well on Friday so I couldn't get it resolved before the end of the week and now it is driving me a little nuts.

I really don't think it is to the point they want to let me go, but I keep asking myself if this is what I want and should I go. I need to find out what the issues are and determine if I think they can be dealt with. I honestly think things will work themselves out over time, but we will need to be a little more honest with each other. I have been feeling like the other team members are being a little passive-aggressive and in response I have been a little passive-aggressive myself which I know isn't helping the situation. I haven't been doing my best to keep things calm, so I am partially to blame for the situation.

We will see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully, I still will have a job.

Otherwise, about a month ago I woke up on a Saturday morning and my left arm was killing me. It was so bad that by noon I went to an urgent care facility. The doctor gave me muscle relaxers and told me to take some ibuprofen. I was leery of ibuprofen because it has some similar properties as aspirin and I am allergic to aspirin. Anyhow, as the week goes on, there is no relief and things were not getting better. All week long friends had been saying I should go to a chiropractor. On Friday, I decided to take their advice. Unfortunately, by the time I made the decision, it was too late to get an appointment, so I had to wait until Monday. I have always thought chiropractors were not exactly real doctors, but I was desperate. After the past several weeks, my opinion of chiropractors has changed drastically. It turned out I had a nerve injured in my neck. It took a couple of weeks, but I am finally feeling better. The pain is pretty much gone, but my arms still feels weak and there are sore spots on my shoulder blade and where my chest meets my shoulder. I am hoping it will be all the way better soon.

I learned a couple of things--I need to stop sleeping on my stomach, sleeping on my back makes my mouth dry, it is easier to sleep on my side with a pillow between my knees, my arms want to go over my head when I relax because the muscles in my neck are tight and ibuprofen is great stuff.

2011-02-03T19:08:00.000-06:00

I can't believe this weather. First we get a buttload of snow and then it is deathly cold. I was supposed to start a new job on Tuesday, but because of the impending weather they asked me to come in Monday afternoon and then sent me home with a desktop computer. Luckily I still had an old 50' cat 5 cable to connect the computer to my router. I normally connect using a wireless connection, but the desktop did not have a wireless card. I worked from home for two days after only having been in the office for 1/2 a day. It turned out alright, but I am a little nervous as to whether they feel they are feeling they are getting their money's worth. It is a decent place to work so far--3 1/2 days into it. I am very excited to have a job and I have enjoyed the little things they have had me work on. The two days at home were spent getting back familiar with the technical environment. On top of that I was crippled a little bit by the rubber roll up keyboard I was using. I could not find my full size keyboard. Also, i was using an old 15" monitor. They would have let me take home a monitor and keyboard, but I didn't want to carry all the crap.

During the snow I decided not to shovel and wait for all the snow to fall. This is the first time that was a mistake. I went out Wednesday during my lunch break and shoveled for about an hour and only got half the driveway done. The snow had drifted on the driveway and I was basically shoveling twice--once to take off about 8 inches of snow and a second time to finish up. Some industrious guys came by and offered to shovel the rest of it for a fee--I paid them too much, but I really did not want to shovel any more and I didn't have time if I wanted to make it to D&D Encounters.

D&D Encounters was the final episode for the season. We had missed two other sessions recently--once for snow and once because the DM got stuck at work. Only a few of us showed up and we died a horrible and cruel death, but at least I got to play which I was happy about. Originally, the DM was saying he did not want to do next season, but the GM rewards were actually decent for the next season so he decided he would go ahead and do it. I was kind of looking forward to a break, but I will show up because that is the kind of guy I am.

I am so glad I have a job because lately I keep going over my minutes on my mobile phone. If it keeps up I will have to get a more expensive plan. I think it will stop, since my sister was calling me a lot during the day and now I am working. I was also using the phone to call about job leads and such. I am hoping to see a huge decline in minutes use over the next month. I really want a new phone, but I don't want to pay for the current plans--and they would make me switch to one of the new plans if I got a new phone. The other thing holding me back is that I am afraid I would spend too much time playing Angry Birds.

Anyhow it is about time for my psychologist appointment and I really need to go to the bathroom.

2011-01-30T22:14:00.000-06:00

I have been very busy the last week or so. I am still trying to close down my corporation and running into block after block, but I continue to persevere. Once again my representative with the profit sharing plan company I am working with is no longer at the company and I have anew rep. Just when I thought I was on the home stretch, this happens and I feel like I am starting over again. The good news is that I have a banking rep lined up to help me so once I get the go ahead, I can move forward somewhat quickly.

I start a new job on Tuesday. It is a contract to hire, so I am still a little apprehensive. I am going to be programming in RPG which is a weak language for me, so it will be a hard road to get up to speed. I am very excited about the job even though I will be making a little less than I was making before. It is still a lot of money all things considered.

The Sunday school teaching thing is also going well I think. Today the kids were a bit restless, but I kind of expected that since the weather has been fairly nice the last couple of days. If they were older I would have expected more, but since they are only in third grade, I thought they did well. They actually participated in the discussions and were active. I think they are taking advantage of my niceness a little bit, but if they get the information. then I am OK with that. I need to come up with something more engaging for my next class in 2 weeks.

My volunteer work/part time employment at the local food bank has really been fun. I really enjoy solving people's problems. Since I started coming in twice a week in the afternoon, I have been able to do a little more follow up and find out if what I am doing helps. I was so excited when one lady who I had helped set up a projector and connect to the network for a presentation said that everything worked great. The last time she did a presentation, the connection to the network failed and they had to resort to printed handouts.

I went shopping today to get some clothes for work. I really hate shopping these days. I am not that excited about the current fashions and being short and in between waist sizes makes it really unfun. They don't make a 35W/29L pant so I either have to go to a 34 waist and be snug or a 36 and be loose. Normally I opt for the smallr, but this time I went with 36. We'll see how it works out. My other concern is that I lost weight when I was laid off, and I am afraid I will gain it back. I am already feeling a little bigger. i should have been able to fit into the 34 waist pants better than I did.

I am wondering about potential snow issues. The weather team isn't able to give anything definite yet, but there is talk that there might be bad weather tomorrow night/Tuesday morning. Since I am starting Tuesday, I don't know what to do if there is some question whether the manager I am supposed to meet is not able to make it into the office.

On a whole, I am still feeling very upbeat. I even when to a Winter Dance at a local high school. I was invited by a friend when knew a woman with extra tickets. The dance is basically a fund raiser for the jazz band and the woman's son played sax in the band. Several of my friends were there and we danced a little. but I wasn't wearing my dancing shoes and the floor was hard linoleum. It was a lot of fun and they had some good snacks.

Now, I need to go to bed so that I can get some sort of sleep pattern down. This past week I have been trying to get up early. I actually set up appointments in the morning to make it so that I have to get up. The problem is that I haven't been getting to bed earlier. This resulted in crashing this afternoon for a 4 hour nap. I felt way better afterward, but it upset my schedule to sleep that long. I also have been trying to stay consistent with my medications. I have been bad at keeping up with things and that needs to change.

2011-01-18T23:55:00.000-06:00

My HVAC guy came today and fixed my blower. The fan was loose and rattling. It is so nice and quiet right now. I also got some laundry and some dishes done. I still have more to go on both, but it is nice to be making progress. I am going to have to switch insurance soon since my Cobra is about to run out. I am not sure what my deductibles and things will be, so I am not sure if I will continue visiting my psychologist. I finally set up a doctor's appointment before I switch insurance. I want to talk to him about getting off the anti-depressants. I haven't used the anti-anxiety or the sleep aids in a while. It seems longer than it really has been--it has probably been about a month for the anti-anxiety and a couple weeks for the sleep aids. The anti-anxiety pills I used as sleep aids every now and again--they were enough to get me to fall asleep, but not enough to make me sleep 8 hours and still be groggy. There was a time a month or so ago when I forgot to take my anti-depressants and my mood really went down hill. Things are going so well right now that I don't want an artificial downer because I am coming off a medicine.

I am now also stressing a little over accepting the position offered to me too quickly. I didn't have a chance to talk about benefits or vacation or anything. I am confused how it works to do this contract to hire process. I am planning to talk to them about some things I want when I transition, so we will see what happens. My biggest issue is getting more vacation. They start at 2 weeks to the best of my knowledge and I want at least 3 weeks--more if they don't have enough holiday time. I believe people need to have down time and the older you are the more quality down time you need to get.

Right now I am sitting in my La-Z=Boy recliner with the heat and massage going. My back was hurting most of today. I am not sure why, but this is really feeling good. I think it might of been how I slept. Between the running nose and the noise from the HVAC system, I haven't slept so well the past two nights. Hopefully tonight will be better. I will let you know.

2011-01-16T18:20:00.000-06:00

I'm sick and my heater is making a horrible sound like when the washing machine is off-balance. I really just want someone to make me some soup, but since I am alone, I will either have to do it myself or go out and get some. Although, I am thinking about getting a Chipotle burrito. I really don't care for Mexican food, but I am beginning to appreciate more and more. I ate at Jose Pepper's on Friday and now I am kind of wanting a burrito. I wish I knew a good fast food type place that sold soup. Maybe I should go to Panera. I really want chicken noodle soup, but tomato or even French onion sound good.

The good news is that I was offered a job on Friday and accepted it. The bad news is--I probably accepted too quickly. It is a contract to hire type thing and I am not sure how much negotiating I will be able to do at the transition. I should have asked more about that and tried to do some negotiating for the transition now. We will see how it works out. I won't make as much as I used to, but the responsibility is less and I will be doing more technical work. I will still be making a good salary--whether it will be good enough to support a two lesson a week dance habit I don't know, but since I haven't had a dance lesson in about a year, I don't see that as a major issue. I think I should be able to afford a 1 lesson a week dance habit. I won't start that back up until I feel confident I actually will transition. So in the meantime, I will set aside some money in a dance fund and depending on how that goes, I will buy lessons. I also need to do some repairs to the house, so that will of course take top priority.

I may go a different route. I always wanted to learn an instrument, so I may take some piano or guitar lessons--they are a lot cheaper than dance lessons. I also want to learn to sew--I know that sounds weird, but remember my sister has that cool embroidery sewing machine I would like to do some cool stuff with it. It is too early to tell exactly what I will do, but my year has definitely being going fairly well. It is not perfect, but I am enjoying myself and feeling more positive. I really think I needed this break the last year to mope and wallow and determine what my priorities are.

I always feel weird saying things like this, but I think God really did have some kind of plan and is trying to teach me something. My life was kind of going no where and my focus was on material things. I believe that I have gotten a little more perspective although now that I have the job, I have started thinking about what to buy and how to spend the money, when I really need to continue to live the way I have been and build my savings back up. I am literally about out of money at this point. It is good that I got a job because in a another month, I would be living off credit cards and whats left of my 401K after the going into business for myself debacle.

I am feelilng like I need some food, so I think I will brave the winter weather and go to Panera for soup.

2011-01-12T22:00:00.000-06:00

Another positive day. I had my face to face interview and I think it went well. I am not sure they are going to offer me the programming job, but I didn't panic and I held my own. Also, at the end the manager brought in two additional managers who have openings that will be made public in the near future to talk to me about those opportunities. Unfortunately, I am not sure how this is all supposed to work with the consulting company I am working through--I guess I need to ask about that.

The bad part about today was that my friend who runs the D&D Encounters was stuck at work tonight and so we were unable to run the adventure. I would have been happy to run it for him, but I was unable to get the materials from him. Most of the group showed up, so we talked for about an hour. I knew I was the oldest one there, but I wasn't sure just how young the others were. Two of the guys were born around the time I graduated from high school and the young woman was younger than that. It was an interesting discussion. We talked mostly about gaming and computers. While they were pretty young, so are home computers and video game consoles. I still had a pretty fun time and got to know the group a little better.

The worst part of today was coming home and having the special on Tucson on TV. I know it is a horrible tragedy and I feel for those people impacted, especially those who lost loved ones, but I didn't want to see that. I ended up switching the channel and watching Iron Man for a while. While I was catching up on Facebook I came across a link to Jon Stewart's commentary on the tragedy in Tucson. I was actually impressed with what he said--he did ramble on a bit, but it seemed heart felt and genuine.

Tomorrow will be another day.

2011-01-11T21:46:00.000-06:00

My positive new year seems to be going well--last week I won $2.00 in the lottery which is the first amount I have one in several months, I had a phone interview that resulted in a face to face interview later this week, and I started a paid temp job today. I am not going to get paid much, but it is something additional to put on my resume. The interview was for a technical position coding RPG on an IBM iSeries. I have only a little experience with RPG, but I have over 15 years experience with the iSeries (AS/400)--unfortunately I was in one of the few places that coded in COBOL. They were a little put off by my lack of experience, but they asked if I would be interested in a Business Analyst position. I was originally looking at BA positions, but I was more excited about the coding job. So, I have an interview scheduled later this week and they want to interview me for both the programmer position and a BA position that will be opening soon. I found the first opening through a friend I used to work with and things just sort of fell together--the company wants to go through a contract company so they can "try before the buy". It just so happens that I have a relationship with a contract company for the temp job I am doing with a local charity. Everything seems to be coming together kind of like the stars aligning. I hope I am not jinxing it, but I am so excited.

In keeping with my positive outlook, I actually shoveled the snow out of my driveway. I usually just let it accumulate until I can't drive my car over it or until it melts. I am even getting better at it--it only took me an hour. The snow was dry and not packed, so it was pretty easy to move around--unfortunately that also meant it kept blowing back at me. I didn't care and just kept going. Normally I finish and sit on the couch the rest of the day aching and tired and today I went to work and felt like I accomplished some things.

My next step is to start exercising. I have a treadmill and a Crossbow thingy in my basement and I need to start using them. I want to start with the treadmill until I can clean the basement a little to have a place to pull out the Crossbow. I have lost about 30 to 40 pounds (I think that is about 2 stone in imperial measures) since I was laid off. I have kept it off for a while now, but lately I feel like I am losing muscle and not fat. Also, I am hoping if I start exercising I will have more energy.

I need to go to the doctor and get some refills on my medication. I am afraid if I run out of my antidepressants without doctor supervision, I will fall apart. I stopped taking the medication a while back for a couple of weeks and starting feeling down and thinking the world was against me. I really want off the medication as soon as possible, but I want to make sure I do it correctly.

Hope springs eternal--it has been somewhat trying for the last several months, but now things are looking up or at least I am being more positive.

2011-01-05T00:11:00.000-06:00

I am back home and the anxiety is returning. Actually, it is not as bad as I thought. I had more anxiety the last couple of nights wondering what I would have waiting for me when I got home. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, but I am kind of avoiding my life right now. For new year's I was planning to be more happy and positive--and to not avoid things. I am avoiding already, but I will try to change over the year. A friend of mine told me about a job opening and I am pinning a lot of hope on this job possibility. My finances are not good and my Cobra runs out in March. I could really use an income and health benefits at this point.

The holiday wasn't too bad even though I was back with my parents--it was about what I expected. I still feel I should have stayed home and gotten some of the business things taken care of. This is part of why my finances are a mess--it is really the business finances that are a mess. I should never have started this business. I need to schedule an appointment with my doctor while I still have insurance and get my prescriptions refilled--especially the anti-depressant. Last time I went off it, the result was not good. I could probably do it if I had a job, but I am not sure.

The best part of the trip was the drive down and back. While it is extremely long and tiresome, I was able to listen to some books on tape. Between Thanksgiving and this trip, I got through four of the Narnia books by C. S. Lewis--Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The Silver Chair and finally The Last Battle. The Last Battle just went on and on at the end and was not what I was hoping for to tie the series up. Unfortunately, I finished the book several hours before the trip was done. I ended up catching up on The Onion podcast and listening to a few old Paul and Storm podcasts. At Thanksgiving, I had also caught up on Wil Wheaton's Radio Free Burrito podcast. I have only gotten to November 2008 on the Paul and Storm podcast, but so far I like it. It is really just the two of them talking about stuff--but that is all they promised and they delivered. The bonus is that I find the stuff interesting. I don't think it is for everyone, but I think a lot of people would find it interesting if they gave it a chance.

My only problem is that I have one of those FM transmitter thingies to play the iPod through the car stereo and it seems like I was changing the station every half hour and even then I got a lot of static. I would never listen to music that way. My next car will have an iPod connector or at least some kind of stereo auxiliary jack for an MP3 player. I had one in the rental car after the crash and I loved it. If I was employed, I probably would have replaced the car with a new car that had an MP3 jack compatible with my iPod.

Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day and I need to finish a resume. I also want to get up and walk on the treadmill for a while. One of my resolutions is to get more exercise--mostly because it is supposed to raise energy levels, but also I would like to lose a little weight. I have already lost some because of the depression, but I think much of the weight I have lost has not been the right kind of weight loss.

Anyhow, lots to do tomorrow so I am heading to bed. Let's see if I can change--I know that I can so I am sure it will happen (positive attitude? check).

2011-01-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!
Here's to a better life this coming year. When I was in college I took a course on German literature from the turn of the century (19th to 20th century). In the course we discussed how the literature for the ten years leading up to and the ten year following was pessimistic and dark. Evidently this was a pattern that had developed over the centuries. While a century is a man-made marking of time, people still think of it as significant. Anyhow, now that we are ending the turn of the century, I am hoping that things will start looking better in all aspects--the economy, the job market, the wars in all parts of the world. Maybe if enough people believe things will get better, it will happen.

For some reason the lyrics to an old ABBA song always come to mind--maybe because it is called "Happy New Year". Honestly, it seems to be a little depressing, so I am going to share the refrain, which is not as depressing.

Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don't we might as well lay down and die
You and I

2010-12-27T17:01:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!!

Lately it seems like I only post on Mondays. It has been a rather long week. After rushing through last week, it continued into this week as I got ready to go see my parents on the east coast. Unfortunately, before I could do that I was trying to close down the corporation I started in the spring, and ran into a last minute snag. The business valuation my CPA was doing turned out to be the wrong thing and I had to find someone else to do one. I am still trying to get it done by the end of the year, but it doesn't look good. I am still hopeful though.

The drive down was nice, I listened to Prince Caspian and Voyage of the Dawn Trader--both part of the Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis on my iPod. I even started The Silver Chair, but using a FM transmitter didn't work as well as I had hoped and I kept having to change the station. I wish they was a better way to listen to them in my car.

Christmas was good, but it was also somewhat disappointing. Since I am unemployed, I didn't buy many gifts this year and feel really bad about it. On top of that there were not very many people at home this year, so it was light in that manner as well. Also, I didn't tell people what I needed or wanted--because I don't seem to know--and so I didn't get much in the way of gifts. One of my sisters did send me some Star Wars cookie cutters, sandwich cutters and a Darth Vader spatula--all from Williams Sonoma. They are very nice, but extremely impractical. I like getting some things that are impractical. Santa Claus brought me some tools and also put a set of Buckyballs in my stocking. The Buckyballs are a lot of fun--I highly recommend them--but they are definitely not for children.

I slept so good over the weekend, but now that the week has started, so has my anxiety. I have the whole closing down the corporation thing and the resume bootcamp thing that are now weighing very heavily on my mind. I regret so many things and I wish I could just let them go. That is my New Year's wish is that I will learn to let things go and not dwell on every little detail. Also, I hope to be a little more positive and upbeat. Wish me luck.

2010-12-20T14:18:00.000-06:00

It has definitely been a whirlwind week. With the holidays coming up, I have been running around like crazy. Last Monday I went to Sprint to take back the Samsung Galaxy Tab--the amount of money it was going to cost on a monthly basis just wasn't worth the money--and I found out I was one day over the time frame to return it. This was devastating. I ended up canceling the service and was able to reduce the penalty for early cancellation since I am a Sprint Premiere customer and have had Sprint service forever. I was on the phone a long time to make this happen, but I feel it was worth it. Unfortunately, I still have the device. I thought I had someone who wanted to buy it, but I haven't heard back in a while. I need to list it on Craig's List, but that is one of my issues I have had for a while. I have a lot of junk that I want to get rid of, but I just don't do it. Someday I will sell my PS/2, my Wii, and maybe some collectibles.

Tuesday, I spent a lot of time in bed. I was having kind of a bad day from a depression point of view. I had a lot of things I felt I needed to do for the resume class and decided not to play games that night. I didn't get nearly as much done as I wanted, but we have been through that. Wednesday I went to fill out some paperwork at a temp agency so that I could get paid for some extra work I will be doing for a non-profit for whom I have been volunteering. They wanted me to give a urine sample, so I had to get that done before I went home for my resume class. I stopped at Wendy's for a bite to eat and then headed over. I could not find the location and tried to call them. Of course, there was no answer. There was another location I had been given--and it had a similar name, so I called them to see if they could give me directions to the place nearby or any additional information I might need to go to their site. Luckily they answered and got me to where I needed to go. And then I went home for the class and followed up with D&D Encounters at my Friendly Local Game Store.

Of course, afterward, I went to a friends and played a game--A Game of Thrones LCG. It is a "Living Card Game" which means they come out with new card sets every so often, but you buy the whole set at once instead of like "Collectible Card Games" where you buy packages of 11 or cards and hope to find a rare card in the mix that is worth some money. Magic:The Gathering started the whole CCG thing if I am not mistaken. Anyhow, the game was kind of interesting, but we only had two players so we didn't get to use the title figures or the board. I ended up losing because my opponent was able to play a plot card that enabled him to go through his plots faster so that on the last round I was stuck with my one remaining plot and he had just refreshed his plot deck. It was very close and had the stars aligned just right I could have won.

Thursday was spent all day practically volunteering. I did some Christmas shopping for my sister, went home, and then went to a confession service at the church--I have not been to confession in over 25 years. It went well, but I am not sure I feel forgiven--but then again my life has been on overdrive the last couple of days. Friday was my trip to the psychologist and then I went looking for a coach's jacket for my sister to give to her boyfriend. That was kind of a hopeless cause. These jackets are no longer fashionable and I am not sure coaches even wear them any more. I was unable to find one and then I was left rushing to get ready to meet some friends for dinner prior to going to the club.

A friend of mine had knee surgery Friday morning and somewhere in all this time she called and asked if I would stay with her overnight. Because of the anesthesia she was not supposed to be alone for the first 24 hours. Reluctantly, I agreed. So while getting ready, I also had to pack a bag for the night. She came to the club with other friends for the party and then I took her home after. At the party she won the 19" LED flat screen TV they were giving away and she was so excited. I didn't sleep well Friday night since it was a strange place and I was worried she would stop breathing and I wouldn't notice--it wasn't until I got to her house that she tells me the reason they want someone there is that death is one of the complications from anesthesia. I must have had a weird look on my face because she kind of laughed and started teasing me. Anyhow, she lived through the night and in the morning, she made some breakfast and we watched a little TV. As we were leaving Friday night, she had muttered something about me hooking up the TV, so Saturday I told her I wanted to see the picture and we should set up. So we did--of course, that meant moving the old TV to one of the bedrooms--where there was already a TV--and doing some shuffling of other things. All I can say is that even without high def service, the picture is really good. While I was reconnecting the TV in the bedroom, the light went out. I thought I had blown a fuse, but turns out the bulb was separating. I went to unscrew the bulb and the glass part moved but the metal base did not. I got some pliers and went to remove the metal base and she got kind of nervous and made me promise I wouldn't electrocute myself--I wondered if she understood I was thinking similar thoughts the night before. We watched some more TV and talked about some things, which was all good and I finally left with enough time to go home, clean up a little and get to some other friends' house for games--usually Settlers of Catan with most of the expansions.

I enjoy Settlers, but honestly I play it an awful lot these days. Anyway I got there a little late and they already had six players, so they had already started a game. I sat one the sidelines giving advice and quoting rules--I am very much a rules lawyer, but I try not to be too obnoxious--I evidently failed by interrupting one of the other players when he was trying to explain certain rules. Once they finished there were 8 people so we broke off into 2 groups with one group playing Settlers of Catan and the other playing Dominion. I played Dominion with two other guys--one of whom had played Dominion a couple of times and one who had never played. The games were good and I won the first game, but lost all the rest. I managed to leave at a decent time since I knew I had a busy day on Sunday.

I got home Saturday night and tried to go straight to bed, but it didn't work and I didn't get to sleep until around 2:00 PM. I had planned to go to church prior to playing games, but spent too long with my injured friend. When the alarm went off Sunday morning, I just couldn't get out of bed and I was supposed to make pierogie at my friends' up north. When I finally got up, there was a message to buy some kolache before I came to their house. I ended getting there about a half hour late. It wasn't a problem though, I still helped make some 300 pierogie before the end of the day. I enjoyed it, but it was very tiring. I stayed for dinner, but came home shortly after--which is unusual for me, but I was tired. I got home and was ready for bed at 8:00 PM. I got ready for bed and did some stuff on the computer until about 10:00 PM when my battery ran out and I was so tired I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. I was asleep shortly after.

I woke up this morning around 6:00 AM and instead of getting up and embracing the day, I turned over and slept a little while longer. When I couldn't sleep anymore, I watched a little TV and kind of zoned out--again not getting up and embracing the day. I didn't get out of bed until my resume class. After that, I finally got in touch with the people to close down the corporation--and the news didn't seem that good. I am thinking I am going to have to hired a certified valuation professional. I am never going to get this done. I really want the corporation closed this year, but now I am not sure it is going to happen.

2010-12-13T22:51:00.000-06:00

I always seem to complain bout not getting things done--which is my life these days. But the rest of last week was focused on a couple of key things--the most important being my friends coming over for dinner, gift exchange, and gingerbread house building. I kept planning to clean my house all week and of course I waited until the last minute. I always cut it close, but... I get ahead of myself.

On Thursday I had a long talk with the instructor of the resume writing class I am taking. She gave me a hard time, but she also knew what I was going through and was trying to help. I appreciate that she was working so hard to help me. I, of course, had tunnel vision and could only see the need to clean my house. I tried to work on the stuff she wanted me to, but I fell short of meeting the objective.

Friday was more trying to clean, and I did make some headway. I stayed in bed too long and then had my psychologist appointment. I told him I thought something was against me, but he kept pointing out how well I was dealing with the adversity in my life--namely backing into the garage door. He made some comment about the passage in the Bible regarding cutting off your hand if it offends you. I think he said it was in Mark somewhere. I tried looking it up to get more context, but I couldn't find. I probably could if I searched on the internet.

Friday night was a party at the club. I managed to clean a little in between, but it wasn't very much. There was next to no one at the club. All the other people who help behind the bar were all gone. I did the bar by myself and there was only one person helping pick up the cups afterward. They all had good reasons--birthday, Jim Brickman concert somewhere out of town, bladder surgery, preparing for a party the next night. The club wasn't that full in general and when I closed the bar to dance, it wasn't really a problem--and I had plenty of room on the floor for a quickstep.

Saturday was the big Christmas party that some friends hold every year. I started out the day grocery shopping and then frantically cleaning the house. I got a lot done, but there was still a lot to do. In the middle of this I was also making the gingerbread and baking the first half. My house smelled great. I finally had to quit to get ready for the party. I was trying to show up closer to on-time--I ended getting there about 45 minutes after it started.

When I got to the party, I was surprised how many people were already there--I normally come late as I thought all people did. There were several people I knew would be even later due to other commitments. The party was good and I got to see a good friend I hadn't seen since the spring. She has darkened her hair and it looked great. When she went blond it kind of washed out her face a little, but the new color makes her face glow. Plus I think she has lost a little weight--I probably should have asked. Women always like to be asked if they have lost weight. I keep thinking I should ask her out, but that is way far away from where I am emotionally. I just don't have the guts to do it. Plus, why would she go out with me--I'm short, fat and bald. Well, not as fat as I was, but I am still overweight. Anyhow, when I wanted to leave around 11:00 PM, I revealed that I was teaching Sunday School to explain why I needed to go. The friends who were there were surprised--everyone kept asking me how long have I being doing that. I think they were hurt that I hadn't said anything before, but they know that I don't talk religion around them. Anyhow, the party was good and the food was great. It was snowing when I finally left around 11:30--I was pleased with how the Prius handled in the blowing wind and snow. It was super cold so the snow was very dry and was blowing around causing visibility issues.

Sunday morning I got up early to put together a lesson plan. I managed to throw something together and headed off a little late. Class went well--I handed out kisses as the kids participated by reading or answering questions. I even got a few gifts from the students. We were missing almost half the class, which I am assuming was because of the snow and cold. I contemplated skipping church to finish cleaning and get ready for my friends to arrive, but I went. After church I came home and cleaned furiously and baked the second half of the gingerbread house. I was wrapping presents when my friends arrived. I had not finished vacuuming and the kitchen was a mess. My friends said only good things and I went about cooking dinner. Normally, we wait until after we eat to do the house, but we are always rushed so I suggested we do it before.

I tried a new icing recipe--a buttercream. I chose this mostly because I already had the ingredients and the royal icing we had used in the past was too runny. Well, this time the icing was too thick and the kids kept breaking the bags. Icing was everywhere. They got through the decorating while I continued making dinner--ham, macaroni and cheese, mixed vegetables, and crescent rolls. I had apple sauce as well, but forgot about it. When we were eating I kept thinking something was missing. After dinner we opened gifts and I was kind of teary eyed for some reason during the gift part. I still don't know why. My friend's aunt came with them and she brought me a little gift--I had something for her, but did not expect anything at all. The kids really liked the scarves--the boys wrapped them around their heads to become ninjas. Everyone was appreciative of the gifts which made me feel good. They got me the game Smallworld and a gift card to Lowe's. I am not a do-it-yourselfer and they said that part of the stipulation was that I needed to let them know what they needed help with so they could come and help. I had a hard time keeping it together.

I made more icing to assemble the house and made it thinner--unfortunately too thin. It was very runny and the house wouldn't stay together. It is still partially erected on my table. I need to decide what to do to get it finished so I can take it there this weekend when I go up to make pierogies. I go up most years and help with them. They are basically my surrogate family since my family is so far away--plus I feel like I am distancing myself from my family even though I have seen them an awful lot this year as compared to years past.

I think the problem is that I feel so guilty when I am at my parents' even though I don't getting anything more done when I am at home. I still need to decide if I am going back for Christmas--I have pretty much decided I will, it is just a matter of when and for how long. It would upset my sister a lot if I don't go home, plus I am supposed to buy her present for another sister and I haven't done it yet which means I haven't mailed it yet. I am not sure how much more time I have to mail stuff. I feel like such a grinch since I am not buying hardly any gifts this year. I need to get my parents something, but I have no idea what.

I need to get to bed. Let's see if I can get a sleep pattern going where I actually sleep.

2010-12-07T19:06:00.000-06:00

I am struggling with getting things done. Yesterday I attended the Resume Writing call without having done all the necessary prep work. The woman holding the classes is being very agreeable and letting me get away with it. I had a one-on-one call with her later and requested that she give me some more specific deadlines. I had so much anxiety yesterday morning prior to the call that I was almost physically sick--I haven't really been eating well since I got back from Thanksgiving and I know part of it is that I am so far behind on everything and have no energy to do anything. I have to think that part of the low energy is the fact that I haven't been eating.

On top of everything I keep finding ways to avoid doing what I need to do, such as writing on this blog. I have friends coming over to celebrate Christmas this Sunday, some friends' holiday party on Saturday and deadlines for my resume class. I also am trying to close down my corporation before the end of the year so that I won't have to deal with it next year. I feel like I am accomplishing things, but just not enough and definitely not fast enough.

I still feel like there is some evil force working against me. This past Saturday I backed into my garage door on my way to play games at a friend's house. My sister had called me earlier in the day and I decided I would call her while I was driving. I opened the garage door and went to the mailbox and got the mail. I got in the car and tried to call my sister. I was having some difficulty, but resisted the urge to start the car, because I wanted to be safe. I finally decided I was not going to call her, hit the garage door opener and started to back out when I heard it stop. Did you catch the error--yep, the garage door was already open and I closed it when I hit the opener. I heard a loud crunch and my heart just sank. It took me at least 15 minutes to get the door open manually so that I could get the car out. I took quite a few more minutes to close the garage door. Now my car is out in the cold and I need to call someone to fix the door. I don't really want to spend the money, so it is waiting for now.

My sister did call me as I was driving and I ended talking to her for a while including several minutes outside my friend's house. Her oldest son has decided to divorce his wife--she has been in and out of mental health facilities and has been staying with her parents for the past several months going to school to finish an advanced degree. While I hate it when anyone gets divorced, I can understand why he is doing it. My sister was worried about how the kids would take it, but their mom has been out of their lives for the last couple of years while she was dealing with her issues. I think my nephew is doing the right thing and I think they will all be fine. My nephew was very hesitant to take this step because my sister divorced his father when he was young and he knows first hand what it can do to a child, but his situation is so different from his parents.

I am even having trouble concentrating on this right now, so I will bid you all adieu.

2010-12-04T00:44:00.000-06:00

Well, it didn't go so good. I managed to not do a thing prior to the phone call for the resume class and then did nothing more after. I stayed in bed too long and then the class ran long and I had to rush to get to my psychologist appointment. After the appointment I went to the Bernina store to price out embroidery thread. I was disappointed at how expensive the variegated threads were. Part of th problem is that they had Isacord thread which is a bit more than the brand they stock for the solid colors. I am supposed to pick up some thread as a Christmas present for my older sister from another one of my sisters. I have an inventory of the thread she currently has and I gt to make the decision of what colors to get. I wanted to get variegated thread, but that will cut down on the amount of spool since one spool of variegated costs as much as almost 3 solid colors. I have a little more time to decide.

I also stopped by the mall to see how Christmas was coming along. I was surprised to see how may carts and shops were in the mall, Last year it looked pretty sparse and I wondered if the mall was in a decline, but it is hopping this year. I was trying to think what I could get some people for Christmas, but mostly just wandering. I wandered mostly through the stores with games. Go games already had some interesting games on sale, but still not enough off. Barnes&Nobles seems to have an expanded games section. Somehow it makes me a little sad.

Anyhow I got home in time to check some mail, surf the web, change and meet some friends for dinner before heading to the club. I danced a little more at the club tonight and Peter was back from the east to get his stuff ready to be moved out of his ex-wife's house. It was good to see him again. Some other friends who are having a baby stopped by the club after their office Christmas party. She was looking just about ready to deliver--but she still has three weeks. I almost put the burp cloths my sister help me make in the car just in case I ran into them, but didn't. I am not sure when I will see them next.

Once again, I need to go to sleep--bonne nuit et doux rêves.

2010-12-02T22:59:00.000-06:00

So Tuesday I go to the DMV to register the Prius so I can send the license plate back to my sister and her husband. I forgot it was the end of the month and that there would be a lot of last minute registering of vehicles. I should have guessed when the web ticket site was not working correctly. To make matter worse the renewal website had been down since the 24th. I waited several hours only to find out I needed to go to another location to have the car inspected first--and it was too late to get it done. I managed to get up early Wednesday and get in line via the website. I then go the car inspected and had a bite to eat before returning to the DNV at the appointed time. I waited about 20 minutes--it was a much better experience.

I missed the call for the resume workshop on Wednesday because I fell asleep. I was concerned what the instructor would think, so I sent an email apologizing. She was concerned that I was dropping out and seemed happy I was not. I am still not caught up, but I will trudge forward nonetheless.

I did manage to go to D&D Encounters, but it wasn't as much fun. I blame two things, a. I was sitting at the far end of the table and couldn't hear very well and 2. The young people at the other end were joking around and carrying on--I felt old and out of touch. The other old people were distracted with Talking Santa and Talking Tom on their Android phones. Of course, I played along a little with the Galaxy Tab that I need to take back in the next week. I did not follow the story and definitely did not follow all the jokes at the other end of the table. I went grocery shopping afterwards instead of going to my friend's house to play board games.

Today, I went and volunteered. While I still feel that I am not doing things fast enough, I felt like I accomplished quite a bit. The main thing was figuring out why one computer was not trusted by the network. Turned out it had the same name as another computer--if I were the network I would not trust someone with the exact same name as someone else. To make matters worse, no one knew a local ID for the machine. Luckily I figured it out by looking at one of the other Windows 7 machines set up about the same time--I also made an excellent educated guess as to the password. I was able to log into the local machine, remove it from the domain, change the name and re-add it to the domain. The young lady was very happy.

I needed to work on some stuff for the resume class and some stuff to close down the corporation, but didn't--I really need to get motivated on that tomorrow. I am hoping to get to bed early and then get up rested and rarin' to go tomorrow. I let you know how that goes.

2010-11-30T23:02:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was good and I had a pretty good time. I did some embroidery, got to fly my kite, and spent some time with family. My niece and her daughter were there. My great niece is very cute and my niece is very protective--all first babies are so fragile. I guess I have been around so many children that I know there are not as fragile as they look, but I am still amazed at how other people act around children.

I went back to my sister's house on Saturday where I worked to finish up the shopping bags and some burp cloths for a friend who is due around Christmas. Another thing my sister has been making for my baby sister who had a little girl a few months ago are burp cloths from diapers. She sews a strip of cloth on one end and then embroiders a little saying above the strip. At first she just sewed the strip on and then she saw some burp cloths in the Christian book store with Bible verses on them. My baby sister's husband is a chaplain in the military, so she thought it would be cute to put Bible verses on hers. Anyhow, I did not put Bible verses on the ones I embroidered, but I did put little sayings. I tried to match the fabric--on one with stars and moons on the fabric, I embroidered "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" on it. I also did one with the initial of their last name on it. I can't wait to give them to them and see what they say.

I didn't get them all done, because my sister was having problems with her toilet. We plunged for hours and couldn't get it clear. She even got a spring snake from my parents and we tried that for a while. In the end we left it for the morning. After church my Dad and brother came over and tried snaking out the vent since a plumber friend had suggested that. He managed to get a small wad of hair out, but the toilet still wasn't clear--in the end he pulled the toilet up and looked inside. There was actually a squirrel in the s bend. It was pretty disgusting. It was also very surprising. We pondered for a while how the squirrel got in there. Our best guess is that he somehow fell down the vent and tried to get out through the toilet. Of course, as much as we plunged, we could have sucked him up a little into the s bend, but we will never know. They are still talking about it back home.

Sunday I rode with my brother to meet my brother in law who I was buying a car from--I have a lot of sisters and therefore a lot of brothers in law. My sister and her husband were selling me their car at a really good price since I had totalled my car on Halloween. They said they were planning to trade it in on a new car when the end of the year sales started and would rather sell it to me to help me out than to trade it in. They were just being nice to me. I have never gotten much from my family in the past--not because my family wouldn't offer, but because I am not good at accepting. I have always felt like I needed to do everything myself--I think I have said that before. I am having some time dealing with accepting everyone helping me. Mom keeps giving me Wal-Mart gift cards telling me there is $50.00 on them and then I find out there is more--a lot more.

Anyhow, I bought the car--a Toyota Prius. I have wanted one for a while, but didn't want to pay the money for it. While I would have liked ot get a new one with all the bells and whistles, I am very excited about having this one. I drove it home and got decent mileage at first, but it declined as the hours passed. I think a part of it is that I was buying gas at Wal-Mart (see gift card discussion above) and they use ethanol which is not as good for the Prius. We'll see how things continue, because I would prefer to continue to get gas at Wal-Mart or Sam's using the gift cards.

I will continue the saga of the car tomorrow which will include my happy fun times at the DMV.

2010-11-24T23:29:00.000-06:00

I have been somewhat depressed with a lot of my family here. I keep dreading them asking me questions about how my job search is going and if they can have a resume. I don't know why I feel them knowing more would ruin their image of me. I think it is actually doing the exact opposite. They all think I am lazy and don't want a job, which is somewhat true. Of course lazy is a subjective term and really is a person judgment of someone else.

I did go to the kite store (Klig's Kites) to get the standoff I lost. They were great and actually replaced both standoffs with ones that attach with a screw so that I won't lose them. I got my first stunt kite from Klig's almost 30 years ago and going back and getting such great service made me feel good. My local kite store closed many years ago so I was very happy to get it fixed. I even got to go out and fly it for over an hour on the beach. It is a dual line stunt kite and I did a better job with it than I have ever done before. The wind was somewhat light, but steady once I got above the condos. I only crashed once in the beginning and it was a very gentle crash. I had a really good time and am sorry that I haven't flown any of my kites in a while. I really missed my Revolution II quad line that I bought about 20 years ago in Lubbock, Texas. I flew a lot in Lubbock since there was a lot of wind, but it was always a pretty strong wind which taught me a lot of bad habits. The gentle wind was so nice, like butta.

My sister made dinner last night in her condo. It was really good. She made a couple of types of pasta--and I really like pasta. One of them had broccoli in it and I really like broccoli as an adult. I hated it as a kid, but I guess tastes change. She also made a cream tomato sauce by taking a jar of spaghetti sauce and adding some cream to it. I need figure out exactly how she did it because it was really good.

Most of the time I have been embroidering on scarves and reusable shopping bags. I decided to create scarves for some friends and their kids for Christmas. I am not sure if I have mentioned how cool the sewing machine is, but it is super sweet. Her machine is like 10 years old, but it still does a great job. The scarves came out good and I added a few embellishments to the kids scarves. The new thing for this year was the shopping bags. My sister had bought some 99 cent shopping bags from T J Maxx and embroidered an initial on them for Mom, mys sisters and my nieces who were there. They look really cool, so we picked up a few more bags at Bed, Bath and Beyond to do for some of my friends. My sister is now in love with the Curlz MT font. It is a cool font and I used it on my bags and some of the scarves.

I should be working on my resume stuff. I missed the class on Monday because of the connection at the resort. It kept going up and down and I couldn't get dialed out. I am over my cell phone minutes by over an hour and I can't really afford the overage so I didn't dial in using it. I am disappointed, but also relieved since I am behind on all the work I need to do. Hopefully, I will get it done when I get back home, but that doesn't seem to be how I work.

2010-11-21T23:49:00.000-06:00

I am flying to the east coast to see my family for Thanksgiving and trying out the gogoinflight on the way.It works OK with the Samsung Tab, but it didn't work very well with my computer. I am not sure if it is just the large quantity of data that is being pushed from the computer, but I could not get any web sites to work other than gogoinflight.it is a nice concept, but I don't think it is ready for prime time. I was able to update facebook and twitter from the Tab, so I got over some of my frustration.

I really need to be working on my homework for the resume class I am taking. I planned to spend 10 to 15 hours working on it, but have yet to spend a single hour. The good news is that I finally got the financial information together and sent it to my accountant. I also sent an email to the people who set up the corporation to say I wanted to close it down. Hopefully I will hear something this week and maybe get some idea how long this process will take. I really have to thank my psychologist for making me finish that up. He made me promise that I would call him on Saturday at 2:00 pm to say whether I had completed the task or not. I didn't call him until later that night because I got carried away with other things I was doing and since I didn't finish until 4.

That was all I got done on the plane. While it was kind of cool to access the web on the plane, it wasn't as functional as I had hoped for. I spent way too much time trying to get connected and not enough being connected.

2010-11-18T14:03:00.000-06:00

I am sitting in the library trying to work on my resume for this course/seminar I signed up for. There are only three of us that signed up and I feel like more of a failure compared to the other two guys. They are both much more energetic and have way cooler experience than me. I was really hoping that I could find a kindred spirit in the class, but alas, I do not believe that will happen. I am feeling more depressed and to top it all off, the library moved some shelves and stuff around and now I cannot get power at the tables. I am having to sit in a comfy chair by a window. I am about to fall asleep.

I have been having really weird thoughts lately. I have started feeling like there is an external force working against me. I saw a show the other morning about Satan and the end of times and I feel myself kind of wanting the end of times to come. One of the weird things I have be feeling is a need to connect back tot the church. I have been going to mass pretty regularly on the weekends and I even starting teaching Sunday School. I keep thinking I want to go to Confession, but I haven't worked up the courage yet. On the flip side I have feelings of wanting to die and I often feel like I am restricted from doing things. It is like there is someone whispering all the bad things to me keeping me depressed and keeping my fear level high. It is probably just me trying to blame anyone or anything else for all my failings. I constantly distract myself from long periods of contemplation so that I the bad thoughts don't take hold, but that is also keeping the good thoughts from taking hold. According to some religious texts Satan is trying to take over by convincing people to do bad things--I feel like through inaction, he is accomplishing the same thing. If you are not actively fighting against evil and for a good and happy life, then you accepting it. I am still not sure I believe that, but it seems consistent with church dogma. We must believe in evil if we are to know what good is. It seems that only through comparison can you truly understand good.

I try to be a good person and most of my friends would say I am basically good. I do seem to tell untruths more often than I should and my very character is based on false demeanor. I appear calm and confident even through I am nowhere close. I keep telling everyone I am fine when I have this huge struggle inside me to move forward. I am often depressed and down--and the shorter days only make it worse. I am lying to the world, but it is just a small lie--it is not like I am telling everyone I am someone else, just that I am better than I am.

I really dread confession. I haven't been in 25-30 years. The last time I went I promised the priest I would go back in a certain amount of time which I have forgotten how long it was, but suffice it to say that I am long overdue on that promise. I want to go, because I think it would be cleansing, but like most things in my life I just don't do it. This is my daily struggle--doing things I want to do. Some would say I don't want to do them bad enough--and maybe they are right, but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel like something is holding me back and maybe it is Satan--I just don't know. I have a lot of friends that would laugh at me merely suggesting such a thing.

I need to head home as I have things to do tonight. I had said I would try to work 10-15 hours on my resume and I just don't see that happening by Monday. Great.

2010-11-16T00:16:00.000-06:00

I keep thinking I will update this blog more frequently, but I have the same problem with this as I have with everything else--I jut don't do it. I am so the opposite of Nike. I keep wanting to be different, but wanting doesn't make it so. I am afraid my COBRA is about up and I may have to stop my sessions with my psychologist. I probably should have seen a psychiatrist maybe it would have been a better experience--then again it may have all turned out exactly the same.

I signed up for a seminar to help me get a job and it is going to be a lot of work. I am already procrastinating and I hope I can get more motivated quickly. I am hoping that this will give me some accountability and get me going even if it is reluctantly.

My car was totaled from the accident I had a couple of weeks ago. I am pleased with the amount my insurance company is giving me, but now I have to get a new car. I haven't really looked for one and I need to get one soon. My brother-in-law is trying to sell me his 2005 Prius. I think it is in pretty good shape, but it has 135,000 miles on it and that concerns me a bit. I would like to have a Prius as they get excellent gas mileage. He says he will give me a good price, but I don't want them to feel like they did me a favor and now I owe them. They lent one of my other sisters some money once and she felt like they held it over her for a while. If I don't buy the Prius, then I need to get a car. I am flying to the east coast on Sunday and I either need to have bought a car or decided to buy the Prius so that I can drive it back. I am not excited about taking the time to drive back.

I did something completely bad. I pre-ordered the Galaxy Tab from Sprint on Thursday. I was shocked when it arrived on Friday. It was free shipping and they must have overnighted it. It is a cool little piece of hardware, but it doesn't seem to be helping me be productive. I finally have a device that I can play Angry Birds on--and I have been playing too much. One of the sites I frequent--Tanga--is starting a survey and offers type page and invited Super Tanga Users to try it out. One of the offers I signed up for was Mint.com. After I signed up, I found an Android app to interface with Mint.com. I had been ignoring my bank accounts, because they were running low and I would have a panic attack when I thought about it. My heart was racing so fast when the data loaded and I saw how little money I really have, so I guess it has been good for that. I was excited that the Galaxy Tab supported flash, but most of my favorite websites do not work still--netflix streaming, the Dungeons and Dragons Compendium, Hulu.com, asobrain.com, and the USA Today crossword puzzle to name a few. Evidently, the browser does not support Java. My biggest complaint is that is can't make a phone call. I can use Skype, but ony without video. I tried Google Talk, but it will only allow text conversations. It is also very expensive--approximatey $400 for the unit and approximately $30 a month for data services. I wish there was a WiFi only version, but that is not due until late next year. For $200.00 more I could have bought the thing outright from Sprint and canceled the required data plan. Anyhow, the interface is great, I love the size, and the existing Android apps seem to work well. If I had a job I would probably not be taking back in a couple of weeks.

This weekend I went bowling with some friends to celebrate Dawn's 40th birthday. I bowl maybe once a year or so. My highest score was a 135 and that was really good for me. I even had several strikes in that game.

Sunday school was nerve wracking. I still haven't got the hang of it. It went pretty well, but I am not sure what the kids are getting from it. Hopefully, they are getting something out of it--I feel like I am. After teaching the Rosary a while back, I was saying the Rosary practically every night. This week I stopped--I am not sure whether if there was any effect on me. I did feel a little guilty every night before bed. I went ahead and said a Rosary tonight before writing this entry.

Hopefully, I will be able to sleep tonight after realizing how little money I have and how much I have procrastinated on the resume application I am supposed to finish for Wednesday. I haven't taken a sleeping pill for at least a week and I hope to keep that up--I have been taking anxiety pills on occasion.

2010-11-07T23:42:00.000-06:00

Once more unto the breach,dear friends, once more...

I continue to update this blog and I wonder if it is being therapeutic at all. I am struggling in life and can't seem to let people help me. I feel weepy at weird times, I can't focus enough to watch a TV show all the way through, and reading seems completely out of the picture. I even have trouble typing a blog entry. One reason I force myself to type an entry every now and again it the lazy hope that people will click on the ads and I will make some money. So far I'm up to about $8.00--in another year or so I might be able to fill up my tank if gas prices don't rise too much.

I went to a resume worskshop on Thursday and even though I didn't get the result I was looking for, I did feel better about myself. I need to go through the information given and finish a resume. I went ahead and signed up for a more in depth 6 week bootcamp. It is well worth the money if I get a job with a decent salary and one that I like. I am working on zeroing on what I want to do--that is one of things I need to work out quickly.

As far as the car goes, I talked to the shop where it was taken on Tuesday. They let me know they were giving an initial estimate of over 10 thousand dollars--that means it will most likely be totaled. I am not excited about that. I don't want to have to buy another car. I will have to get a used car and it will not be as nice as my old one. I borrowed a friend's car for most of the week, but finally rented a car on Friday. I felt like I spent a lot of time going to my friend's house and back even though it was just the one night after the weekend.

I went to the graduation celebration and the open house at the club. It was disappointing in that there weren't that many people graduating or there to watch. Also, it seemed more disorganized than normal. Also, the staff is changing and I just don't feel as much as part of it like I used to. I believe this is contributing to my depression. I wish I had money for some lessons.

I spent the rest of the weekend at a friend's playing games. OK, I only played one game--Arkham Horror with the Dunwich Horror expansion from Fantasy Flight Games. It is a cooperative game where you try to close and seal gates to the Otherworlds before the Old One awakens and devours everyone. One game took us somewhere between 6 and 7 hours. I enjoyed the game, but since it took so long some people kind of faded after a while. Today I watched them play Thief of Baghdad from Z-Man Games. They had been playing for over an hour when I arrived. I think it took 4 or 5 hours for someone to win. Even though I watched for several hours, I still don't exactly know how to play the game. It looked very interesting and hopefully I will have an opportunity to play it again someday.

I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

2010-11-02T00:25:00.001-05:00

Last week went slowly and I continued to get absolutely nothing done. I went to the library several times to try and concentrate, but it didn't work. A friend of mine had given me a copy of game that was similar to Dominion for the computer. It has a campaign mode that dives you alternate goals to obtain certain cards before the AI ends the game and other things like that. It hasn't been easy and I spent too much time trying to get through a couple of the goals in the campaign. It definitely makes it a different experience. I am still playing a lot of Explorers which is similar to The Settlers of Catan and Toulouse which is similar to Carcassonne. I bought a computer game version of Puerto Rico a couple of years ago and have been playing that the last year. I am definitely playing too many games on the computer. I still have been playing D&D Enounters which is real life gaming. After the last session I went to a friend's house where we played Runebound: 2nd Edition. I haven't played Settler's of Catan with my other friends since before I went home for my reunion. On Thursday, I met a friend at Panera Breaad and we played Seismic. It was a pretty good game--a simple tile placing game similar to La Strada. It made for good two player game.

Since yesterday was Halloween, the Friday party at the club was Halloween themed. There was a little show in the middle of the party so they started the party early. Friday night seemed to drag on. I am feeling more and more out of touch with the people at the club.

On Saturday I was driving up to see a friend in an archery competition when I ran into another car--tearing up my right front fender and passenger door. I wasn't cited in the accident, but evidently the insurance companies are putting me at fault right now. There was evidently some debris in the road that th other car slowed down for. All I saw was all the cars in front of me move either to the right or left and this car was sitting in the middle of the road. I tried to go around but there was a truck next to me and I clipped the car because I wasn't able move all the way left. I don't have the rental car option so I am borrowing a friend's car. I am not sure how long I will be able to keep his car. I think I might rent a really cheap car if he needs his car back. My friend took first place in the competition for her category--just don't tell anyone she was the only one in her category. SHe did well even though there was no competition.

Saturday night I went to a Pumpkin Carving party. There weren't as many people as the previous years. This year I carved a pumpkin--the last few years I hadn't done a pumpkin but after the accident, I really felt like carving. I found a pumpkin with a green side and I carved a Cthulhu image from Cthulhu Dice. I used an older version of Dremel 7000-PK 6-Volt Pumpkin Carving Kit that I bought a few years ago and never used. I had fun and everyone was envious of my power tool.

Last night I went and saw the movie Red. I liked the movie. I expected more humor and a little less action, but it all worked. The are some really good older actors and I think I prefer the actors from that generation. There wasn't a lot of gratutios foul language or anything. The story was good and it was just done well. I would definitely recommend to anyone who wants action with some comedy.

Sunday morning I taught Sunday school by myself. Even the aide was missing. Her husband who evidently works with the second grade came in to help. I thought it was kind f disastrous, but I doubt anyone else felt that way. I went though the material I had prepared fairly quickly. I probably should have gone a little slower and not abbreviated some of what I had planned, but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for third grade. Even though we were scheduled to do the Rosary a month ago, some of the parents received an email for their kids to bring a Rosary to class. We spent the last twenty minutes saying three decades of the Rosary. I felt kind of bad for the kids, but several of them wanted to do it since they brought the Rosary in.

Today I went and got some things out of my car. The damag looked worse today than I remembered it. It was also overcast and gloomy, so I am trying to console myself by saying it was the lighting. Tomorrow I volunteer so I am headed to sleep, perchance to dream.

2010-10-25T23:41:00.000-05:00

I was reading a website on depression and I was amazed at how much it resonated with me. I know I am depressed, but I thought that there might be something else. I now wonder if I haven't been depressed for a good bit of my life. One of the interesting things they talked about was how depression has risen so much since the 1940's and that it doesn't exist in certain societies such as the Amish. They attributed this to modern society being more focussed on the self. Amish view everything in a communal manner so that if one person is hurting they all help to make it better. My biggest problem is that I feel pressure to conquer this by myself. I have to do everything myself or I have to pay someone to do it. I can't accept help from others.

Anyhow, another thing they mentioned was wondering about the purpose of life and thinking about death, not necessarily suicide but just dying in general. I do think about dying a lot--either through an accident or from disease. Sometimes it is not death, sometimes it is just injury or sickness that is debilitating. I know it isn't healthy, but I am not sure what to do about it. I also have trouble focusing and the site mentioned that is a trait of depression--not being able to read or concentrate on a task.

Today I also made it out to the Bernina store to pick up some stuff for my sister. The people there are so nice and helpful. Now that I seem to be going there on a regular basis they even recognize me. I had my sister's sewing machine for several months and really didn't do anything with it. I kept thinking I would take some lessons and make some things, but like everything else I kept putting it off until I gave it back. I wish I could just get motivated. At least I am getting few things off my list--still not the important things though.

Tomorrow I signed up for a tour of the library and hopefully that will get me going on searching for a job. I almost need a partner of some kind. I wish I had it in me to ask people for help, but alas I do not.

I am hoping to get up early tomorrow, so that means going to bed somewhat early tonight. The howl of the winds outside only echoed the tempest of thought.

2010-10-25T01:22:00.001-05:00

My week end was fuller than I thought. On Friday, I took some old records and textbooks to Half Priced Books to sell. Since the textbooks were so old and the records were mostly 80's pop, I only was offered a dollar. I figured that was better than nothing, plus they were going to donate the books to other groups that might be able to use them--I was happy as long as they didn't charge me to take them away.

Friday night I went to the club and realized how out of practice I am. My waltz was absolutely horrific--although still better than most people there. I think part of my depression is that I am out of lessons and I have no money for more. I really love to dance, but I am scared to dance with people--how weird is that. What ever I am going through seems so full of contradictions. I want to do things, but I am scared to death of doing them--or I just don't have the focus to do them. In a way I have been like this for a long time, but there are subtle differences. One of my biggest issues is that I can't read large amounts of texts--more than a paragraph and I start skipping through trying to get the gist of it.

Anyhow, Saturday I went to the FLGS for the Gamma World game day--although it wasn't as local as I would have liked. I enjoyed the experience, but it was very scary playing with people who I don't know. To make matters worse they all seemed to know each other and they were very imaginative. I felt out of place--of course I feel that way around people in general these days. The game has very simple mechanics and allows for a lot more imagination and role-playing if that is what you want. For example, there are basically 6 stats for weapons. When you choose a one handed melee weapon, you make up what the weapon actually is. One guy was part bear, part avian creature and his weapon of choice was a two handed melee weapon--a large metal pole with a sign on the end. The sign said "Don't Feed the Bears". The game lasted about 3.5 hours after the characters were created. The basic mechanic is a simplified D&D 4.0.

Later Saturday was the Saturday Social. I had thrown together a chicken broccoli rice casserole and put it in the crockpot on low. When I got back from the Gamma World game, the mixture was overcooked. I quickly threw another casserole together and cooked it in the oven. I was surprised at the number of people at the social. Most of them were new and I did not know them, but it was good to see decent attndence since a large number of the regulars were at an OU watch party--whatever that is.

Today (Sunday) I have been extremely tired and unmotivated. I almost didn't make it to church. Thank goodness there was no Sunday school today or I would have never made it. I did manage to finaly get some laundry done and to finish loading the dishwaser and starting it. I don't seem to be tired any more and I was hoping to get up early tomorrow and get my financials documented for my CPA.

I am going to put on an episode of Big Bang Theory and hope I can get to sleep.

2010-10-21T21:09:00.000-05:00

Wow, I feel like I have been busy although I still haven't gotten much done. I did manage to file the forms to close down the corporation, but I still need to get with my CPA and get the financials all figured out. Last week I went to my parents' house--my high school reunion was this past weekend and I decided to go. My parents, however left on Tuesday last week to visit my little sister and her new baby. They should be there about 3 weeks. This left me at their house by myself which was OK. I really enjoyed their high speed internet. Since they have 10 MB service I was able to watch some old TV episodes from Hulu.

The reunion was interesting. I was a geek in high school and really didn't have a lot of friends. I knew a lot of the people and of course you talk to them at school, but I didn't participate in the out of school activities such as field parties and the like. I enjoyed the seeing some of the people including my roommate from college, but I still managed to sit in the background most of the time. I had really wanted to be more outgoing, but it didn't happen. I skipped the football game on Friday night, but I did go to the picnic and the dinner on Saturday. I got to see a lot of my Facebook friends. When I got my Facebook account all these people I either didn't remember or didn't really associate with in high school wanted to be my friend. I was playing a lot of games on Facebook at the time and accepted--so I got to talk to see some of them and even talked to a couple. It was very interesting how people have matured--of course, I don't feel like I have matured at all.

I drove to my parents' and it is quite a long drive. I left on Friday after being at the club and stopped for the night around 3:00 AM and then started driving at 8:00 AM. I paid more than I wanted to, but at least there was a free breakfast included. Coming back home I drove all day Monday. I was a little concerned about the drive. I thought I would do a lot of thinking about things. I wasn't sure where my thoughts would go. Instead I ended up singing along with the music playing and pushing everything out of my mind. I am still not sure if that is good or bad, but in the end I arrived home safely--I was concerned that I might get overwhelmingly depressed and do something stupid.

While I was at my parents' I did some thinking about my situation. I am very frightened I am going to run out of money and I don't know what will happen. I keep hoping I win the lottery or something so that I don't have to worry about money. I am disappointed every time I don't win. I also keep hoping people will click on the advertisements on this blog, but according to Google Analytics nobody is visiting, so there is no money there. I know that I am going to have to get a job, but I don't know what I want to do. I have been doing some volunteering and I realize that I enjoy helping people, but I am scared to death about the whole job getting process. Getting a job needs to move up in priority on my list and yet here I am writing on a blog instead of updating my resume and sending it out.

2010-10-05T23:52:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty decent weekend. I went to the Renaissance Faire with a friend. Another friend was performing and she sang wonderfully. It was a great day to go to the fair since it had not rained for a while and the day was a little cool so that you weren't dripping with sweat the entire time. I actually bought a turkey leg while I was there. The joust was a little lame, but for a show it wasn't too bad.

That night I went and played Settlers of Catan with my Catan friends. We actually gt to games in--I won the first game. The second game seem to drag a little, but I had fun.

Sunday, the Rosary class went pretty well. We had some good discussion considering they were 3rd graders. When we split into groups to say the Rosary, some of the Dads struggled with it. I thought I would be leading a group, but in the end I wandered around to help the groups. It could have gone better, but it is Sunday school and expectations aren't really high. I was impressed when one of the kids told me that Mary did not die, but went straight to heaven--I wasn't sure 3rd graders would know that Mary ascended into heaven body and soul.

I continue to struggle with getting things done. I know I need to create a schedule, but I keep not doing it. Monday night I attended a resume workshop at the library--I feel like it was a small victory. This morning I went to volunteer, but the guy I work with was going out of town, so I only worked a couple of hours. I need to remember to log my time for that. I had rented Iron Man 2 from RedBox using a free code, so I watched it this afternoon instead of doing something. Catan was canceled and I thought I would use the extra time to do the things I didn't do earlier. Turns out I didn't. Anyhow it is late and I did not get anything of note done.

2010-10-01T17:16:00.000-05:00

I am at the library trying to fill some time after my ;psychologist appointment and before I go to the club without driving home and that much gas. In the course of the session, I decided I need to starting planning my day more and following a schedule to get things done. I should probably be starting a schedule now, but I am not.

I did get some things done today. I stopped by the Bernina store and asked them about some things for my sister. The saleswoman did not have all the answers, but she promised to get back to me. I also took some pictures of things I have embroidered to put up on a different website. I have been meaning to do that for a while and just didn't get around to it. Hopefully I will update the website after I finish the blog here. The only problem I have is that the library closes at 6:00 and I don't know if I will have enough time to accomplish everything.

I saw a post on Wil Wheaton going through the TrueDungeon at GenCon and man I am disappointed I didn't go. I would have like to meet Wil although I am not sure I would have said much or anything. I know some of my friends think he is pretty lame, but he is a geek icon. I wanted to create a Wesley Crushers bowling shirt like Sheldon had made on The Big Bang Theory with Moonpie as the name on the front. It would have been so cool to have embroidered it all and then gone to see Wil with it on. But, alas, I did none of these things. I still haven't made the shirt even though I think it would be cool.

I also managed to continue the process of closing down the corporation so soon I will no longer be a president of the corporation. I thought I would have more problems with this, but I haven't so far.

I still need to write up what I am going to do on Sunday. I would like to have the other teacher review it and give me feedback and I have stuff planned for tomorrow--I guess I will either get up early or stay up late. We'll see how it goes.

2010-09-29T00:30:00.000-05:00

The week has not been too bad. Last Tuesday, gaming was canceled so I decided to create a character for D&D Encounters. I started the Character Builder and was disappointed to see there was not an update. I searched the forums and discovered there had been an email sent out to some subscribers saying there would be no update in September. I became even more disappointed, but given that the update had already been pushed back 2 weeks, it was not completely unexpected. I half expect not to get an October update either.

The new season of D&D Encounters started well--we all survived. It was a lot easier than Dark Sun.

I went and played games on Friday instead of going to the club. We played the new D&D Ravenloft board game and Catan Histories: Settlers of America. Both games were a lot of fun.

Saturday I went to the Social and there were not that many people there. On top of that, there was no music playing yet. Needless to say, there was more eating than dancing. I was kind of let down, but I didn't jump up and ask women to dance.

Next Sunday I am taking the lead in SOR. We are doing the Rosary. I have been doing some research and found out Pope John Paul II added the Luminous Mysteries so there are 4 sets of mysteries instead of 3. There are also a couple new prayers that can be said at the end of a decade. We are going to keep it as simple as possible--the kids are after all only 3rd graders. I have a large rosary that was my grandfathers that I am planning to ue for demonstration. I have looked for some of my others, but I can't find them. I am not sure if I still have them or if they are in my parents house somewhere. I am excited right now and I hope this goes well.

I have applied for a couple of jobs and put more effort into my resume and the cover letters. I probably still won't get a good response, but I am improving my side and I plan to continue. I am trying to be upbeat about my job search going forward.

Now I need to practice my rosary and go to bed.

2010-09-20T23:28:00.028-05:00

I have only been posting once a week lately. I am not sure if that is because I am feeling better or because I am sliding into old patterns. My sleep schedule got out of whack last weekend with all the activity and I still haven't gotten it back together. I really didn't do much of anything this week at all--and that is way too familiar.

Wednesday was the last night of the Darksun D&D Encounters. This week we will start Keep on the Borderlands. Hopefully Wizards of the Coast will get the updates to the Character Generator out tomorrow like they have indicated. They already pushed back this months updates by 2 weeks. I am hoping to make a character for the game instead of using a pregenerated character, but that is all predicated on whether the updates are out or not.

Wednesday night we played more Thunderstone. I like the game, but I also like to play a variety of games. On Thursday we played Dominion. Thunderstone's game mechanic seems based on the Dominion mechanic. Of course a big part of the whole experience is playing games with my friends, so that makes itworthwhile. Saturday night we played a couple of games of Settlers of Catan and a game of Shanghai.
I did get some laundry done this week and was able to run the dishwasher once. I also made Pineapple Salsa with Cream Cheese to take to the Catan game. They ate it up. There was some discusion of large pinneapple chunks versus crushed pineapple pieces. It probably should have set up a little longer in the refrigerator before I mixed in the cream cheese. Alsom I didn;t put in a jalapeno pepper that was suggested and the ginger I put in was not grated but minced, so I don't htink the flavor fully got out. I keep wondering if I should have sauteed the ginger with the peppers and onions, That would take away the crunch that I did not particularily care for. Several people liked it, but there was some dissension. I wish there was an opportunity to show it off to my dance friends.

I am fading as you can see. I took an Ambien to help me sleep and get my rhythm back on track. I seem to be a little light headed and I can't focus quite like I am used to. I don't really feel tired, but I do feel like I am going to fall dead asleep in a minute. I will post if anyone has an opinion on my salsa. Tomorrow is volunteer day at Harvesters and I an very excited..

2010-09-12T23:49:00.000-05:00

I am feeling better about my life these days and you can kind of tell by how infrequently I am posting. I am having to force myself to update after several days. Of course, I feel like my life has been getting busier--even if it is not. On Wednesday, I was still a little tired from getting up early and going to Harvesters as well as from all the activity on the weekend. Even though I had planned to do a bunch of things, I ended up barley getting to the bike store to pick up my bike before going to play in D&D Encounters. We have one last encounter in this session. For some reason I wasn't as excited about the session. Afterward we went to a friend's house and played a couple of games.

We played Settlers of America: Trails to Rails. It is part of the Catan Histories games from Mayfair Games. Klaus Teuber is definitely getting a lot of mileage out of the Settlers of Catan franchise. I was a bit confused as to a strategy in the beginning and that proved fatal in my end game. I started to slow and was not able to catch up later. Of course luck was a part of the problem since it still had the dice roll mechanic. Unlike the original Catan game, to win you had to deliver all your goods. In the original you collected victory points which could come from multiple sources. To win Settlers of America you must place all you cities in order to free up all your goods to be delivered. To deliver the goods, you must build a train and move the train along rails you have built or pay to ride on an opponents rail. It was an interesting game and I wouldn't mind playing it again. I don't think they have left an option to extend the game to 5or 6 players nor do I think they will be adding any expansions. The hexes are a fixed map with only some of the numbers being randomized. The interesting part is that the random numbers move from hexes in the east to hexes in the west as settlers move west. I did not win the game and I believe I had the most cities left to build and the most goods left to be delivered.

I was up too late on Wednesday and therefore got up late on Thursday. I packed up some folding tables and met my friend from up north so that his wife could use them in her garage sale Friday and Saturday. I then met some ex-co-workers at Panera and played some games of Dominion with the expansions. I actually won a game, which generally doesn't happen. When I got home I went through my DVDs so that Icould take them up to the garage sale the next morning. Again I was up late and to make matters worse, I had said I would be up north around 9 AM.

Friday morning I went up north to help with the garage sale. My friends had to work and another friend of theirs was watching the garage sale. She had brought some stuff of her own, but she had never had a garage sale before. There was a constant threat of rain so we didn't pull very much out into the driveway. There was actually more traffic than I expected and Friday morning went pretty well--what I didn't know ahead of time was that it was a city wide garage sale weekend. I didn't pull the DVDs out on Friday and I had to leave a little afternoon to go see my psychologist.

It was probably one of the better appointments we have had. He asked how I wanted to proceed and gave be three basic options. I explained to him how I felt all three options related and I talked more about my social life. We discussed intimacy--not from a sexual context, but from a personal context of not letting people in. He related this to vulnerability and trust. Vulnerable come from a Latin word that means "I wound". When you extrapolate to the noun form, you loosely come up with "able to be wounded". Anyhow, we tend to think of vulnerability as a weakness in today's world, so I didn't want to be vulnerable. The discussion was about my not wanting to be vulnerable and therefore not having any intimacy, therefore I was unhappy with my current lot where I wanted to be more social and wanted to feel more connected to people. I probably am not doing the discussion much justice, but it makes sense in my head and I am having problems putting it into words, because there seems to be some feelings tied up in these concepts for me. This resulted from me pointing out that even though I seem to have a rich social life, I am either standing back watching the action, standing behind the bar serving drinks, or engaged in playing a game. I am still not very open. What I have come to realize is that I tend to be more open with women than men and I think that may be that I feel I can not show any vulnerability around other men. I even am unsettled when I am talking about personal matters around my best friend. The other thing the psychologist brought up is that he thinks I have a lot of wisdom. For some reason, this bothers me--I like to think I am insightful, not that I have wisdom. I need to ponder on the difference and decide why I feel that way.

I stopped by Sam's on my way home and bought some food. On my way home I called my older sister because I hadn't heard from her since I talked to her on her birthday the Friday before. I was talking about the garage sale and she pushed me to take some stuff up there and try to sell it. I spent the evening going through CDs and collecting some things from around the house. I pulled out some luggage and a few small things from here and there. I was once again up way too late, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I wouldn't do it. I even put everything in the car before going to bed.

6 AM Saturday morning came entirely too early. I managed to get up north by around 7:15 AM. They were still pulling some stuff out of the garage. I pulled most of the stuff out of my car--there were a few things I left. I priced everything a little high for a garage sale--but still a good deal, so that I could negotiate down a little to make the sale. A lot of people came by, but they weren't buying the CDs and DVDs at first. Later in the morning, they started selling. I made a few deals, but mostly they paid the price I marked them at. I was disappointed in the luggage. When I left around noon, only an old black suitcase my sister had given to me when I flew back home from her house in between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year had sold. She told me to just throw the suitcase away, because she didn't want it an more. I ended up making 5 bucks off it. It was an absolute beautiful day for a garage sale--it was sunny, but the a cool breeze was blowing and the temperature was in the upper 70's/low 80's.

I left around noon to go to the D&D Game Day for D&D Essentials. One of the regular encounters players brought a group of her friends, so I ran one table while the coordinator ran the other table. I had a blast and I hope the people at my table had a good time. They really had not played a lot of 4th edition it seemed like. I am really enjoying running the game. I am a little upset the coordinator does not want to do the Gamma World Game Day, but with the booster pack cards and stuff, I can see why he didn't. I think it will cost more than it is worth.

After the game I went to the Showcase dinner. I had missed all the dancing during the day, but I went to celebrate at the dinner. The food was good, but I was so tired. I ended up leaving a little early and going home to go to bed. I had a busy Sunday morning ahead of me.

Sunday morning I woke up, but stayed in bed a little too long and didn't really prepare for the Sunday school class. Of course, I really didn't need to do much preparation since the other teacher was going to take the lead for this month. The kids were actually well behaved. You could tell a couple of the kids are very bright--I don't think there is a one with any type of learning issue, but we will see. Since they are only 3rd graders, their attention did wander at times. I was very nervous the entire time and still am even now. Hopefully, I will be better next Sunday. I went mass after and finally got home a little after noon. I fixed a lunch and started to catch up on things on the computer when I got really tired. I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours in the Lay-Z-Boy and being somewhat groggy the rest of the day. I was ready to go to bed on time when I decided to update this blog and now it is almost 2 hours later and definitely not early.

2010-09-07T23:54:00.000-05:00

Today was this first day that I volunteered at Harvester's. I didn't get that much done because I was getting to know the lay of the land. I had a good time and the time went by very quickly. I kind of don't want to wait for two weeks. Afterward I went to DirectBuy for their little spiel. I signed up on the internet last week sometime in order to get points or something. I didn't win the grand prize, but the gave me two $100.00 gift cards to restaurants.com. I went out there and I was a little disappointed that not all locations of a restaurant were in their database. I wanted to get a gift card for The Melting Pot in South Carolina where my sister is, but that location wasn't an option even though my local Melting Pot was in the database.

I actually had a pretty good holiday weekend. Friday I took one of my cable boxes back and cancelled part of my cable services to try to lower my bill. After my psychologist appointment, I went to the DMV and waited forever to return the tags on my car I had sold. Afterward I went to some friends' house and played Settlers of Catan (by Mayfair games in the US). I won the first game and I haven't won in a while. We played with Seafarers, Cities and Knights, and Fishermen of Catan and Habormaster from Traders and Barbarians. It can be a pain to set up, but it can be a lot of fun. Saturday after I skyped (I htink Skype is a wonderful thing) my little sister and saw my new niece, I rummaged through the basement to find the bungee cords to secure my bike to the carrier. In the end, the bungee cords were in the garage and the bike carrier did not fit on my car. I have two carriers and one fits on a small car (I bought it for a Miata) and the other went over a spare tire on the back of a SUV. Since my current car is neither of these, I ended up putting the bike in the trunk. I took my mountain bike to the shop for new gear shifters right before they closed. I then went to Sam's Club to do some grocery shopping. Later I swapped the TV in my bedroom with a small flat screen I had on the wall in one of the extra bedroom. The TV in my bedroom is like 20 years old and the remote no longer works. This was not a problem when I had it connected to a cable box. The new TV is larger, but without the cable box I am not watching it too much. I really miss the on screen programming, but it is keeping from staying in bed all day.

Sunday was the big day. I got up early to go to mass and then went to some friends' house for a pool party. Of course I didn't get in the pool, but it was enjoyable to talk with some of the other there. At one point we were reminiscing about the good old days when memory was sized KB and you had to manage the memory using HiMem for some things so that Windows could run.

I left the pool party early so that I could go to some other friends' house where we played Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot (by Playroom games). Since we haven't played in a while it took some time to remember the rules. We played with blue, yellow, red, violet, green, twilight white, perfectly pink, and stainless steel decks. I wanted to add in wacky khaki, but the others were against it. I am hoping we will add wacky khaki and ominous onyx in the near future. It really depends on when we play again.

Monday I ended up sleeping most of the day. I was tired on Sunday because I got up early and so I slept a lot on Monday. It was good to sleep, but I did not get anything done. I still am not getting much done, or at least I am not getting the things I want to do done.

I talked to Mom Monday night and she was trying to book tickets to visit my little sister and her new baby. She was having some difficulties and once I got her to share her screen on Skype (see previous comment), I was able to help her get what she needed done. It did take a very long time, so we didn't talk much about what was going on, although I did talk to Dad for a while prior to talking to Mom. He seems to be doing well. They had a small party for my older sister who turned 50 at some point in the weekend. I hope she had a good time, I haven't talked to her since then.

One day last week I woke up and wrote down the dream I had. I was back in college, but the campus was nothing like the college I went to. The other odd thing was that I looked as I do now and not as I did when I was younger. I was looking for my friends after having an argument with my little brother (who did not go to the same college as I did). Everyone was partying and having a good time. I am not sure what exactly was going on--there was just a lot of people carousing and some were even dressed in costumes. I was trying to participate, but was not getting a positive response from the other people so I continued on. At some point I started dancing with a beautiful woman who did not know how to dance. It was a bit difficult because we were dancing outside on a large expanse of grass. I was leading her in a waltz, although I don't remember any particular music--we stopped to talk to some people who were in our way. I don't remember the conversation, but it was brief and I was explaining the steps and what I wanted her to do when I woke up.

I am not sure if I truly dreamed this or if this was what I was thinking in that time when you are in the process of waking up. Normally, I think about all the things I have to do and imagine how well I am going to do them in the mornings. Of course, I am always disappointed because things never go that way. Anyhow tomorrow is another day and maybe I will get something done.

2010-09-04T01:24:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since Monday. I have been using this blog kind of like a personal journal and the posting has been kind of therapeutic. I have gotten a few things done this week: I sold my second car, took my bike to the Trek store to get the shifters fixed, deposited some checks, and waited in line at the DMV for a refund on the tags from the car I sold. I did some things on-line, but I still haven't worked much on my resume or finding a job.

Unfortunately, I am very tired so I am going to bed.

2010-08-30T01:09:00.000-05:00

All week I have been feeling pretty good. When I played games at Ralph's on Saturday, he said he thought I was doing much better. I really had a good time. We played some new games that I had not played before--Loot and Family Business. I didn't care for Family Business even though I won, but that was mostly because I am not fond of elimination games. As people were talking about leaving, I got a text to meet some other friends to play games--so I went there afterward and played domino--Mexican Train and Chicken Foot. I am not a big fan of these games, but I really enjoy the company so it wasn't so bad.

Friday night at the dance club, I managed to hit a wine bottle with my elbow and as it was falling I reached for it, the bottle spun around sending wine everywhere, but i managed to catch it before it hit the floor. We ended up with red wine all over the wall and the floor, but I managed to save more than half the bottle. It took a while to clean up and I had a huge wet spot on my leg. Luckily I was wearing black pants so you couldn't see a stain. I scrubbed the wall and the front of the refrigerator for a long time and got most of the wine off. The refrigerator is white and there were some light steaks left at the end--I am probably the only one who cares about that. Darryl had dropped a bucket of ice prior to that, so neither of us was having a good evening.

Over the last couple of days, I agreed to help teach Sunday school at church. There was a meeting this morning to meet the other teachers and get an idea what we would be doing and now I wonder why I signed up--although honestly, I am not as scared as I thought I would be. We start the Sunday after Labor Day so I have two weeks to get really worked up. I hope this is a good experience. The funny thing was that my co-teacher remembered me from when I would show up at church and sit with Roland and his family. She wondered what the relationship was. I kind of flashed back to when we were asked the question one Sunday after church standing in line to get donuts. Of course, I stopped doing that once they moved up north. i explained that they had moved up north and that they attended another church.

I am still unable to remember my dreams. In the morning my dreams are still vivid while I am in the process of waking up, but once I move around, I forget everything. I will try again in the morning, but it hasn't been working well.

2010-08-28T01:28:00.000-05:00

I almost missed my appointment with my psychologist. I can't seem to get to bed at a decent time, so I got up late and then the morning flew by. I got some laundry done and I managed to charge the battery in the Tracker. I had started the process yesterday, but stopped it when I went to meet a friend for dinner and games before going to the club for a special party. I hooked the battery back up to the charger this morning, and when I got back from my appointment, it was charged. I put the battery back in the Tracker and it cranked right up. now I just need to take it to CarMax and see what they will give me for it.

At the psychologist I told him about my aspirin overdose when I was little and he seems to think that might be why I feel helpless a lot and why I have such deep fear issues. It makes sense to me from a logical perspective, but I am not feeling it emotionally. He said I need to "internally digest" it. He also wants me to keep a dream journal--really he is just curious about my dreams, but he did suggest a dream journal when I explained I don;t seem to remember my dreams. Some of my medication seems to prevent me from having dreams, so I am going to try to stay off the sleep aids. I have been trying to take less anyway, so it shouldn't be a big deal. Although tonight it is already late and I am supposed to play games tomorrow at Ralph's starting at 11:00 AM.

I want to do some things in the morning--mostly I was going to make a chicken, broccoli, cheese and rice casserole to take since I already have the ingredients. That means I need about an hour to put it together and cook everything. Now that I think about it, it doesn't sound like such a good idea, but I plan to do it anyway. I have been logging game play on BoardGameGeek.com and I am excited to log tomorrow's games. I am not sure what we will play and Ralph thinks there might be 7 of us which really limits the games we can play. Frank is supposed to be there and I want to talk to him about my road bike. I wanted to call him up and talk to him about maybe taking my road bike to the store close to him to see if the guy he knows can true up the wheels. I didn't do it, so I am not going to take the bike. I sent out a list of games I could bring and only heard that someone doesn't like Playroom's Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot. I was thinking about inviting Andi and having her bring her copy with all the expansions, but now I won't.

Today I also agreed to help with Sunday School at the church. I have kind of wanted to get more involved with the church and when I got the email practically begging for help, I couldn't say no. In a way it was like a sign from God. I am actually excited for this. I now have to attend a meeting Sunday morning to meet all the people and go through what we will be doing. I thought I would be more scared, but I seem to be doing much better lately--and I don't know why. Maybe the therapy is actually working and I just don't realize it. I am not having grandiose fantasies about how I will be the best instructor and everyone will be awed by me. I just know I will do a good job, because that is the type of person I am. I enjoy children and think this will be good for me while I am doing something good for others. It is not going to be easy to be there every Sunday morning, but I plan to try my best to be there as much as possible.

I finally bought a whiteboard for me to write reminders and notes on. I even hung it on a wall as I come down the stairs. We will have to see how it works for me, but lately I feel like I have forgotten so many things and hopefully this will keep me on top of things.

Now that I am feeling better, I wonder if I should have given up on the consulting business. My main concern is that I am doing so well because I gave up the business. I really need to update my resume and send it out to some key people. I keep saying I will do it tomorrow and that is the classic trap I get into. The good news is that I have been cleaning up around the house and getting some other things done while I am procrastinating instead of just playing on the computer all day or watching TV. My garage is a little cleaner and I manage to pick up tools from all over the house and organize them in the toolboxes. I am hoping this is a tend that I continue. I would really like to have a clean house.

It is really late and I already mentioned I have a busy day tomorrow, so I will go to bed, but I have noticed through Google Analytics that more people are landing on my site. While I wish they would click on some ads to generate revenue, I am a little apprehensive that someone might actually be reading what I type. Since they are anonymous, I am able to handle it. If you are reading this, just click through some of the ads--you do not have to buy anything, just click.

2010-08-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

Another night at D&D Encounters followed by a game of Fruit Fair at a friend's house. Fruit Fair is an interesting game--I am not sure I would have bought it, because I thought it might be like Obstgarten by HABA. It was a lot more involved and required quite a bot more strategy. This just proves how easy it is to judge a game by its box. The turn sequence was similar to Nottingham or Steam where the turn order is determined by other actions taken. The basic idea of the game is to plant and harvest fruit so that you can trade the fruit for victory points. One of the unusual aspects is that all fruit are equal when trading and that the number of victory points acquired is some what random. Anyway, I would play the game again, but it is a challenging game with a somewhat silly theme. For some reason, I would have preferred a little less comical artwork and plastic fruit instead of colored spheres.

Since Monday I have been trimming the hedges out back. It took me several days to get everything done. I did all the trimming on Monday, but it was very hot and I kept taking breaks to go inside and cool off. I also managed to cut one of my outdoor extension cords with the electric trimmer. My hedges are horrible and the trimming did not make them look any better--I ended up cutting them in half practically. I also pulled all the vines and most of the weeds that grew around and in the bushes. I ran out of bags to put the clippings and was not able to finish all the cleanup until today (2 days later). I did not make it to the store Monday evening to buy more bags since my sister called me and wouldn't get off the phone. On Tuesday I had several things planned including a meeting with a siding company and an introduction to the CIO at Harvesters--I agreed to do some volunteer work on their tech help desk. I bagged most of the stuff Tuesday before heading to Harvesters and finished this afternoon so that I could put the bags in the trash to be picked up tomorrow morning.

The Harvesters meeting went well and I will be starting the first week of September. Right now I will be going there every other week for about 4 hours. I am excited about this and I think will be good for me intellectually and emotionally.

The siding guy gave me a pretty good estimate, but being unemployed means I have no extra money. I really wish I was employed so that I could get a good quality siding at a decent price. I really like the siding with the insulation behind it giving it some more strength and a better insulation value. I will probably look at a cheap paint job to keep the house from completely falling apart. I don't know if they would caulk everything like it really needs to be done. We'll see what I end up doing.

I still need to get the battery out of the Tracker and hook it up to the charger. I really need to get rid of the car. If I can get the battery charged I want to take it to CarMax to get a quote. If they would give me a couple thousand,I think I would be happy.

I need to get up in the morning and do some of these things, as well as update my resume, so I will go to bed now.

2010-08-22T23:34:00.000-05:00

I talked to Mom tonight and after we discussed her and Dad flying to see my sister after she has her baby in a few weeks, I finally brought up what happened when I was young. About four months after I was born, Dad went to Viet Nam and Mom moved to California to be close to her family. Dad was in Viet Nam for a year and when he came back they had orders to Bergstrom and we moved directly there. While Dad was in Viet Nam Mom met him once in Hawaii. I guess she left my sisters with a neighbor and my older brother and I with a relative of a friend--she is not sure if something happened there.

Anyway, she thinks the most traumatic thing was a few months after I turned two I got sick and she gave me half an aspirin and put me to bed or something--the timeline is still a little fuzzy, there was something about taking girl scouts to a movie and Dad saying I was alright that evening. The next morning I was grey and limp and Mom took me to the hospital--there was a side note about having to take my older brother since there was no one to watch him and he had to stay out in the car by himself because he wasn't allowed in. She eventually had to bring him in because he wasn't happy and at some point Dad picked him up from the hospital. These things just wouldn't happen today--my parents would probably have been charged with child abuse. Anyhow, I had all kinds of tubes and stuff in my body and I was constrained in the bed as they were trying to get all the aspirin out of my system--according to the doctors I had somehow OD'ed on aspirin. Mom and Dad are still unsure how that happened--they counted the pills in the bottle, they questioned my sisters, anyhow it is a mystery. Now I have an allergy to aspirin--which I think I have talked about previously. I spent about a week in the hospital and Mom and Dad weren't allowed to stay with me, they were only allowed during certain hours. Supposedly a neighbor was also in the hospital for some surgery and would come to my room and hold me at times when Mom couldn't be there. According to Mom I was putting Legos together with one hand--in previous versions of the stories there were puzzles that I put together with a hand and a foot.

We talked a little bit about how we always seemed to move in November when it was my little brother's birthday and I was a little jealous that he always got more presents from other people because we were traveling and saw more friends and family, but I digress. I remember little snippets from my past, but they are weird little snippets. I remembered the small fish pond at the house in Texas and painting the garage door when we were leaving--of course, we actually painted the entire house inside and out,but I only remember the garage door. I also remembered a time when we visited Grandma at the lake and we tried to fish. I think it was the first time I went fishing. I also remember we stopped in the mountains and looked at a small patch of snow which was the first time I had seen snow. We got to touch it and play in it a little, but someone told me not to step on it because I could fall through because you never know what is under the snow. My memories are a lot clearer starting around 1974 when little sister was born. The memories I have before then are very sketchy, of course my memory is not real clear about anything--I always seem to get flashes of memory when I need it most.

the other thing we talked about was that at some point my teacher came up to my mother and told her to ask her what my IQ was. Mom thinks it was over 180, but she doesn't remember exactly. There was also a time when my uncle gave me and one of my cousins who is just a few months older than me IQ tests and everyone was upset that I scored much higher than my cousin. I think the high IQ is a curse from my Grandma's side. She was very intelligent and quite crazy. Maybe I am destined to go crazy at this point in my life.

2010-08-22T04:07:00.000-05:00

Here I am up late. I have been up late most nights this week--although I am not taking sleep aids, so I am not as concerned. I am trying to not take the medication as much as possible. Last night I was up late watching TV and going through some of the stuff in my room. Thursday night was a lot of rummaging as well. I have been trying to locate my runes that I got many, many years ago--I think when I was in college. The runes are basically fortune telling type devices. I found all but two of the runes--Ehwaz and Inguz. Ehwaz is the rune of movement, transit, transition, progress. Considering that I am somewhat stopped in my life, I found this interesting. Inguz is the rune of new beginnings, fertility, emergence from a closed chrysalis. Again, I feel like I am closed up and I need to emerge. I am not sure if I believe in the runes, but these two missing, make me wonder. They do seem to represent the things I need most.

I went to the D&D Game Day for Dark Sun today. Not many people showed up, so it wasn't as fun as it could be. I was somewhat disappointed that there wasn't more to get me interested in Dark Sun. The characters were 4th level, but since they were pre-generated they weren't the best builds. It was a little better having stronger characters to play with than just 1st level. Having played D&D Encounters, I was already exposed to the Dark Sun world of Athas. I would kind of like to have the book, but I am not spending unnecessary money right now. Hopefully, they will get the information into the Character Builder and the Compendium so I can look at it there.

After Game Day I went to some friends' party. We played some Dominoes and Apples to Apples while I was there. There was also a lot of gossip, especially about the dance club. One of the teacher's ex-wife was there and she had some interesting things to say about stuff in the past. I am not sure I want to know some of this stuff, but it was interesting. Since I am not there much any more, it should not be a problem.

I am going to try to sleep so that maybe I will get up and go to church tomorrow. I guess it depends on whether God helps me to get there.

2010-08-19T01:27:00.000-05:00

I am up too late--I went up to my room and left my main laptop downstairs so that I would not stay up late playing games. I got upstairs and saw the eeePC still trying to load Ubuntu Netbook onto a flash card so I did not overwrite the original OS. Anyhow, I wanted to update the blog, but still did not want to get the laptop. I picked up the OLPC that was on the floor at the foot of the bed. Unfortunately, it had been so long since I had it plugged in that the system clock was reset and it threw all kinds of errors. Luckily, I was still able to go out to the web to figure out how to fix it. So here it is late and I am still up.

At D&D Encounters my character died once again. Chapter 2 seemed a lot easier than chapter 1 or 3. There were only four of us so it was more difficult to start with. Afterwards I went to a friends houseand played this game I think was called JetSet. It had a similar mechanic to Ticket to Ride, but was different enough that the strategy was different. I managed to win both games I played. The first was mostly luck--the second was more strategy.

I am disappointed with myself because I have no motivation and I seemed to be afraid of everything. I am beginning to think that I get obsessed with a task and can't move on until I do the task and there are things that I don't want to do that I get hung up on. I worry a lot about the future even though there areso many unknowns. I think too much and don't act. I wanted to go somewhere to get some help with my resume and job search, but I didn't leave the house until time for Encounters to start. I plan to do some stuff tomorrow, but I probably won't. I need to go to the Trek store to see what they have to say about my rapid fire shifter not working. I also needto talk to the bank about why I can't transfer money from one account to another.

I really need to get some sleep if I am going to get up tomorrow.

2010-08-18T01:21:00.000-05:00

Because my psychologist is unavailable on Friday, I had a meeting with him today. When I got there I told him it seems like my issues all boil down to fear. Sometimes he brings up religious references--it is a Christian Psychology group that he is a part of. Today we met at the satellite office which is actually in a church. Anyhow, he brought up that "fear not" is a main theme throughout the bible. He even thought Pope John Paul started his first speech with those words. He thinks the fear is something from my very early development since I am not able to put it into words. During our discussion he also wondered if my Mom doesn't have some issues with fear. Since Dad was in the military, we moved around a lot when I was little, but I don't know the specifics from when I was very young. I think my Dad was gone for most of the first year of my life and we moved closer to my Mom's family. I really need to ask someone about that time, but I am not sure who. I am afraid Mom will think I am blaming her for all my issues, and some of my sisters might not remember well. The ones that would, I have some fear about talking to. I feel like I am a disappointment because I am not more successful at this point. I will talk to one of my other sisters just to see what she thinks first.

Yesterday I spent the whole day at my friends up north. With school beginning, there is a lot to do and I watched the kids while the two of them went to work. I felt like I was avoiding everything by going up there. I probably avoided more today since I stayed in bed late and then went to my appointment. Following that I went to the public library to kill some time before playing Settlers of Catan and did some reading on chapter 3 of Dark Sun D&D Encounters. I always enjoy the Encounters and I hope more people start showing up. I wonder how next season will go. I am also excited about the D&D Game Day this Saturday.

We had six players for Catan and the game took forever. Mike's son and his roommate showed up to play and they kind of made the game drag. I didn't win which seems to be a prevalent theme these days, but I felt like I was in the running since I wasn't too far behind the winner in points.

As far as the fear goes I guess I need to learn the Litany Against Fear from Dune and see if it works for me. The only part I remember is about fear being the mind-killer. I really feel like it is killing my mind right now.

2010-08-15T00:42:00.001-05:00

I have decided a big part of my problem is that I am not a risk taker. I tried to be and it is debilitating. I have always worried about everything and now it is worse because I have more to worry about. I keep thinking I want to run from my responsibilities, but I don't know what I would do then.

Today, I went to church--I have been going on a regular basis for a while. Anyhow today is the Vigil for the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. I learned something new and that is that Mary was assumed into heaven body and soul-she was not entombed as there was no body. Catholics believe in the intercession of saints and therefore pray to the saints to help in certain situations. We also pray to Mary for intercession--there was a saying that whenever God closes a door, Mary opens a window. Anyhow, it was a good sermon about Mary being the first to believe in Jesus and how she is the mother of the church. Adoration of the Virgin Mary is mostly a Catholic thing--the priest said it was exclusive to Catholicism, but I am not sure if that is true. In the past I have heard people say that Catholics worship Mary and the saints and this is not true. We respect them and believe that the will intercede on our behalf and help us, but we don't believe they are gods.

As anybody who might read this blog knows, I am on a quest of self discovery and I am not liking what I am finding. I want change, but I am reluctant to change. I keep finding myself dreaming or fantasizing about things happening for me. Each time it is a passive action on my part. In none of my dreams am I the active person. I dream of winning the lottery, my house being destroyed by a microburst, or even coming down with a serious disease. All things that happen to me that allow to ignore something in my life. Other times someone recognizes me from the club and wants me to dance with them or help teach dance class in a community or church program. I want to volunteer and help people, but I fantasize that they will ask me to help, not that I go up and ask to help. This is something I want to change and don't know how and use that as an excuse for not changing. I can find an excuse for anything.

After church I made a chicken, rice and broccoli casserole and went to the social at the club. There was next to nobody there and we did not dance at all. I was going to try to be more outgoing and dance with more people, but alas it was not to be. Next weekend some friends are having a pool party and I want to go and try to get in the water, but it is also when the Dark Sun campaign game day is being held. I am hoping that maybe I can run a game. If I get up the nerve I might send an email to the organizer to see if he will let me run the game and he can play. I think he might go for it, but I am not sure. Running the few Wednesday night encounters has been a lot of fun. I would like to be an organizer for a small store, but I am too afraid to ask any store owners I know.

There is a job that I got in an email for an AS/400 COBOL programmer 6 month contract in Colorado. I would like to send in a resume just to see what they would say. What I am thinking--or fantasizing--is that if I could get enough money then I could get a furnished room using a site like roommates.com and get by pretty cheap so that I could afford to pay on my house here. If the HomeVestors thing works out it would be even better. It may just be a dream, because I can't seem to get myself to put together an appropriate resume and cover letter. I got the email on Wednesday or Thursday and keep putting off the documentation thinking I can do it tomorrow. I need to stop that and just do it, but that is so much easier to say than do--at least for me. I feel like the cowardly lion looking for courage to do things I want to do. If only it were as easy as having the wizard pin a medal on my chest.

Maybe I need to pray to Mary that I meet the wizard.

2010-08-13T12:34:00.000-05:00

I am feeling very weak and I have this constant pain in my chest and stomach. I called HomeVestors and they have not called me back, I sent an email to the President of the Franchisor and he hasn't not responded, and I did not go home as I had planned.

This week was rough. A couple of years ago I had to get a new water heater. I signed a one contract with the company, because cost of the one year contract with the discount on the water heater was less than just the water heater. Since then they have wanted to come out an do an inspection. They continued to call me even though the contract was up--they said they owed it to me. Finally, I said yes. I spent much of Monday cleaning my house to a point that I was acceptable with. They came out on Tuesday and of course they were lots of little problems. Anyhow, my house was now pretty clean. I thought that would make me feel better, but it didn't.

On Monday I talked to my regional guy with the Franchise and told him I was thinking of closing up shop. He told me I had to speak to the president. Since then all my anxiety and everything has gotten worse. I am reading Rick Riodan's Percy Jackson novels late into the night. While I am enjoying the story, because of the sleep aids I don't remember what I read the night before very well so I end up reading those parts again. Anyway I have been staying up way to late.

Last night I went to the club for the weekly party which they moved to Thursday this week because there was something else going on Friday night. It has been awhile since I have been to the club and it was nice to see some friends again. I was nervous all night that someone may ask me how I was doing. I tried to tell Andi, but she didn't seem interested and I didn't push the issue. I really need someone to talk to, but I don't know who. I had a pretty good talk with my older sister on Monday and she agreed that I needed to get out of the franchise. It was because of her I actually sent the email message.

I talked with Dad on Sunday--I know I am jumping around from a time standpoint and if I am repeating anything I apologize. Dad was doing good although he was tired from the surgery a couple weeks ago. He is not young and I told him it would take some time to heal. It sounded a little hoarse, but his spirits were up. I don't usually talk to Dad and when I do it is mostly about the weather and other inconsequential stuff. He actually opened up a little and told me how he had felt anxiety when he and Mom were worrying about money before they both started collecting social security and Mom was collecting retirement from her previous job. I was glad to hear her was planning to go with Mom to Germany for a couple of weeks after my baby sister has her third child--which is supposed to be a girl. She is very excited about that after having two boys.

My psychologist appointment is in less than two hours and I haven't even taken a shower. I need to go. I don't know what I am going to tell him, but I would love to be able to tell him that he needs to be pushing harder.

2010-08-09T13:19:00.001-05:00

I talked with the people who set up my corporation and they seemed to think that if I closed the business and it has a value less than what I invested, I would not have to pay any fees or taxes on my 401k money that I can't rollover into another qualified plan. I need to talk to my CPA, but I haven't heard back from him yet. I also finally contacted Homevestors to talk about them buying my house. I don't know what I am doing and I am tearing my world apart. I hope this is a positive step and not one more closer to bad things.

2010-08-08T18:04:00.000-05:00

I am very scared. I had to pay some bills and the money in personal accounts is under $10,000. Now i am panicked and don't know what to do. I really want to just chuck everything and have no responsibility, but I don't know how to do that and I an too embarrassed to ask someone. I really hate that so much stuff has to be over the telephone today. I would much prefer to send an email or to talk to someone directly. I don't know why I hate the telephone so much, but honestly I have even been having trouble sending email these days.

On Friday, my psychologist started talking about career counseling. I really don't want career counseling from him--if he thinks I need some, I will want to see someone else. I have a hard time believing a career counselor will really help me with my problems, but getting a job and making money would alleviate some of my stress. I am afraid I would get into old habits and not change and wind up 60 years old wondering when I was going to start living my life and it being too late for some things.

Right now I am just procrastinating cleaning up my house for when the water guy comes early Tuesday morning. There is a lot I need to do and I am not doing anything. I also know I need to call the people who helped me incorporate tomorrow and also talk to the unemployment people. I need to really make a decision about going forward with the franchise or end it. The longer I put that off, the longer I will continue to drift and have all these anxiety feelings. The biggest thing I need to do is call Homevestors and see what they would do with my house. I would feel better if I could get out from under it. I should really look at selling the timeshares as well, but for some reason I am not ready to do that.

I am trying to figure out how to get rid of Dr Who CCG cards, Young Jedi CCG cards (from Decipher), and the Middle Earth CCG cards (from ICE--Iron Crown Enterprises). I really need to put them out on ebay, but again I am reluctant. My reluctance is basically what people call laziness, but that is not the right term.

I want to do these things, but emotionally I avoid them. I am not sure why, other than it always seems to come down to not knowing how, fear of not doing it well, and not wanting people to help because I feel like I should know everything. In a way, I feel like I have to be better than everyone else and if it will not look like that I just put on an air of arrogance and shrug it off as if it is beneath me. That seems to be my defense mechanic. It doesn't work in intimate relationships, which is why I really haven't had any. I even treat my family this way, and I hate to do it, but I am blaming them for making me this way. I have to believe it came from somewhere. What I wonder is how come I am this way and nobody else is. I have a plethora of brothers and sisters and I only have one sister who has never been married and never had children.

I really need to go clean and worry about my issues later. Or probably while I am trying to clean and not doing it.

2010-08-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

My up north friends asked me to watch their kids this morning while Becky goes to a staff meeting. I get there and the boys have already gotten all electronic devices taken away. Within a few minutes there is a ruckus downstairs and the next thing I know they are writing sentences as punishment. What fun is it for me if the kids are in trouble and can't do things. The girls are playing in their bedroom. They are playing nicely together, but the voices they are using for their different pet shop pals are obnoxious. I can kind of see why my friends are kind of annoyed with their kids. I am not sure I could put up with this on a constant basis. Hopefully, the boys will be done soon and we can play a game or something. I was going to have them play outside, but it might already be too hot. I really hate the heat.

I am feeling very anxious, because I know I should be working--even though I haven't worked in weeks. When I am at home doing nothing I don't feel as bad as when I am somewhere else.

I don't think I have posted about all the fun I had getting my anti-depressant filled. To make a long story short, the medication I had a prescription for was hard to find--I had to check at several different CVS stores--and then cost a lot of money. The pharmacy faxed a request for a generic and then was supposed to ask them to fax the response to the CVS close to my house. Instead it was faxed to a different CVS from all the ones I visited and the only was I found it was to sign up on-line. I was without for 4 days. I really didn't feel that bad while I was off the medication--I think I might have actually been better.

Yesterday, I took my Magic the Gathering cards to the game shop where I play D&D Encounters and sold my cards for $142. I probably could have gotten more selling them myself on ebay or something, but I didn't want to go through the trouble. That seems to be my big problem is that I don't want to go through the trouble. I need to figure out what to do with the Young Jedi, Middle Earth CCG, and Dr Who CCG cards.

I had a lot of fun at D&D Encounters last night. I ran the game and at first thought the players were going to trample the monsters. In the end, I managed to get a few hits in, but my dice rolls were really bad or it would have been a lot worse. I did not have the creatures burrow because I wasn't sure how that worked with cut stone, but evidently they can move at half speed through stone. The players won and survived yet another encounter--chapter 2 doesn't seem to be as difficult as chapter 1 was. We will see what happens in Chapter 3.

2010-08-03T12:23:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't posted in a while. I have actually been doing OK, but I am an extreme state of denial. I have not done any work, and I have this fantasy about selling everything and working a blue collar job. I don't know if I will follow through or not.

I did finally recycle a bunch of magazines that I have been holding on to for years. I also took a bunch of books to Half-Priced Books and sold them for next to nothing--but at least they are out of my house. Most of them were from when I was part of the Rodale Press book club. According to the lady at the counter, it was my old D&D books that actually got me the most money. I was expecting my signed copy of Peter Taylor's The Old Forest and Other Stories to get me something and it really didn't.

I also tried selling my Atari 2600 to Vintage Stock and they wouldn't take it. I think I am going to try Craigslist or ebay. On Wednesday I tried to sell some rare and foil Magic The Gathering cards and Josh was only interested in one card. He said that he would buy my other cards in bulk, so I need to take them in on Wednesday when I go to play D&D Encounters.

I saw on Facebook that the Triceratops has been identified as the younger form of another dinosaur. The article had something in the title about the triceratops no longer existing. Well, where ever the fossils came from must have existed. The real point is that the Triceratops is the same dinosaur as another species. After a but more reading, the name Triceratops will most likely be the name that goes forward, so technically the other dinosaur is going away--but since no one knows the other dinosaur it makes for a better headline to say the triceratops never existed. It worked. A lot of people still commented on how the dinosaur should still be called a triceratops even though the article said it would probably be called a triceratops.

2010-07-28T00:25:00.000-05:00

I woke up today and it was already 8:00 AM. After waking up early yesterday and getting quite a bit accomplished I was a little disappointed in myself. I ended going back to sleep on and off until about noon. When I got up, I immediately took a shower which it a bit unusual for me lately. I did play a few more games than I wanted, but eventually I left a message for Brad who brokered my franchise about stopping by. I was surprised that he never contacted me. That mystery was solved when I stopped by his storefront--he is at the national convention and won't be back until next week.

From there I went to the library. I played another quick game and checked a few things before I started adding to this blog for Sunday and yesterday. I was on a roll and did not realize how late it was getting. I was working on shutting down and heading out when Kelle called. Kelle is an old friend I used to work with. Her and her husband are both semi-retired even though they are both in their early forties. We talked for quite a while as I drove to Chick-Fil-A to pick up dinner and then on to Mike and Sue's where we were going to play our usual Tuesday night game of Settlers of Catan. I gave her an overview of my issues and she went on about some of her problems. Ever since I have known Kelle she has all the home projects that she starts and never finishes and she is still the same way. She was complaining about the stuff she had about and how hard it was to organize. I feel sympathy because I am sort of the same way. I just don't have a lot of projects. She talked so much I was a little late for the game. I was outside the house talking for at least 15 minutes. Had I known we were still waiting on Jeff, I probably wouldn't have been so concerned.

When I went inside I was surprised to find Sue and Mark still upstairs. Mike still wasn't home and Jeff had mot arrived--he was riding his bike over. Anyhow, Mark was a little upset because his Mom wanted him to come home--several states away--by Thursday. He already had a trip planned where he would be there next week. She has been having problems with dizziness and was waiting for a neighbor to come home to take her to the hospital. Mark was concerned, but he was trying very hard to be somewhat nonchalant about it. He was expressing a little bit of anger at his mother. During the game, he got a call from the neighbor who let him know what was happening. You could tell he was agitated during the call and immediate afterward got very angry and threw some things. As he stormed out of the basement, you could tell he was very upset and he said he was going home. Sue tried to convince him to stay and clam down, but he was insistent. We took him out of the game and continued playing. A few minutes later he came back because his phone--that he threw on the ground--was not working. Luckily we convinced him to stick around and Sue let him borrow her phone. We were all very worried about him driving in the state he was in. He played in the second game and was much calmer when we left.

The whole situation brought back memories of when I was told my brother was killed. I know I have mentioned this before, but I was so emotional that I was crying constantly. I had planned to leave right away and drive to my sister's house which was a couple hours away and then ride with her and her family to my parents around 10 hours away. My manager convinced me to fly home. He had our corporate travel agency book everything for me. Because the flight was not until the next morning, I was able to lie in bed for a few hours, calm down and get a grip. I was still emotional while driving to the airport--I was in Miami and this was the time when some tourists had been killed. I kept thinking--here it is 5 in the morning, it's tourist season in Florida and I am driving through downtown to the airport in a rental car which at that time had special license plates so everyone knew it was a rental. I remember thinking "Great. I am going to get killed in Miami and my parents are going to go over the edge." I made it home without issue, other than I arrived at the airport an hour before my flight and there was no one at the ticket counter. My manager was correct, it was much better for me to fly than to drive/ride with my sister. The only thing is that I don't remember being angry. I had a lot of emotions, but I don't really remember what those exact emotions were--I just remember the uncontrollable crying.

On Sunday my sister had said that her students had helped her to get through things. They asked her a lot of questions and made her talk about it. Of course they waited a week before they started asking any questions and was surprised by this. Anyhow, I remember talking a little bit to my manager and to Roland, but I am not sure I have ever really talked about it a lot with anyone. I actually went to a therapist, but I did not like the result and never went back. She gave me a lot of homework and then told me to call back for an appointment. While she probably didn't know it, but I had issues calling for the first appointment, there was no way I was doing that again.

I am glad that my current therapist didn't do that, but I am probably sticking with him, because of feeling an obligation even though I am concerned about whether I am really getting help. Of course, it may be me. I tend to hold things close and while I am trying to be open, I may not be doing as good a job as I think. Anyhow, I will have lots to say on Friday, and probably not even talk about a small percentage of it.

2010-07-26T23:59:00.015-05:00

Again I am posting the next day, so I turned back the clock so that I could arrange the posts chronological based on what happened on a particular day.

Monday was an interesting day. I Ihad a lot of things to do. I needed to talk to the telemarketer, I needed to deal with my bank moving from Wachovia to Wells Fargo. And there were a few other small things. I woke early and just didn't feel tired. I got up and took care of a few things. After lunch I called a psychic I had found on-line. I was very surprised when she say she could see me that afternoon. I went ahead and made an appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was hoping for some kind of revelation or at least the winning lottery numbers.

Arachne uses Tarot cards as her tool to get in touch with whatever it is psychics get in touch with. She did an upside down pyramid formation. The first four card represented my past. The four cards were supposed to tell my spiritual, emotional, intellectual and behavioral situation. I can't exactly remember all the cards, but it was a deck of her own making. It was not what I expected. Anyhow, it turns out that I was/is emotionally out of whack. The emotional card was upside down which I can't exactly remember what she said about it other than it was out of whack. She also said that my intellectual side was very well used and the rest needed to be brought into harmony. I remember one of the card was a child's tricycle with books for wheels. There was also an egg shell with a hole in it and lightning or electrical forces inside. I talked with her for a while and there were some interesting things she said. One of the things is that she thinks I should look at getting back on unemployment and that I should have never stopped--this makes me wonder if she see financial issue ahead or if she picked up on my concerns about finances. She was also concerned that I don't remember a lot about my childhood and thinks that could hold the key to my issues. She was definitely a fan of the it takes time and you need to chip away at it type mentality. She wanted me to do three major things: 1. she wanted me to go riding on a bike for at least an hour to let my mind work while my body was working. 2. she wanted me to get a punching bag and hit it once a day at the same time everyday to release the anger I have been suppressing. 3. she wants me to volunteer my time and she suggested Big Brother. She felt that working with a child would bring me more fulfillment. I do not know if I will do them, but I am thinking about it.

After I went to Sam's for some bread and milk, I went home. I was watching TV and playing games and thought about trying to find my Central Casting book which I keep thinking is Heroes of Legend, but I am not sure. I went through the closet and separated all the magazine and the old D&D stuff. So now I have a stack of Dragon, Dungeon, Lego, and Men's Health magazines--and I don't know what to do with them. I am thinking I will just recycle them, but part of me wonders if Dragon or Dungeon magazines are worth anything. At some point I went through and paid some bills and that really made me depressed as I looked at where I am financially. I keep telling people that it is better than it is. It wouldn't be bad at all if I would work at getting some clients instead of trying decide if I want to close up after a few months of not doing anything. I ended up taking some sleep aids and anti-anxiety medication to get to sleep.

2010-07-25T23:59:00.001-05:00

This post is mostly about Sunday, so I changed the date even though I am writing this on Tuesday.

This morning was very difficult, I awoke frightened with my heart racing and my pillow and sheets drenched with sweat. I was feeling like a failure which I am doing at a more frequent rate. I just kept thinking what would happen if I closed down the business. The big problem is that I don't know and yet I am so willing to do it. I keep speculating on whether it would drive me broke or not. I know that severing the relationship with the franchiser is the easy part. The hard part is what I need to do with the corporation I created. Is there a way to close it down? Since I used my 401K, am I going to have to pay penalties and taxes on the money I put into the business? How much would that be and do I have enough to cover it? I also keep thinking of dumping the house by calling Homevestors. The problem there is whether I will get enough money to cover what I owe on the house. I have about 30-40K in equity if I can believe the people who send me fliers on how the houses are selling in my neighborhood. The house needs some work, but there are a lot of things I have down to it. My biggest concern there is how to get rid of the stuff in the house. Do I have a big garage sale? Do I try to sell the stuff on ebay ot Craigs List. I am not good at these things and I don't know that I will ask anyone for help.

I turned on the TV and started flipping through channels. I watched several things before I found Backdraft with Kurt Russell and one of the Baldwin brothers. The first time I saw this movie, I bawled like a baby at the end with the long procession of firemen walking through the streets--it reminded me a lot of my brother's funeral. Then they cut to Kurt Russell's son holding Baldwin's hand (his uncle) as they walked in the procession. I lost it at that point wondering who would be the father figure in my nephew's life and wishing I had that kind of relationship with my nephew. When I saw the movie on Sunday, the same kinds of feelings cam back and the water flowed from my eyes. I didn't really bawl like before, but I definitely cried. I realized that I don't cry much anymore, I always hold it back. Like at Toy Story 3 a few weeks ago. I was there with some good friends and their kids. There was some really touching parts in the movie and I barely held it together--their second oldest son however could not and I think it embarrassed him. I was good and didn't say a thing to him, although I did tell his parents later. Anyhow, I seem to be able to get sad at movies and my eyes water up, but I don't really cry. I remember when I was told that my brother had been shot and was dead and I cried so much that night. I was on a business trip and had no one really to talk to. My manager was really good and helped me get a flight home. He had been on a business trip some where else. I couldn't get a hold of any of the managers with me because they were all out partying. I got a really early fight for the next morning and tried to go back to sleep. I could stop crying for periods, but every time I started talking to someone, I was done for. Anyhow, I was kind of glad that I could dry, but it did not bring a feeling of release when I was done. It seemed more superficial.

I managed to get out of bed and get something to eat. I kept thinking I would go but lottery tickets, but I did not. I talked to my Dad later, before Mom got home. He is sounding kind of old and is having some problems. He had fallen some time and scraped himself up. He put some bandages on and called it good. Evidently, it got infected a little and wouldn't heal. When he finally saw a doctor, they gave him an antibiotic. Dad had prostate cancer and just finished radiation treatments. He is supposed to have a radioactive seed put into the gland in the next week or so. He won't be able to do that if he has an infection. Dad has never really gone to the doctor when he hurts himself--he puts a bandage on it and calls it good. Maybe that is part of the reason I can't ask people for help. I talked to Mom for a bit and I know everyone is concerned and wishes they could help. I just don't know what they can do. I would kind of like to have a cleaning party at my house where they help me get rid of stuff either by selling it or throwing it away.

I talked with my sister afterward for a very long time. She had a good week with some of my nieces and one of my grand-nieces. As we talked I realized more and more that I would like to be closer to home so that I could be a part of these children's lives since I never had children of my own. It is the same feeling I had about my friends' kids and why I wished they had never moved up north. We talked about a lot of things including Dad and what I should do. She thinks I should be some kind of teacher and wants me to substitute. I looked into briefly once before and it looks like you need some kind of certification, but I did not look into what exactly the certification is. I do everything half way which is the lie I am living. I always convince people I have done what I need to, or at least I convince myself. It is like when I bought the franchise--I really didn't do the homework I needed to. I still have yet to speak to another franchisee other than Mike that was in training with me and I haven't spoken to him since the training. My therapist says lazy is a perception, but that is the negative perception I have about myself.

Anyhow, my sister and I talked a little about our childhoods and mine was definitely different from hers. Part of it is that I don't remember being poor, but I also don't remember us being rich. We always had the necessities and then some. I always had new clothes for school and we always had food to eat and we always had a decent place to live--in the last house there was even a swimming pool. On the other side, very rarely did I ever get something I wanted. I never got the coolest toys or anything. But it didn't seem to matter too much. I think I kept my disappointment bottled inside. There was one time in high school, we had gone shopping for suits for some reason, and my Mom bought me a really nice coat. I was expecting to see it under the tree, but instead she gave it to me from Santa Claus. I was so distraught Christmas Eve to not get the coat and for some reason even more upset when it came the next morning from Santa. Anyhow I am off the topic again. My sister and I talked and I mentioned I wanted to see a psychic and she thought it would be a good idea.

I was terrified in the morning and was feeling a little better in the evening, but it was still very difficult to sleep. I have been taking way too many sleep aids in my opinion. But I took them nonetheless since the next day was Monday and I had some things I needed to do.

2010-07-25T01:11:00.000-05:00

It is late and I am tired, but I feel the need to document some things that happened today. First I stayed up too late last night after the party watching The Big Bang Theory reruns I had recorded. They were very funny, but I wasn't feeling very tired and needed something to lighten my mood. I danced at the dance, but only with certain people--I danced more, but with nobody I was not familiar with. I was shaky during dinner with a friend, because I was worried he would want to talk about my work and it isn't going anywhere, and I am avoiding it. I got through dinner and did well at the club as far as anxiety goes. Being behind the bar, people can't chat with you long.

I did not take a sleep aid, since I had taken one for the past week--I took them all last weekend because I was at the lake with friends and wanted to be on a schedule. I had a restless night and woke several time dripping with sweat. I also had heartburn that felt a little better after a few draughts of water. I also had a weird dream that I can't quite recall, but my friends' kids were in a house that I felt belonged to my aunt and uncle. I think there were some other kids there, and I was trying to fix them food. There was also several "scenes" with swarms of flies and small yellow birds. It was weird and I don't remember it all.

I managed to unload the dishwasher and load what dirty dishes I had into it. I also was able to put away some laundry that had been in the basket and dryer for a while--more than a couple of weeks. I was very pleased to be able to do something. Hopefully, I will be able to do some more tomorrow.

I went to church for the Saturday evening mass and I had several small anxiety attacks. I was thinking about the business and asking for a little devine inspiration, but also part of it that I still don't feel comfortable in mass. I am always worried what the people around me are thinking of me and once I felt like I was sweating it got worse. For some reason I think I feel a little more at ease in the crowded Sunday morning mass than at the less crowded Saturday mass. I wonder if that is because I have gone to the Sunday morning mass the most. I got some envelopes for the offering, but I did not use them. I am not sure why since they know everything from the check except the number they have assigned me. It just felt more intimate somehow. I am not sure if intimate is the right word, but it is close.

After mass I had some food and then went to another friend's half birthday party. He has taken to celebrating his half-birthday because it is in the middle of summer and he can do different things. He had three bands scheduled and I left in the middle of the second, because the people I was sitting with were leaving. I had taken an anxiety pill before heading to the party which was downtown. I was able to talk with a friend's wife about my problems somewhat easily, but as the night drew on I had more difficulty. Part of that also is that she seemed very sympathetic and did not appear to judge, while I felt the other friends would judge me and tell me to keep at it. I was able to dodge the conversation for the most part, but the thought that it might come up again always loomed in my mind. The first band was good--it was a cabaret style band so it was a bit racy. Luckily I was surrounded by my friends so the singer could not come up to me. It happened the last time I saw the band, and I think I would have a harder time keeping myself together right now.

Driving home I thought about blogging what had happened today and I also thought about telling a female friend about my secret. I have two that I would like to tell, but I don't think they are getting along, so I can't tell them together. I also want to make sure they will keep it a secret. The last time a told a female, she talked to my best friend and his wife about it. I had not disclosed the information to them and we really haven't talked about it--I just know they know.

I was also thinking about how I have always not liked to have my shirt off. When I was in 4th or 5th grade my Mom had signed me up for AYA basketball--AYA was an youth group on the base where Dad was stationed. Anyhow, they would always do shirts and skins and I refused to be skins. It looks like I had a poor body image way back then. I wonder if it had to do with Mom buying me husky pants, while both my brothers got slims. I always felt like a fat little kid, even though I really wasn't. Even when I lost a lot of weight in high school and was wearing 27 inch waist pants, I felt unattractive. The only time I was without my shirt was when I was in the pool teaching or swimming. I would put a shirt on as soon as I got out of the pool. I also did not like tank tops for some reason and had a problem when Mom got tank top shirts one summer for the guards. I almost never wore mine, I always wore one of the shirts from the previous year.

Now I look at myself and I am short, fat and bald. The irony is that I have hair everywhere else which I really don't like. I do not like to see hair on other peoples backs and shoulders and hate it even more on me. I had it waxed for a while, but it is very expensive. It took a lot for me to go to the anesthician, but I really liked the experience. The little bit of pain was almost enjoyable in a weird way. I was so relaxed on the table and just let the pain go most of the time. Anyhow, I also have a lot of scars from acne on my upper arms, shoulders and chest--of course it doesn't help that constantly picking at my scabs and skin. I probably notice them more than other people would if they ever saw them. I am also very pale since I wear a shirt all the time. I think this would turn women off because I don't like it.

Anyhow the computer battery is low so good night.

2010-07-23T17:54:00.000-05:00

I went to my psychologist today and he expressed that he was having difficulty determining what my problem was as much as I was. He was wondering if he should refer me to someone else, but he was concerned that they would not do any better. He feels some responsibility for me and wants to help me before I ruin myself financially. I feel confident that I would never ruin myself financially, but it could happen.

We had a good discussion, but I am also frustrated that I feel we are not making any progress. He wanted to assign me homework, but I am not sure if he did. The mission--should I accept it--is to figure out what secrets I am trying to keep from everybody. My problem is that there are so many that I don't know where to go. They range from the big secret to a whole bunch of others. I am not sure I am ready to talk about the big secret. There are only a few people in the world who know my big secret, but there are others who probably could guess. I should ask some of them that I really trust--OK maybe just one of them.

The second biggest is that I don't really tell the factual truth all the time. I tried to get that across today without saying I lie all the time. You can't tell from this blog, but I am a pretty smart guy and have a lot of training in languages, from people languages (I am not sure what to call them) to computer languages. My study of different languages gives me a good perspective on how to use words. Also, I was a military brat and I feel very strongly that the exposure to other cultures also has given me insight into how people think. I have always prided myself on being able to communicate with both the user's and the programmer's. While they all generally speak English, the are subtleties to how they use the language to convey their thoughts. There are also "cultural" differences where the programmer assumes certain thing that the user is completely unaware of. Anyhow we discussed this and that I tend to use my words to express what I think the listener wants to hear. I wonder if that is why I have a hard time talking to strangers--I don't know want they want to hear and I can't customize the conversation for them. Maybe it is also why I can function much better in circumstances where I am fully aware of all aspects of what is being discussed and have a clear understanding of what I needs to happen. Social Anxiety just doesn't seem to be the problem to me, it is a label based on a few symptoms.

We talked some more about the avoidance thing and I am not sure if I am AvPD or if most of the symptoms fit my issue. We did seem to narrow it down to me not being able to do things. I need to think about this from a different perspective and try to understand what I am feeling and not what is happening. Part of my problem is that I don't think I feel much of anything, but when I look at me from an outside perspective, I disagree--I think I am feeling lots of things, they just aren't what I want to feel. It is like right now. I am typing into this blog when in the back of my mind I feel like I should be doing something more important and more productive--productive to what end I am not exactly sure. This blog is actually kind of therapeutic so it doesn't bother me as much. However before I started on this post, I posted to another blog I am starting that I actually hope people read. While I was posting there was a feeling of relief that I was actually doing something about that blog and being somewhat productive.

I am at the library, because I didn't want to go all the way back home and then back to this area of town to meet a friend for dinner and then go to the club. I figured out long ago that I like to bartend at the club so that I can hide and not have to dance as much. It is not that I don't enjoy dancing--I really do, it is that I am not always sure my partner is enjoying themselves. I am worried that they will judge me. I think I have said all this before. Anyhow, being at the library has brought me a little bit of clarity. Instead of playing games and flipping through channels on the TV, I am posting to blogs. I do not have a strong urge to play game, but it is tugging at me in the back of my mind.

Back to the issue of me not doing stuff. Part of it is that I feel like if I can do whatever, I should be able to do something more important. I am still not sure that is a good explanation for not doing laundry or the dishes. For those two activities I think about the time it will take to do them and think that I don't want to take the time right now because maybe I will want to do something else or that I can do them later. When I am sitting on the couch, I think I should go upstairs and do the dishes. I then start flipping the channels on the TV or start playing a game on the computer--or sometimes even surfing for nothing. Even when I am playing a game I will flip through the channels. I get bored easily with a task on want to move on to something else. I am completely ignoring important "business tasks"--I am not sure what I am thinking. I feel guilty when I do think about not doing them and that guilt can be intense and instead I try to distract myself by playing a game or watching TV. These activities seem to be able to push the other ones out of my mind.

I have been avoiding my work phone for ever. My payroll provider should be calling me for payroll and I still won't answer the phone. I really need to add Caller ID to that phone--I didn't think I would need it, I had a fantasy about answering the phone when I was there and people leaving messages when I was not. I need to make a decision on how to proceed, but I need to talk to a lot of people to figure out how to dismantle this thing. In addition, I don't know what it will cost me and where will I get money from afterwards. There is another fantasy where I sell a bunch of the crap in my house and then sell my house to Homevesters. The selling to Homevesters might actually be something I could do since it is one call to start the ball rolling and I assume they will spearhead it from there--I don't know if I would get enough money to pay off all I won on the house. I just think about emptying the house and I go back to the can't thing. I am going to try to put selling my CDs and DVDs on my list of things to do. I don't know if I can do it, but if I can that would be a bunch of crap gone.

2010-07-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

Today is not exactly a good day. I managed to get out of bed at a reasonable hour and I sent an email to my one and only client indicating that I might not be continuing in this business and that he should take some steps to avoid an increase in his telecommunications charges. Other than that I keep thinking about how I am going to live the rest of my life.

Because I bought the franchise and used my 401K to do it, I do not know how to exit the business and I am afraid there are huge costs associated with exiting. i still don't want to get a job or at least a real job that requires me to do a lot of thinking. Honestly, if I got a job I think I would preform that job as well as possible, but I wonder if what I am experiencing now would continue and interfere with my performance. I have had thoughts of selling all my stuff including my house and finding a cheap place to live here--either with a friend who is renting out part of her house or with someone else. While it sounds like a good idea, I am afraid that I would have too many privacy issues to actually follow through.

The thought of selling all my toys has appeal right now because they just sit there gathering dust. My problem is that I don't want to go through the work to sell them. I thought about having a garage sale, but I worry that I will not get as much money plus I could never do it at my house and transporting all the junk somewhere else is problematic. I think of the things I either want to keep or want to give to specific people. My family has difficulties getting rid of stuff--my parents' house is packed fairly tightly with stuff. Mom has filled every closet and under every bed and Dad just stacks stuff where ever there is room. Dad has a large shop where his business only requires about an eighth of the floor space--the rest is packed with junk from the house. My house is not quite that bad, but my bedroom is absolutely horrible. I keep moving everything there on the rare occasions someone visits.

I wonder if I would be any happier in that type of life. I would have less financial stress, but that doesn't necessarily mean I would be happier.

I thought maybe this week I would actually call the telemarketer that the franchiser wants me to call, but I can't seem to get the nerve. It is like I want to fail. I mean I have given up already without really giving it the try I planned to when I bought the franchise. Just like a lot of things in my life, I had a fantasy and then when it started going wrong I just abandoned it instead of trying to make it work.

I have also been looking at lot of websites about Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the posts and I keep thinking, this isn't me maybe I am not AvPD. I look at the symptoms and signs and I think this is me, but the people talking on the message boards do not seem like me. For one, I am surprised how many are married and have kids. Maybe AvPD developed later or somehow they got through the close personal relationship thing. Maybe their partners were more aggressive when trying to have a relationship with these people. Also, the don't seem to have any friends. I have friends and I do things with them on a regular basis. I make new friends through them and my circle grows. The parts that fit the diagnosis are that when I lose a friend I don't worry about it too much unless they were one of the few close friends, I will sometimes say mean things to friends--I don't know if I am testing their friendship or trying to push them away, and finally even my close personal friends do not know the real me. I have kept a lot of things hidden in my private life from friends and family. This is one reason I don't like people to visit my house. Also, there are times when I fantasize about my different groups of friends coming together, but in reality I do not want that because I am afraid they will compare notes and figure me out. Many of them also talk about not being able to hold down a job or even go outside. I wonder what I have become and will I turn into them. I feel so lost and I am looking for something to identify with, but I don't really want to identify with that group. I keep feeling like I should post my issues and see what others have to say. Really it has only been a handful of people who are posting. I am using the same Brock Garthok pseudonym that I worry that it is not appropriate. It is just a name, but it is goofy and only has meaning to me and some of my friends. Unfortunately, I use it too much and I worry people will find out who I am. Since it is a Yahoo group I should really come up with a new one. I wonder how that works if I change the pseudonym.

As I am thinking about this, I am looking at the video games and accessories that I have and never use. I bought a PS/2 to play Lego Star Wars and that is the only game I have ever played for any length of time. I bought Guitar Hero and played it for a while and really enjoyed it, but I haven't played it in forever even though I have since bought several more Guitar Hero games. I even have a copy of Rock Band and I would love to play with friends, but can't seem to invite anyone over for that. Also, I am too afraid that they will outperform me and I will not be the "hero". I really want some sort of recognition, but am always afraid I don't deserve it when I get it.

I type these things into this blog and really would like some one to read it. I keep thinking I will tell my therapist about it, but I am afraid that see me a needy and will critique what I written. I really want some stranger to stumble across it and make some kind of poignant comment that will help me be better. Although it is just me rambling and whining about my problems and issues, so I don't think anyone will really be interested.

I want an easy way to be a different person. I keep looking at hypnotherapy and wonder if that would do it. I am skeptical, but I hope I can bring it up on Friday. If I coach in a way of getting my therapist's opinion I am hoping that he won't think I am trying to find an easy way out even though I am pretty sure he will know.

On a different topic, I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but I have been playing D&D Encounters at a Friendly Local Game Store. For the last several weeks I actually got to run the encounter. I have really enjoyed it, but part of it is that I want the reward--it is just more stuff that I will just store away and never use. I am also enjoying the power of being in control and it is fulfilling a fantasy of running an encounter and people having fun. I think I have been doing a decent job with the encounters and would almost like to run a Living Forgotten Realms campaign. The attraction is that the modules are already written and I just have to run them. Right now I am not sure where I am going with my life and I don't want the commitment.

I really need to go take a shower and get moving with my day. I have a problem ending things. To me each post ends abruptly because I am done saying what I wanted to say. I envy people like Leonard Nimoy or Stan Lee who have taglines that sound cool to end their posts. Maybe I will come up with one some day.

How about "end of line"?

2010-07-19T23:25:00.000-05:00

Friday was a good day for me. I seemed in an "up" mood all day. I went to the psychologist in the afternoon and he said I was smiling more. I actually talked to him about Avoidant Personality Disorder and explained that the symptoms (if that is the right term) are what I am feeling when I think about my personal life. The time went by so fast that we didn't get a chance to talk about all the things I wanted to discuss. Hopefully this Friday we will get to other things. He did say he wanted me to have a dialogue with myself about my feelings when I don't do things--we'll get to that a little later.

I decided to go to the lake with some friends and their kids and I didn't even mind the several hours in the car, because I was feeling good. They were a bit disappointed because they had invited some other friends who canceled on them.

On Saturday, we went out on the boat after a late breakfast. My friend had gotten a new wake board for his birthday and wanted to try it out--he was very excited about the wake board and talked about it lot before going to the lake. He did well with the wake board even though he said it was different from the one he had tried before. We then went to a cove where everyone else went swimming. I wanted to go swimming with them, but for some reason I just couldn't. Here was my conflict that I needed to write down and have a dialogue with myself. I am finding it kind of difficult to do this after the fact. I tried to remember what I was feeling, but it is kind of vague. There were actually several times during the weekend when they were swimming that I wanted to get in with them. I rationalize it by saying that lake water is dirty--which it is--and that I don't like the sun--which I don't. Anyhow, I thought about what I was feeling and there were two things: 1. I was concerned about how they would see me in a bathing suit. I am embarrassed by the way I look and I worry that people will talk bad about me to other people. 2. Because I have been so adamant in the past about not getting in the water, they would view me as a liar to some degree if I went in now.

For the first issue, let me start by saying I was always wearing a rash shirt to avoid sunburn and so that I would not be shirtless if I decided to go swimming--that way I would be somewhat clothed and my friends would not have to see parts of me they have not seen before. Of course the rash shirt does not hide the fat and wet clothes cling to the body. Rationally, my friends are not perfect and would not have changed their opinion of me. They have seen me at a heavier weight and I don't really believe they care what I look like. As I think more about it I also am afraid they would tell their friends who would look at me differently. None of these people look anything like a super model so have no room to judge, and I don't think they would judge anyway. On top of that I don't think my friends would do anything to put me in a bad light on purpose or to be hurtful. They have been my friends for a long time and to my knowledge they have kept certain things that they have found out to themselves--so it is not like they have ever betrayed my confidence. But the things I am worried about are those things that are only important to me. They may something in passing to someone else because it is not that important to most people. Again, I do not believe they would ever change their opinion of me because of what I look like or that they would betray my confidence on purpose.

The second issue is a bit more elusive. This is something new to me. I don't know that I would have ever come up with this if I had not been trying to take a mental picture of my feelings. Honestly, this is still along the lines of changing their opinion of me or betray my confidence. They would have been very happy for me to join them and while they would have been surprised, I don't think they would have viewed it as I have been lying to them. I know that I have made excuses for my behavior to make it sound plausible, and even if they "found out" I can't imagine that they would stop being my friends or treat me differently. I feel like I am lying to people and most of my stress is really about other people finding out. The funny thing is that it is never about anything important. I am usually pretty up front with important things, it is the small things that I change to make myself look better. I always worry that I won't remember what I told people, but frankly because it is not the important things, I don't they would remember either. I also believe that if they did find out about something I was altering, they would understand once I explained it to them.

I still wished I had gone in the water just once. The perfect time would have been Sunday morning, the only problem was that I was not in my swimsuit. I had gone down to the dock where they were already in the water not prepared to get in. My friends were going to go out in the boat to do some more wake boarding and possibly some skiing, and a couple of the kids wanted to stay. I told them I would watch the kids and used that as an excuse to get my swimsuit on. When I got back, they had all decided to go out on the boat, so I missed my chance. All the while I kept telling myself to just get in the water, and at the same said that I could always do it later--procrastination is a huge problem for me. I need to put that on my list for the psychologist.

While at the lake, I talked with my friends quite frankly about some of my activities, but in retrospect I am not sure I told them as much as I thought. The whole conversation was really wrapped around them being concerned about their kids. They are constantly wanting their kids to go outside and play or go somewhere else and play. Their kids also pick on each other a lot when they are playing and usually someone is crying and someone else is screaming. My friends both have very quick tempers and their kids were brought up that way. Also, their kids have a very different environment from the one they grew up in. None of their school friends live close by and television is a lot more interesting. In a way I feel for their kids, because I think they feel a little bit rejected at times. While I know they love their kids and they actually are quite involved in their kids lives and try to do the best for them, they yell at them a lot to go play. I personally think they want the kids to "go play" an awful lot. The kids are 10 and younger and they want attention and they want some guidance. I don't have kids to mess up so it is awful easy for me to say what to do. I wish there was more I could do, but they aren't my children even though sometimes I treat them that way. I am really bad at correcting them and making them behave. My friends say they don't mind, but sometimes I wonder. I have tried to curtail my comments.

Their kids are actually really good kids as far as I can tell. Sure, they are not perfect, but I have seen a lot worse. When I am around them, I feel a little sad that I never had kids. I really do like kids, but I am often afraid to get to close to kids as I don't know what their parents will think. It is a scary world when you are a single man--or maybe it is just me. I feel the most comfortable around my friends' kids, because I have been around them from birth and I trust their parents to know I would never do them any harm. I don't know that I feel that way about my own nieces and nephews. There are a lot of things I want to share with their kids because I don't have kids of my own, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries, plus I don't want the kids to reject openly things that I like. It is kind of like they are rejecting me. I know this is irrational. Kids seem to have unconditional love and will not reject you unless you reject them or hurt them.

I also worry about inconveniencing my friends. In reality, I think they would be happy to unload their kids for a couple of hour. The other part is that I just want to take the boys right now. The boys are older and I think the activities I want to do are more "male" activities. I have kind of been waiting for the boys to get older so that they could start doing some of the things I like.

I wonder if it is part OCD that I want their kids to have certain rules and I want them enforced. Actually, I think all kids should have certain rules. I don't like it when kids climb all over furniture and I don't like it when they throw things in the house. One time I got after my nephew for throwing things indoors. His mother was there as well as our younger sister and her husband. My younger sister's husband apologized because he had been throwing a ball around with my nephew earlier. At that point, I made some comment about how I shouldn't correct other peoples' kids and my older sister made the comment that they allow throwing in the house. When I get after someone usually it involves asking a question in a stern, but calm voice such as "Do we throw things in the house?" or "Do your parents let you climb on the furniture?" so I am trying to not be the parent, but to still show my disapproval. It works better on younger kids--older kids usually come back pretty quickly with "yes" which requires a few more direct questions or a statement that they know that is not true. I have actually backed down a couple of times if they can explain to me why they are allowed and the activity is not dangerous or destructive.

We got back from the lake on Sunday afternoon and I stayed at my friends' house until somewhat late because I didn't want to go home. After the call on Thursday with the franchiser, I have been very anxious about the business. I really need to do something positive. My heart pounds in my chest every time I start to think about doing some work. We'll see if I can make some progress tomorrow.

2010-07-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

Just when I am feeling somewhat good about my life, I get a note from the franchiser rep requesting a call. I talked with him this morning and now I am in a tailspin. During the whole conversation my heart raced even though I had taken an anxiety pill. He said all the right things to make me think I could make this work, but then the conversation was over and all my doubts washed back over me. I am struggling with whether I step out of my box and try his suggestion or do I continue along my self destructive path of discovery.

I am still not sure what I want out of life, but I understand the need for income and money and that is still a strong driver, no matter how much I push it back. I don't want my life to be a pursuit of money. I pursue money to buy the things I think will fill the holes, but there is no "thing" that will fill the hole.

I am now thinking I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have many of the signs to some degree. I would think that I am a high functioning AvPD, but I don't know. I am planning to talk to my psychologist about this Friday, if I remember and have the guts to bring it up. I keep telling myself I need to write down a list of things to say, but I don't do it--just like everything else. I am very excited about having a name for what I am going through. My family used to say I am lazy and I kind of believe them. Now I have hope that maybe I can change.

On a different note, I have been entering the Publisher's Clearing House drawings on the web on a frequent basis. They send me email to my spam account and I have been clicking through. I am not ordering anything, but I bet they are making money just on the click throughs. I also responded to a psychic to get information. I did not buy anything, but Bethea keeps sending me information. I am on the fence as to whether psychics are real and I have a hard time believing that an internet psychic will have any validity, but the shadow of a doubt keeps me interested. Since this is supposed to be a financially lucky week for me, I have been buying a few more lottery tickets than normal. I am not spending hundreds of dollars or anything, just a few extra bucks. I have fantasies of winning lots of money so that I do not have to work and can work on my psych issues.

I used to think I would open a game store or something, but now I know I don't really want to own my own business. I would use the money to help finance someone else to run a business. I also used to think my whole life would change and I would become a different person. While this is a great dream or fantasy, I realize now that I would not probably change anything--I would just not have to worry about money. I still wish I could win the lottery, but my fantasies are not as exciting anymore.

2010-07-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

Of late I keep thinking about what I want in life and what would make me happy and I am having a lot of problems. I have never really had goals and ambitions--I have fantasies that I never expect to come true, but not a vision of the future. I always thought I wanted a family after I made enough money, but no amount ever seemed to be enough and now I am older and don't want to start a family where everyone will think I am my child's grandfather. I know people do it all the time, but I don't have the energy. I don't have enough energy for my life let alone kids.

Anyhow, I am trying to determine how one decides what they really want. I have a bunch of stuff that I bought to make me happy, but it doesn't. I seem to know what I don't want to do, but I don't know what I want. I have let life carry me along a if I were floating in a stream. Now I feel as if there is a fork up ahead and I can hear a waterfall somewhere ahead. I could float and possibly not hit the waterfall or I could make a more active choice. The outcome is unknown and I don't like unknown. It is not that I don't like a challenge, only challenges I am not sure I can beat. What's funny is that I will make decisions that are bad and then own up to them--although I do twist the story so I don't look so bad or just to soften the error.

I still am envious of people who seem to know what they want or at least are happy with their lives most of the time. I am finding some enjoyment in little things more. In the last month I have run a couple of D&D Encounters and I really liked it. I also enjoy playing new games, but I feel guilty while I am playing so it is not as much fun. I enjoy talking with people about things I am interested in, but I have difficulties when I am don't have an interest in the topic. I kind of want to help young people find their way. I think is maybe because I am lost myself. My sister has said she thinks I should be a teacher, but I don't want to go back to school.

I keep looking for some kind of website to help me, plus I am talking to a psychologist, but he doesn't seem to work that way. He wants to expose me to things I problems with. I understand how that works with specific issues, but I want something more broad. We'll see how it goes. As it is now, I need to figure how to join the church I have been attending on and off for more than 10 years. We'll see how it goes.

2010-07-02T15:56:00.000-05:00

Things I want to do, but don’t:
• Learn to play a musical instrument
• Take singing lessons
• Learn how to take better pictures and to fix them with Photoshop
• Lift weights (learn the best ways and to just do it)
• Take cooking classes (especially a knife skills class)
• Join the church and become active in the parish such as assisting with CCD
• Have friends over to my house
• Trim the hedges
• Facilitate game playing at a public/semi-public venue
• Get friends to play different games
• Go swimming at friends’ house

2010-07-02T12:51:00.002-05:00

Why I don’t do the things I want to do.

Every time I want to try to learn to play a musical instrument, I imagine being able to play very well. When I think about actually taking the lessons I am hesitant because I am afraid what I imagine will not be what happens, even though I think I would find enjoyment in just being able to play the simplest things. I imagine being able to play Christmas carols at friends’ Christmas party, but I know that even if I could play I would never do it in front of all my friends. Many things I don’t do, because I think I can do them later. I put things off constantly. Part of the reason is that if I don’t do them I won’t be disappointed in the results. I don’t feel like I will be able to do things as well as I imagine I could do them, so I would rather not.

There are times when I just jump in and do something even though I rationally don’t think it is a good idea. I let my imagination convince me that this time I will be different and I will be able to fulfill the dream. It usually takes a few weeks, and then the reality starts creeping in. I start doubting myself and realize that I won’t make the dream come true and give up.

I am not necessarily self motivated. When I was younger I was motivated to make money to gain the things in life that would make me happy. As I got older and had money, I found that the things didn’t make me happy and I had lost a lot of time when I could have been doing the things I kept putting off. Unfortunately, I am still putting them off. I don’t think it was ever the money that kept me from doing those things. It was generally some sort of fear—and most often a fear of what other people would think. Throughout my life I have shied away from social situations. I have always had a few close friends and that’s it. I generally never went anywhere unless it was with these friends. I only had these friends because of the situation. I was somehow put into situations where they became my friends out of proximity or through another friend.

Even with my current friends, I have a hard time committing to activities. When they have parties I generally wait until the last minute to confirm or until they force the issue. Also, I often do not go to public events with them if it is a social situation where I may be left on my own. I always want to go with them or attend their parties, but I am always hesitant and always nervous.

It is always too easy to not do anything than to do something. I want to do something, but I take the easy road out. I always want things to be easy and usually take the easy path. I don’t know if this is laziness or what, but it is the thing I most want to change. It is the hardest thing to change because I don’t want to work at it—I want it to come easy like many other things in my life.

At this time I also seem to have a lack of concentration. I can’t seem to focus on a task long enough to complete it. I am not sure how to rectify this. I am so easily distracted by other tasks, by TV, or by thinking about things I need to do. I spend so much time thinking about things I need to do or imagining things I want to do and how nice it would be to do them. Part of the imaging is the accolades I would get from other people—not necessarily people telling me how great I am, but just a feeling from them of respect and admiration. I imagine I would be great and people would notice. I spend a lot of time basically dreaming of a better life where I am special and a lot time thinking about how I will never get my dreams.

2010-06-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

I am struggling with a lot these days. The medications don't seem to be working as intended. I have completely given up on trying to get anything accomplished outside of getting out of bed and eating--and I am not doing either very well. I am so frustrated to think that my life seems so out of control and that I should be able to just get over it and I can't. I feel like I am just using this as an excuse not to do anything--but I am not enjoying my life so it doesn't make sense. It's not like I am off having fun, I am just either curled up in bed or curled up on the couch thinking about everything going wrong in my life. Sometimes the TV is on with the sound turned down a little, because I don't really want to watch, but I the sound helps keep me a little calmer. I keep wondering how does this get better. I am not exactly feeling encourage by the psychologist right now. He talks about exposure therapy and it sounds like dealing with the symptoms and not the cause. I wonder if I will have the nerve or strength or whatever to ask him about that. The 50 minute session goes by so fast and I feel like all I do is complain and there is no moving forward.

I have been doing a little searching on the internet for possible help, but who knows if you can trust any of what you read. I always feel like it is either the same high level information repeated from site to site or they are trying to sell you the answer and there is no way to know if it is a valid program without opening yourself up to fraud. I guess things are that way in real life as well.

The one thing about the medications is that I am not thinking that getting hit by a truck or contracting a fatal disease will solve my problems as much--although the rationale is still as valid as it was before. I just keep wondering what the next 40 to 50 years of my life are going to look like and will I be doomed to be like this forever. My issues definitely seem to go back a very long way and I don't see anyone trying to help me deal with the core issue. I keep wondering if hypnosis will help. Part of my problem is that I want to be somebody different and I don't think that will happen.

2010-06-14T22:34:00.000-05:00

So I went to my primary car physician last week and now I am on an anti-depressant, a sleep aid, and an anti-anxiety medication. I feel even more out of sorts right now while all these medications are building up in my system. Today I was probably awake 8 hours total and that was mostly in half hour to hour settings with the exception of meeting some friends for dinner. I do feel a little better in that I am not shaking and breaking out in sweats all the time. I am still struggling with doing anything, but at least I am not beating myself up constantly about it.

Right now I feel not much at all. I am sure the anxiety and depression will return in the morning.

2010-06-07T22:34:00.000-05:00

So can somebody tell me why I was able to access blogger all weekend. I have emotional problems I want to write about so that no one will read them--I know, because once again I check Google Analytics and it tells me so.

Anyhow, I went over to a friends yesterday and I took some of my old Sci-Fi books that I thought his young boys might like. They are 9 and 10 and I am not sure if all the books were appropriate for their age, but since I will probably never have kids, I want to share my love of Sci-Fi with someone. The one I said they should read first is Asimov's I, Robot. I didn't read it until my freshman year in college for my freshman humanities class. I have yet to see the movie with Will Smith because most of my friends said I would probably not like it. Anyhow, I think the book would be good for young readers, but I am waiting to see what the boys say. I kind of wish I had a copy of L'Engle's A Wind in the Door--I think that is a good book for younger readers. I also left them Asmiov's Foundation, Herbert's Whipping Star, Herbert's Grain Brain, Niven's The Integral Trees, MacDonald's Ballroom of the Skies, Pohl's Space Merchants, Lewis' Out of the Silent Planet and Brooks' Magic Kingdom For Sale Sold. Out of the Silent Planet, Space Merchants and Ballroom of the Skies were also part of my freshman humanities class. I can't remember what other books we read for that class. I know Van Vogt's Slan was supposed to be on the list, but it was out of print at the time. I did read it later and really enjoyed it. I really want the boys to be older so that I could share more mature books like Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land and Huxley's Brave New World.

The younger of the two boys read the first two Harry Potter books, so I think he will be able to read the books, I just don't know if he will understand the themes. I am afraid the older one will not read any of the books and he was who I brought them for. Now that they are on summer break, I thought it would be good to have books available to pick in those times when they need to be quiet. They watch entirely too much TV and I was like that when I was young and I think it led to some of my issues--or maybe it supported my avoidance issues. I still tend to avoid by watching TV. I have at least five TVs in my house and I live alone.

I am still having anxiety issues with trying to start a business. I was on Manta.com today and ran a across a video from some CEO who said that if you are not having fun, you are not going to be productive. I am definitely not having fun. The question is, can it become fun. I am always amazed at people who say they enjoy what they are doing, because I never enjoy what I am doing and I have decided that is a big part of the problem that needs to be fixed--I need to find fun in life.

I asked the psychologist what the end of this would look like, and I don't think he ever answered my question. Actually at the end of the session we kind of went off on a tangent. We ended with an assignment to plan my business week, when I want to make sure we focus on my life as a whole and not just on work. Maybe this is just my mid-life crisis, but I still want to change my life going forward so that there is some kind of meaning in my life. I am feeling like I have always taken the easy road and just let life lead me and now life has stopped leading and I am floundering. And my response is to hide and wait for life to lead me again, but in the meantime I am so lost and confused that I am don't know what to do. Everybody around me is being so positive and optimistic and for some reason it is kind of making me more depressed. I don't seem to want solutions, I seem to want sympathy--it is like I am a woman getting angry at her husband when he makes suggestions while she is complaining about her day.

I will be talking to my primary care physician in a couple of days to discuss better living through pharmacology. I am not a big believer in drugs, but I really want to see some kind of change and of course I want the easy way. We will see how it goes.

2010-06-03T22:28:00.000-05:00

Last night after D&D Encounters I was talking to a good friend of mine and he joked that I bought the franchise to avoid creating a resume and looking for a job. I was a bit upset and got a little depressed on the way home. This morning I realized that part of what upset me was that there was too much truth in it. In a way it was a way to push off life for a while.

I tried a new introduction this morning that my mentor wanted me to use, but somehow I screwed it up. I need to figure this one out. Unfortunately, I slept again this afternoon instead of working. After the BNI group meeting, the chamber of commerce meeting, and meeting with my accountant I was tired. I stopped on my way home to pick up my new lenses for my glasses and I was so tired walking through the mall waiting the hour for Lenscrafters to install the new lenses.

I had every intention to work, but everyone knows the path to hell is paved with good intentions. And now, even after 3 hour nap this afternoon which left me groggy and listless; I am very tired and ready to go to sleep.

2010-05-31T15:15:00.000-05:00

Friday I went to a psychologist because I am having a lot of problems getting out of bed and doing things. Evidently, I have high anxiety and I am dealing with it through avoidance. This is nice and good, but it hasn't helped me not have panic attacks today. I know tomorrow is going to be horrible. Yesterday I was playing game with some some friends and could not enjoy myself because I kept thinking about all the things I keep putting off. The psychologist suggested I get medication to help with the therapy, but I am not sure I an call my doctor to talk about it. I can't even seem to talk to my family. My family usually talks to me and I just listen and sometimes offer suggestions. I am so tired of people telling me just to do it.

I am so scared the franchisor will find out I am having emotional problems and will want to retract my franchise. While in a way, I wouldn't be too opposed to that. I am not sure how I would really react to failure of that nature. I don't know what to do and waiting until next Friday to speak to the psych guy again may be too much. I am wondering if Mondays or Tuesdays would be better since the beginning of the week is worse than the end. At the end of the week I basically don't feel as guilty not working as I do at the beginning of the week. I think Sunday evenings might be the worst since I just dwell on everything I have to do the coming week. Of course I don't do anything, but the anxiety is there.

Right now I really need to be working so that I can start today off well, but I am still sitting in bed flipping back and forth between Star Trek: TNG and Phineas and Ferb. Hopefully, therapy will help. I have a hard time admitting it, but there are times that I wish I would die or at least get hurt enough so that I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.

Anyhow, the two main things I learned on Friday are that I feel inferior and that I am afraid to disappoint everyone and anyone. The one thing I should talk abut this week is that I really like to be praised and secretly wish to be viewed as a star, but always feel undeserving.

2010-05-25T23:18:00.000-05:00

Here it is the end of the day Tuesday and I have not accomplished all that I wanted. And instead of working feverishly, I am watching Glee on the DVR after having played a couple of games of Settlers of Catan at some friends house--I actually won the first game gaining seven victory points in one round. If you are familiar with Settlers of Catan, you know this can be difficult, but we were playing with Seafarers, Cities & Knights, and two mini-expansions from Traders and Barbarians--Fishermen of Catan and the Harbormaster. We now have quite a list of house rules since most of the expansions don't adequately address interaction with other expansions. The one that helped me win is that when you get a Metropolis from Cities & Knights, you can place it on a city on a harbor and the city becomes worth four harbor points towards Harbormaster. Anyhow, I built a settlement, played the Merchant progress card, upgraded to a city, built a metropolis, and stole Harbormaster for a seven point turn. I was close on the second game, but I did not win.

As far as the business goes, I finally went to an accountant and got a lot of good information. I also contacted the local chamber of commerce and am headed to a coffee meeting tomorrow morning--early in the morning. I also have a couple meetings with some other people later in the week. Sadly, none of them are potential clients, at least not yet.

I actually set up an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday to try and deal with all my emotional issues that seem to prevent me from getting much done. I just find myself escaping by watching TV much of the day and that is not helpful. Kind of like I am doing now, although I am also blogging into the blogosphere--of course no one is reading. I know that because I have Google Analytics to tell me so. I think that is why I am so candid most times.

Anyway, I am hoping to get a relaxation this Memorial Day weekend. Some friends are having a get together on Sunday, but the rest of the weekend appears to be mine--Mine! I tell you, Mine!

2010-05-23T02:20:00.000-05:00

Just got home from a friend's party. I don't know why I never can leave at a decent time. Anyhow it was nice to see some old friends that showed up. I had hope to talk more about my new business but I have hard time, because I feel like I am imposing. I was able to get through the 5 minute speech with Melody and she mentioned she would talk to her bosses--ideally I should have asked for their names so that I could send some information. I am just not sure how to go about that without it feeling forced.

I did sign a client on Friday, although he was my franchise broker and I feel like it was cheating, but he is a client none the less. Now I have a long list of things I need to do on top of trying to find another client for next week.

Anyhow, it is late and I have a busy day today and I need some sleep.

2010-05-19T23:05:00.000-05:00

I flew back home on Monday and I actually conversed with people around me on the plane. This is a somewhat new experience for me. I generally have a book to read or earphones on, but I am making a more concerted effort to "be out there" now that I have my own business to market. The couple to the right of me were originally from Myanmar and were traveling through the US for a month with stops in Los Angeles, Kansas City, Washington DC, Florida and Dallas. Unfortunately, their English was not so good, so the conversation didn't last long--plus they fell asleep. The woman across the aisle to the left was traveling back from England. She was very lucky to get out after the volcano in Iceland clouded the sky. Evidently, they had opened Heathrow for a brief stint that morning and only a handful of flights went out.

Now that I am home, I have been trying to put some of the stuff I learned into practice. It has only been two days, and I am already feeling overwhelmed once again. I have a call with a mentor in the morning to help me get back on track.

I have continued to play games with some friends in the evening, but I warned them all that this would be coming to an end. The Thursday game was coming to an end anyway since Ralph was starting his new job this coming Monday. Part of owning my own business was having some personal time and here I am talking about giving it up. We'll see how it works out going forward.

I have been trying to catch up on some of the shows I DVR'd last week, and evidently there were a lot of storms in the area while I was gone. All the shows I watched had storm warnings in them. I was kind of hoping my house would blow away, but it did not.

Anyway, another day is done and tomorrow starts early now that I am no longer unemployed. The good news is that I am taking a more optimistic attitude and know that tomorrow will be a great day.

2010-05-12T22:40:00.000-05:00

Stratford Ontario is a quaint little town with a large theatrical presence. With a name like Stratford next to a river called Avon and the town of London nearby, you just have to expect some connection to the bard and the theatrical arts. There is even a Shakespeare park in town and the town of Shakespeare is just down the road.

There are four main theatres in town. Unfortunately for me, the theatre season has not fully begun. There are a few shows open--mostly during the day when I am already engaged.

Monday I walked through the center of town looking for a place to eat. Evidently in the off season, every thing closes on Monday so my choices were limited. I really enjoyed the walk though. One of the reasons I always loved going to Europe was that I was able to safely walk or take public transportation everywhere. In most of the US it seems like everything is designed to require transit by car. There aren't always sidewalks and safe ways to cross the street. Anyway, I really enjoyed the walk and cursed myself for not bringing a camera. I also really like the old look to the town. I live in a suburb where everything kind of looks like everything else and those small architectural details you see in older buildings just don't exist--and if they do, every fifth house or building has the same architectural detail.

Today I went for a walk around the little lake in the northern part of the town. It was a very nice night, a little on the cool side, but nice none the same. Spring has just come to Stratford and there were still a few tulips in bloom. There were swans on the lake as well as geese and duck. It was cute to see the little ducklings swimming around while their parents watched on chasing after them when they strayed a little too far. As I was walking on the path I passed a small group of goslings on one side of the path with the two adult geese on the other side. While the geese did not move when I approached, they did give off this menacing hissing sound. I really can't fully describe how cute the whole thing was and again I cursed myself for not having a camera.

Anyway, I would put Stratford on my list of places I would like to come back to.

2010-05-08T23:49:00.000-05:00

I should have packed more for my trip tomorrow, but alas I always leave everything until the last minute. I talked to my little sister earlier today and she said that is what we do. It is something I want to change about myself, but I am not sure how to. And I keep procrastinating on figuring out a way. It is a never ending circle--although I want to say it is spiral because a little bit of procrastination just leads to more.

I had a really nice dinner with some friends who have birthdays really close together. There were just four of us and I really enjoyed. The waitress assumed Cyn and I were a couple and put our orders on the same bill. In the end Cyn paid for everyone's dinner--I tried to pay for half since the other couple were th ones with the birthdays, but she insisted. That was very sweet of her. I wish I didn't have such personal issues because I would love to have her more in my life.

Which brings me to an interesting thought. These last couple of days I have been using this blog as sort of personal journal. I know that technically this is not a private journal although from Google Analytics I know that only a couple of people have stumbled across it and none of them have stayed more than the time necessary to click away. I think secretly I am writing things that I would really like to tell people in my life. I would really like to have the courage to talk to a professional. I did that once a long time ago when my brother was killed. I only went for one session, because I wasn't really truthful with the shrink and I did not see how I was going to get any help that way. In a weird way I am hoping people happen upon this, but I don't know what I want to happen next. I guess it is my own twisted therapy.

My luck continues to wane--I checked my Powerball tickets to confirm I did not win and I lost two games of Explorers on AsoBrain.com.

Tomorrow I fly to Canada for training and I am filled with trepidation. My biggest fear is that the Franchisor will see that I have problems and back out. I think that is why I have been having such a time telling people I bought the franchise. It is like women who are pregnant but don't want to say anything until they feel comfortable the pregnancy will go to term. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry and now I feel the pressure of having to live up to those expectations and the fear of letting them down.

Anyhow, I need to go to bed so I can get up and have breakfast with some friends before they take me to the airport. Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite.

2010-05-08T01:04:00.000-05:00

I feel like my luck has gone. When I was younger everything always seemed to work out. I always did better than average with most things I tried. The exception was generally physical tasks, although I usually held my own. I play games with friends in the evenings and lately I haven't been doing so well. I also play games on asobrain.com against bots--it is usually so easy to win these games against the AI, but lately I have lost more often. I have even been rolling poorly in the DND games I play. It feels like the only time I roll over a 10 is when it doesn't matter.

I am still concerned about the franchise I am buying. I fly out Sunday (Mother's Day) for training that starts on Monday and lasts all week. I am hoping I get back into a groove next week. I have been so tired lately and I need to get over it. I have downloaded a few free hypnosis audio files and listened to them to relax. There are a few more I need to get. Maybe I can do some self hypnosis to get more motivated.

Anyhow, it is late and not getting to bed is part of my problem.

2010-05-05T09:48:00.004-05:00

It has been a while since I posted anything and a lot has happened, but the most important is that I lost my job about eight months ago. OK, I know it isn't lost, I just don't have it any more. The good news is that I am healthier now than I have been in a while. Even better news is that I am buying a consulting franchise. The downside is that I always said I never wanted to worked for myself. And I will be working out of my home which is number 2 on the list of things I didn't want to do.

My friends and family are really great and being very supportive, even though I am scared out of my wits. I know I am my worst critic, but I am concerned that I do not have the drive to keep going every day. The worst part is I am afraid I will disappoint everyone--my family and friends who keep saying I will do great, the franchisor who is affording me this opportunity, everyone I might do business with, my creditors and of course myself.

I am basically a perfectionist who tends to not start things because I am afraid I won't do them perfectly the first time. I also have a big problem with people watching me do stuff--I feel like inside they are criticizing every move I make. It's like I don't want people to know I am human--I have a really hard time using the restroom at other people's houses or when other people are aware of what I am doing. It is no wonder I live by myself. I don't think I could survive someone else all up in my business. Which of course also makes buying a franchise difficult because the franchisor wants to know about all my business to make sure they are compensated correctly--I can't blame them, it is what I would want to do.

Anyhow, I keep looking on the web for solutions for perfectionism (which of course leads to procrastination, escapism, and a whole host of other isms) and I am unable to find anything beyond making lists and to "just get over it". I probably should see a professional, but that would involve someone getting all up in my business.

In the meantime, I am eating less and having problems sleeping so I am sure there are good things to come. At least I have lost a few pounds in the last couple of weeks as I have been going through the process of creating a corporation to fund the new business. I do feel that I can make this work, I am just concerned I won't do as well as other people expect--and I should just let that go, but I can't.

2007-12-12T20:23:00.000-06:00

While I promised to discuss the house this time, I am more inclined to talk about herbal remedies. For the past several months I have been very depressed and last time I attributed it to a mid-life crisis. Turns out it is something close--low testosterone. I have been taking a herbal supplement - Tribulus Terrestris. After a couple of weeks, I was feeling much better. I went from waves of depression washing over me while I was driving to and from work, to actually feeling calm and collected. According to some sources on the web, you should take the supplement for a few weeks and then stop and then take it a few more weeks. I haven't gotten to the cycle part yet, but I am very happy that I am feeling so much better prior to the holidays.

While I have been actually depressed until recently, a lot of the things I have been contemplating still seem like good ideas. I still want to unclutter my life, I still want companionship, and I still want to quit my job--just not as strongly. I have decided my new year's resolution will be to unclutter my life and try to not let work interfere so much. I have tried this before with little success, but I am hoping the last couple of months will help me remember why I want to do these things. My big problem is my propensity to procrastinate. That will be one of the top things on my list-dealing with procrastination. I am not exactly sure how to do this, but I hope to figure it out.

My next priority will be to finish fixing up my house on the outside. I probably have mentioned this before, but I recently replaced all the windows and now I need to have the roof fixed and I would like to replace the siding. After those two things, I won't feel rushed to do the rest of things that need to be done. I still may sell the house and get a condo or something where the maintenance is mostly done by someone else. I am not very mechanical and have a hard time fixing things myself. My other option would be to find a woman who could do all those things for me.

Until next time

Mid-life Crisis

2007-11-25T21:48:00.000-06:00

I think I am having a real mid-life crisis. In the last 15 years I have had several mid-life crises when I bought expensive things to make me feel better--a new sports car, a condo at the beach, etc. This has been much different. First it started with depression. I kept blaming it on a new project at work, but as I am working through things I think the project just gave it a little jump start. The project took me out of my comfort zone and I started stressing over the littlest things. I lost about 30 pounds before I got it under control.

Anyhow, this mid-life crisis has me reconsidering where I am in my life and where I want to be. I have a good job with a better than average salary, but I am finding that my life is lacking. Here I am going into my forties--I am still only forty and not in my forties until my birthday which seems to be rapidly approaching--and I have no life outside of work. I have sacrificed having a family for having a good salary and where am I now? With this new project I have been traveling a lot and while my friends say they miss me, I was gone for weeks and no one tried to call me or even send an email to see how things were going. I don't mind that my friends have their owns lives--I mind that there is no one special in my life to miss me. I get off the airplane and see all these families waiting for their loved ones and lately I wish there would be someone there for me. I say this and then I don't do anything about it. There are women in my life who could probably be persuaded to be more than friends, but I won't make the move. Maybe in the new year I will take my new not obese body and meet some women.

The next item on my list is all the stuff in my life. My parents are "collectors" meaning they can't throw anything away. I have the same problem. I have problem throwing away junk mail sometimes--I even have phone bills from 1991. I have been throwing some things away--not a lot since I haven't been home a lot, but I have plans to do more in the future. The laid plans of mice and men--most likely I will get over this before I do anything about it, but I am even thinking about selling or giving away my Lego's. I have a lot of Lego's--Castle sets from the 80's and 90's, Pirate sets from the 90's, almost all of the Star Wars sets. I have the coveted Lego guy that is approximately 2 feet high and the statue of liberty. Overall I have probably spent several thousand dollars on Lego's over the last 20 years. They used to bring me a lot of pleasure, but I think I have finally grown up. I have 6 or 7 sets that have not been put together and I took apart my 4 foot long Star Destroyer and put it away. I have a lot of other games and toys that I am contemplating getting rid of. The material things just aren't doing it for me right now. I keep thinking I should pack it all up and take it to one of those eBay Stores and have them sell it for me. I am just not sure how much money they would keep.

Next time: The House

2007-03-10T22:36:00.000-06:00

It has been a long time since I updated the blog. Unfortunately I met with some technical difficulties. Also unfortunate, the pumpkins died without ever producing a ripe one. There was one small green watermelon on the vines when some sort of worm attacked them. We'll have to see if new vines come up.

I have been very busy, although I can't seem to remember why. I bought several games for my PS2 including the new Star Wars Lego game, but I haven't played them since before the holidays. I also haven't played D&D since before the holidays. We all got busy during the holidays and then one of my friends father-in-law passed away in a tragic accident. Since we play at his house, it has been difficult. His mother-in-law has required a lot of attention--which is to be expected.

For my 40th birthday, some friends convinced me it to go on a cruise. It was a Carnival cruise. We stopped at Cozumel, Belize, Costa Maya, and Nassau. I really enjoyed the cruise--it was the first one I had been on. I was coerced into swimming with the dolphins. I really enjoyed that more than I would have thought. The one thing that was a bit disappointing was when I found out it was the Jim Brickman Valentine's cruise. It was enjoyable to watch Jim play the piano and hear Ann Cochran sing, but I was the only single person in our group. I would recommend a cruise to anyone even though we had inclement weather for most of the trip.

Other than that, I have been struggling with work. I am not enjoying my work. The only thing I look forward to is the game playing. We generally play games at lunch and sometimes after work. Bang! from DaVinci Games is one of our more played games. The second most popular is probably Three Dragon Ante from Wizards of the Coast. Recently I purchase several games from Looney Labs and we have been trying them out. We have Fluxx for years and I bought a single set of Treehouse a while back. My recent purchase included additional Treehouse sets and some other accessories so that we could play other games. Treehouse was born out of a game called Icehouse. There is even an Icehouse Wiki that has different games that can be played with the Treehouse pieces. Thus far we have played Martian Coasters, Volcano, and Ice Towers.

2006-06-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

It has been two weeks since I posted the pictures of my pumpkin plants. They are growing quite well. I need to get up earlier in the mornings to water the plants to keep them growing well. I have read that pumpkins need a lot of water, especially once the fruit starts growing. I am disappointed that the marigolds never sprouted. I think the seeds were too old. Unfortunately my camera battery ran out while I was taking the pictures and I only got a couple so I am posting what I have even though they aren't the greatest.

Speaking of cameras, a friend of mine recently purchased a digital SLR. I can't remember exactly which model is was, but it is one of the new Canons. He has taken some really good pictures. The following link is to some pictures he took at a local golf tournament: Golf Pictures. If you look closely, you can even see the tee suspended in the air in a couple of shots. This link is some pictures taken at a rodeo camp. A fellow co-worker's son was at the camp. He is the one falling off the bull and hitting the ground: Rodeo Pictures. I am very jealous of the camera. I would like to have a digital SLR to take pictures at the dance club. We have showcases twice a year where students have an opportunity to show off a little and my little Sony DSC S85 just doesn't measure up to the low light and quick movements.

I am also very excited that I received a package the other day that had Artoo Potatu in it. I already have Darth Tater and the Spudtrooper. I have them at my desk at work and everyone who stops by has to pick them up. I also took my SpongeBob and Batman Legos to work and have them on a shelf. So far no one has noticed, but they aren't exactly in the most visible location.

Yes Brain, but if our knees bent the other way, how would we ride a bicycle?
--Pinky from Pinky and the Brain

2006-06-04T21:10:00.000-05:00

Every year some friends and I get tickets to the Theatre in the Park and last night was when we saw the first performance of the season. The show was The King and I. It was done well, but honestly, I am not that fond of the show. But as I tell other friends, it is more about the fun of the evening and not the show itself. We get together to wait in line around 6:00 PM. With our tickets we get in around 6:20 PM and then we set up our blankets and chairs, eat the food we brought, and play games until the show starts around 8:30 PM. The shows are always good, and sometimes they are great. The main thing is that we are supporting the arts in the community. I would suggest everyone take some time to enjoy a local production of some kind.

I enjoyed the evening, but I was embarrassed when there was a scenery malfunction and some of the people I was with started laughing pretty loudly. I mean it is amateur performance, what do they expect.

When I got there, I could not find the parking space I had purchased last fall in the silent auction a the awards ceremony. It is kind of cool that they have their own awards ceremony. We have gone the last couple of years, but last year I actually participated in the silent auction and I bought a parking space. My friends gave me a hard time because parking is free and I basically bought a free parking space, but I am supporting The Theatre in the Park, so it doesn't bother me. Anyway, I couldn't find my space because the signs they had made kept blowing over. Eventually my friends found it for me. It was kind of neat having the space with my name even thought it wasn't really that great of a space.

Today was another game day. We had a good day battling beasts and such. Being a low level wizard kind of sucks, but it will be great after a few more levels. There was a lot more action today then we have had in the past several sessions. Since we aren't finished with our quest, the next several should be full of action as well.

The pumpkins are slowly growing and there is no sign of the marigolds yet, but it hasn't even been a week since they were planted. I need to get out and clean my landscape areas. I was walking around the house today and noticed grass in several of my landscape areas and bushes beginning to grow under my deck. I also need to trim up my Rosey Glow Barberry. My trees also could use to be cut back a bit. Maybe I will get to that in the next couple of weeks.

Pumpkins!?!

2006-05-31T20:14:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention that I am actually now a pumpkin grower. Last year I bought a pumpkin for a friend's pumpkin carving party, but I never cut it open. It was sitting in my garage and it started to rot so I stuck in a landscape area behind my house. Early in the spring I tilled the entire area under and mulched it. I have been contemplating what to plant there when I noticed something growing. At first I thought it was weeds and I even pulled a few up.

The stems were rather thick and there was an odd smell . Looking at them, they resembled watermelon seedlings, but they weren't quite right. I was wondering if my neighbors' kids had spit out some kind of melon seed in my yard, when I remembered the pumpkin. I have since thinned it out to about 10 plants, which is still quite a few. I expect I will pull up a few more as they get bigger.

This past weekend I also planted some marigold seeds around the pumpkins to help keep the bugs down. I got the seeds from a friend who had collected them from some plants she had a couple of years ago, so I am not 100% sure they will actually germinate and grow. Luckily it has been raining on and off the last several days. That should really help the seeds get started. I guess I need to take some pictures and post them.

Now I am really looking forward to the fall.

2006-05-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

It has been way too long since I have posted anything. My computer overheated a while back while doing some computations for the BBC Weather Experiment. I have been letting my computer participate in the several BOINC experiments. It started many years ago when I participated in the SETI at Home experiment where some researchers created a screen saver that would download blocks of data from the SETI server, process the data when the screen saver was running, and return the result to SETI at Home. It is distributed computing at its best. The website has more information.

Anyhow when my computer overheated a couple of key Windows files were corrupted and now my PC acts unpredictably at times. I have tried many things to fix it, but I can't find my original XP CDs to just restore the entire Windows image. I stumble along for now and I am contemplating purchasing a new computer. I really want one with Windows Media edition so that I can use it as a DVR. Some friends of mine are trying to convince me to go Apple. In the 80's my college roommate had an Apple IIc and I was quite fond of it, but once I got my hands on an IBM clone I was hooked. I even resisted Windows at first, but eventually I succumbed.

Anyhow, I ended up buying a new Sony PS/2 and the Lego Star Wars: The Video Game. I really enjoyed the game. It took me about a month to go through it all. For a children's game I was thoroughly hooked. I went up to Nebraska for sister's 50th birthday and I played the game a while with my 6 year old nephew on his Gamecube. We had a lot of fun, but I realized what one of my friends had been complaining about with his son. They just wanted to run around and kill things. In the game you need to collect studs and canisters and sometimes they require a little patience to get. There is a sequel coming out called Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy. I have only seen it on shop.starwars.com, but I have seen announcements in other locations. It is definitely something I am planning to get. It's release is scheduled to coincide with the release of the unaltered original trilogy on DVD--you know, the one where Han shot first.

Also, my current DND character is doing fine. We have successfully reached 2nd level and I am on my way to 3rd. The campaign is being documented somewhat at http://homecampaign.forumsplace.com/index.html. My character is Anthirath Rumthar and I made the mistake in following the GM's instructions to create family information which he has used against me. The party has killed by brother who was selling my people as slaves and has helped me raise the money to buy my sister back from a local noble. She was of course sold by my misguided and now dead brother.

I would complain about work, but no one wants to hear that so I will end it here.

2006-04-01T20:22:00.000-06:00

April Fools!!!

2006-03-31T20:06:00.000-06:00

I am really curious where the world is heading. As I look at what is happening around me, I just can't seem to put my hands around it. A friend of mine was asking the other day what his kids will do for jobs in 15-20 years. With offshoring being the "big" thing, what will be available for his kids and even what will he be doing. IBM announced a little while back that they are offshoring one of their divisions 100% to India. I just don't see this working. Sometimes I can understand the idea of corporations cutting their costs to be more effective, but I don't see why the US government would support this. It sends jobs out of the country reducing the tax basis and it could put additional strain on the unemployment system. When send money out of the country in hopes that those who receive it will spend more on US goods and services--but does it really happen. I work with people in India and in Brazil and none of those people seem to want US manaufactured goods. When some of the Indians on the team came to the US, they did buy a lot of electronics made in the far east, but only a few of the team was able to come over. It is too expensive to have Indians come to the states, it is far more cost effective to send Americans to India. This is also true with Brazil.

I am just not getting the benefit of a global economy and it kind of scares me that the corporations are creating and controlling the global economy. With the PACs and all, it even seems like the corporations are controlling the government to get what they want which is not always what is best for the American people, in my opinion.

We have seen so many things go to cheaper locations acroos the globe. At first it was manufacturing. We were told these were mindless tasks that could be performed cheaper in other locations freeing the Americans to do more creative functions. But now they are outsourcing IT. At first it was the monotonous coding parts and the coprorations created coding factories along the lines of manufacturing. Now it is the creative pieces of analysis and design that were supposed to be reserved for Americans. Now I am hearing about medical advances to allow doctors in other countries to diagnose problems. There was even a story about students in the US getting academic tutoring over the web from tutors in India.

Where does it end and where does it leave those of us in the US? What will happen to the American dream when no jobs are available in the US?

2006-03-27T20:15:00.000-06:00

I still have the iPod and I am actually enjoying it. I am not sure how I am going to fill up the 60GB. My computer doesn't have that much available storage to have a copy of what is on the iPod. I found a kind of cool video podcast called Brickmovie. It has short films made with Legos. Some of them are better than others.

One of the things I had ordered from Lego was the Star Wars video game for the PC. Unfortunately, my computer wouldn't play it. I tried my work computer and was finally able to get it to load using some thrid party software that emulated the pixel shader functionality that is on a lot of the newer video cards made for gaming. It had some problems with slow down and since it was my work computer I ended up uninstalling it. Since then I have been thinking about buiying a used Gamecube or PS2 to play the game.

The new DND campaign is going well so far. We really haven't done that much yet, but we have are all still alive. I am playing an elf wizard which is new for me. I generally play a rogue or cleric. I also often seem to play a halfing or gnome or something kind of small. It is challenging to play a wizard. With the cleric I just picked what spells I wanted to pray for, for a wizard I have to choose wisely since I can only use those spells in my spellbook. There are some really cool spells in Races of the Dragon, namely Power Word Pain. I need to get a copy of the book, so that I can use the spell.

Work has been disappointing at best. I struggle to stay awake most of the time. I think I might really be depressed this time. I just can't seem to stay focussed. I am trying to get more involved in the project, but it is really hard to work on something you just don't believe in.

2006-02-27T21:59:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was the ten year anniversary of my brother's death. I spent the day playing DND with some friends. It is a new campaign set in the Forgotten Realms. My character is a sun elf wizard from Evermeet. We have just started so I don't really have much more to say, but I am thinking of putting together a blog for my character. Anyhow, it is hard to believe it has been ten years, but then I look at my nephew and niece and see how they have grown. I guess it still depresses me somewhat.

It has been a rough month so far. I spent the last two weeks in Plano, TX for work. I have to say, I am not sure it was worth the money to send me down there. I think they are trying to get me to care about the project, but the program manager keeps thwarting their effort. It didn't help being stuck without a car. There were four of us sharing a car. I did get the car most of the week end, but I didn't go hardly anywhere. I mostly stayed in the hotel and watched TV. BBC America was having something of a Footballers' Wives marathon and I must have watched 6 or seven episodes. It kind of got me hooked. It comes on Sunday Night and I have watched it the last couple of Sundays. I'll have to see if I continue to watch much longer.

Also, I haven't had a dance lesson in four weeks due to a variety of reasons. In the end I had gained several pounds since dancing is really the only exercise I get. The trip to Texas didn't help either. I went to the Saturday Social on Saturday, but I didn't dance much. We actually tend to socialize more at the social than dance. I really needed the exercise, but it was easier to sit and chat.

During the trip I actually bought an iPod. I am not sure if I am going to like it or not, but I did buy an episode of Monk for the plane trip home from Texas. It was kind of cool. There aren't that many TV shows available on iTunes and I don't travel as much as I used to, so I still wonder if it is worth it. I also ordered a bunch of Legos from lego.com. One of the items I ordered is the Lego Star Wars: The Video Game. Unfortunately it requires an nVidia graphics card and I don't have one. I wanted the game after I played it with my nephew when I went up to my sister's house for her nurse pinning. Now, I feel like I should have bought a used Game Cube or something. The video game was $30.00 and the game pad I bought was $20.00, and now I want to buy a game system that will let me play the game. I should return the game and the gamepad, but I probably won't. I am so bad about returning stuff.

Until the next time.

2006-02-07T21:56:00.000-06:00

My parents were here this weekend. They drove up Thursday and Friday and then we drove to Omaha on Saturday for a commissioning ceremony. She is in a nursing program and now that she is starting the next phase of the program. It was a nice little ceremony, but my sister wasn't all that excited. She will be more exciting when the actual pinning ceremony occurs and she is fully commissioned as a nurse. We came back to my house after the ceremony on Sunday and then my parents left for home on Monday morning.

I was quite surprised that my parents made such a long trip over such a short period. It was nice to see them and my sister and her family as well. My parents were kind of different this time. They didn't want to run around and do a bunch of stuff, they just relaxed. Mom even let me do all the cooking at breakfast both Saturday and Monday. I think the trip took more of a toll on them then they let on.

They weirdest part was that we watched the last of the SuperBowl when we got home Sunday. We never really watched any sports when I was growing up and Dad never talked about sports that I can recollect. Mom's family is from Washington state, so she was rooting for the Seahawks. It was so funny to listen to Mom armchair quarterback. She was so disappointed when they lost. She called her sister in Washington to discuss all the issues with the game. I just couldn't get over it.

On a different note, we played D&D a couple of Sundays back and the DM killed us all. It was pretty horrible. After we killed the zombie troglodytes and the minotaur, the evil cleric raised the minotaur who basically took the rest of the party out. We rolled up new characters and we will start a new party in the Forgotten Realms on Sunday. I am somewhat excited about playing a new character after I got over the death of the Gareth Oldrich. Hopefully I will have some time to post about the game.

On a work related note, I have to go to Plano for two weeks on Sunday. I will need to leave the game a little early to make my flight. I really don't want to go on the trip, but I really don't have many options. The more changes the executives make to the company, the more I wonder if my job is the right one for me. I used to enjoy my job, but the last several years it has been pure drudgery. I wish I had the energy and the drive to get a new job. I just don't know what I want to do. I don't think I want to be in IT any more. But I make good money and I am not sure I could get the same money at a new career. Maybe someday I will let go of the material things and go for a lower paying job that I enjoy. If such a thing exists...

2006-01-17T21:29:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in a while, because I have been having problems with the site. I would get probably 3/4 way through what I wanted to say and I would get an error from Internet Explorer. I am still not sure what the deal was or is, but I continue to try yo post something every now and again. I had updated a few things lately, so I am hopeful that this time it will work--not that anybody is really reading this.

Any how the holidays weren't too bad. I went to my parents for Christmas and 4 of my other siblings showed up with their families. Also, my older brother’s kids showed up on Christmas day. It was pretty fun. I did upset my mother, though. My parents' house is very cluttered. I asked my mother one day if she would have a problem if several of us kids showed up and helped them clean up the clutter and maybe get rid of some stuff. Just so everyone knows my mother had given my nephew and old set of dishes and a bunch of Smurf glasses that were in their cabinets--I thought she was ready to get rid some of the stuff. So, I ask her if she would have a problem with us cleaning a little, and her eyes get watery and she asks, "are you putting me in a home?" I did not know what to do at this point. She and Dad are not that old and they are doing just fine, so I have no idea where this came from. My sister who lives in town evidently has told Mom that if something were to happen to her, my sister could not quit her job to take care of Mom and so she would have to put Mom in a home. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I do know my sister can sound very mean at time even though she doesn’t mean to be. She is a high school home economics teacher and uses her teacher voice a lot. I am still not sure if Mom would want ot come help clean up her house.

The new year has been pretty boring so far. In fact yesterday and today I have felt so listless and lackluster. I would be more worried, but several of my co-workers were feeling exactly the same way. With the dry air, my sinuses have been going crazy--I am all stuffed up complete with sinus headaches.

I hope things go better as time goes on.

2005-11-28T18:49:00.000-06:00

I had a pretty nice Thanksgiving. I went up to my sister's in Omaha. I left Thursday morning and drove 3 hours to get there. The drive was much nicer in my car than it used to be in the Tracker. The cruise control works, there is less wind noise, and I don't get blown all over the road. Dinner was great--my brother-in-law smoked the turkey and my sister made some excellent side dishes. I think she went a little overboard on the marshmallows in the sweet potatoes. She also made pumpkin pie from real pumpkin with ice cream in it. It was very smooth.

Friday morning--not real early mind you--we went to Furniture Mart to see what specials they had. I ended up buying a toaster oven for $15. It normally runs about $40. My sister bought one as well. She bought a lot of stuff. I actually ended up buying a new dining room table. It is not an expensive one, but with the table fully extended it measures 54" x 54". I think the square table is kind of cool. I also got 4 chairs and a bench seat. I have some friends that come over every year and make a gingerbread house and open gifts--and they keep having kids. My current table only seats 4 comfortably and when having bee squeezing 3 adults and 2 kids around it. This year there will be an additional kid and their baby will bring it to 4 kids when she gets old enough to sit at the table. It doesn't get delivered for another week, but I am kind of excited.

I have been buying quite a few Christmas presents already. I already purchased and wrapped the gifts for my sister's kids and left them there when I went up for Thanksgiving. I have bought most of the gifts for my friend's family. I have half of my niece's family. I know what I want to get my nephew's family and then I have 2 nephews and 3 niece's left. I have the gift for the sister I am supposed to buy for this year. My parents are the hard ones. One of my other sister's husband suggested we paint Mom and Dad's house. They have a brick house, but the trim and the accents need to be painted. I had several of my sisters call me about it. Everyone is a little uneasy about it. I need to call my little brother and ask him what he thinks. He lives closer to them and has seen the house recently. My sister who lives in town with my parents said that the last time it was painted, they did not remove the gutters and so when the gutters came down the wood was basically bare. I am still not sure why they took the gutters down. Anyhow, they are my dilemma.

I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year. I need to book my flights, but I am going to my parents as usual, but instead of just the one sister being there, my sister in Georgia and her family should be there as well as my little brother. My baby sister and her family will be there on Christmas day. Since there will be 5 of us there, that is more than half. I am just not sure when my little brother's daughter will be there. She is spending a good bit of the holiday with her mother. It would be more exciting if more of my nephews and nieces could be there with their families, but the youngest nephew will be there and that will be a lot of fun.

The weather is getting cold and we even got a dusting of snow this evening. I had originally planned to drive the Tracker in weather like this, but I let a friend borrow it because he is having problems with his truck. I am just not sure that I would actually want to drive it. With the Tracker being so light, it gets blown all over the road in inclement weather. Also, the top is loose so there is a lot of wind noise and you actually get a draught. I just don't really want to drive my car in the salt, plus it has 4 wheel drive.

I need to get some work done. Things at work seem to be moving along as planned, but I have to keep on top of everything.

2005-11-22T22:09:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I have posted anything because my computer keeps giving me an error every time the browser tries to open a new window. It really sucks. I try every now and again to post something and when it doesn't work, I just stop.

We have been playing a lot of Fluxx, some Gloom and some Bang. I really enjoy playing games. This past week end I went to some of my dance friends house for a dirty shirt party. The idea was to wear a dirty shirt--either literally or figuratively. There were quite a few very interesting shirts. Mine basically was an advertisement for Derty Hoes--Every Man Needs a Derty Hoe. Anyhow, we played Skip-Bo and Catch Phrase. Catch Phrase is a really good party game because it can be played with just about any number of people and it is just a lot of fun. You split up into two teams and you sit in a circle with every other person being on the same team. One player looks at the word on the disk and tries to get one of their team members to guess the word. Once the word is correctly guessed, the disk is passed to the next player who clicks to the next word and tries to get their team to guess the word. There is a timer and when the timer buzzes the team not holding the disk gets a point and has the option to guess the current word. If they guess correctly, they will get a second point. The first team to get to a specified number of points wins. I don't remember the number of points you need to have. We generally play girls against the guys when we play. Everybody had a great time with it on Saturday.

With the holidays coming up, I have been trying to determine what to get the multitude of people for Christmas. Meanwhile everyone keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. I really want a plasma TV with built in DVD player for the basement to replace the TV that went out, but I would never expect anyone to spend that kind of money. It seems like everything I need, I just go get and most of the things I want are much better remaining things to want instead of things to have. A friend of mine did not understand that until he thought about his wife and how she likes the idea of getting things, but doesn't really appreciate having them. I think there is a lot that I like the idea of having, but if I actually had any of them they would just sit somewhere unappreciated.

As for what to get people, I have a closet full of Darth Taters and Spud Troopers for some of my nephews and great nephews. Unfortunately, they are too young for all the Legos in the closet. I don't know why I buy all these things. I have tubs of Legos and I have a lot of the Star Wars Legos. When they first came out, I thought it would smart to buy duplicate copies of the sets and save them for later and sell them to collectors. I am no longer betting on the collector market, but I have a bunch of stuff just taking up space. I figure eventually I will be able to give them as gifts.

Anyhow, I hope everybody has a happy and safe Thanksgiving.

2005-11-07T22:10:00.000-06:00

I did not go to the World Wide Dungeons and Dragons Game Day. Instead I go together with my gaming friends and we played our current campaign on Saturday. Evidently the official WWDNDGD stuff did not arrive at my friend's mom's store in Manhattan, so he stayed in town and we gamed at his house. I feel kind of bad. I had somewhat harassed the local game store owner (Table Top Games) about having some sort of activity that day--and then I didn't go. It was nice to play the other game though. We actually seemed to make a lot of progress. My character leveled up and he is now a multi-classed Rogue/Fighter.

Speaking of games, we finally played Gloom by Atlas Games--they also make Lunch Money. I really enjoyed the game. I had bought from the local gaming store before Halloween at the same time I bought Fluxx by Looney Labs. We had been playing Fluxx a lot lately. It is a very fast paced and simple game. It is also a lot of fun. Gloom actually fits my mood a little better. The goal of the game is to get the least pathos points on your dead family members when any player loses the last member of their family. You play modifiers with either negative or positive pathos points on family members, you can play events to do special things, or you can have your family member have an untimely death. The text on the cards is funny and it is so cool that the cards are transparent.

I was so excited when I got home tonight, my copy of the Firefly soundtrack had arrived from Amazon.com. Unfortunately I need to be heading to bed, so I didn't play it yet. I plan to listen to it tomorrow on the way to work.

You can't take the sky from me.

2005-11-01T20:52:00.000-06:00

For some reason I feel the need to post on the blog here, even though there really isn't anything to say. I only had one dance lesson tonight because my instructor wasn't feeling well. She did mention that she wants me to see the judge this week, which means she wants me to buy more lessons. I already bought some this year and I told her I wasn't buying any more. She knows I mean it when I say I won't buy any more, but she hopes that I won't be able to say that to her manager who actually handles all that part.

I am somewhat excited that this weekend is World Wide D&D Game day. Of course, I think I have said that already. I am still trying to decide if I will go to Manhattan, KS with some friends or if I will stay in town and go to my local game store. If I don't go to Manhattan, it will save me a lot of time and I get to do things on my schedule. I just need to decide before Saturday.

2005-10-30T17:47:00.000-06:00

Here I am, reneging on my promise--there will be no pumpkin pictures. I went to the Pumpkin Carvin' party last night, but I ended up not carving a pumpkin--nor did I take many pictures. I spent quite a bit of time searching for a pumpkin, but once I was at the party there really wasn't the space and time to carve it. There were a lot of kids at the party and as they have grown older, it is really more about the kids. Not having any kids myself, it is a little depressing for everything to change in that direction. It is great for all the others though, and I can't say that I would change anything. This now makes the second year I haven't carved a pumpkin. Last year I was working on a implementation of a project and had been up for 48 hours by the time I got to the party. Not only was I late to the party, but I didn't even have a pumpkin. I was worried that I was so tired that I might hurt myself. I generally use sharp tools to carve away the skin instead of using the kid friendly saws in the kits you buy.

Yesterday I saw on the internet that Dremel had come out with a pumpkin carving kit and I went to my local Lowe's and Ace hardware looking for one, but they have been sold out for days. It looks like it is impossible to find at this point. I already have a Dremel and if I could only find out which bit they are using, I bet mine would work just fine. I am not sure if I will ever try it though. Who knows what will happen next year. I could have carved the pumpkin I bought today, but I had so much stuff to do and I wasn't prepared to spend an hour or so carving. As a matter of fact, I shouldn't be typing this in. I really should be working on work stuff.

I think I might be experiencing a bit of depression. I just seem so tired all the time and it is so hard to get out of bed in the morning. Even at work it is a struggle to get anything done. Somehow I will get through it, but man it is hard. So, on we go, trudging through the days. The good news is that my friend's were planning to have their daughter baptized on Nov. 4, but things did not go well and now that weekend is open for me again. November 4 is World Wide D&D Game Day--and now I can participate. I am excited about that at least.

2005-10-29T16:32:00.000-05:00

I am waiting for my cake to finish baking for the Pumpkin Carvin' party this evening. I am making something called Apple Spice Trifle--it requires a spice cake to start. Good thing it is easy to make a box cake. Once the cake is finished and it cools, it gets layered between a cream cheese apple mixture. It actually tastes pretty good.

I still need to go find a pumpkin to carve. Normally I would stop at a church on my way to my friends' house, but they moved this summer and now the church is not on the way. I hate picking out a pumpkin--I don't know why though. I may stop at a grocery store, but I worry that they won't have anything good at this point.

The cake is now cooling and all that I need to add to the apple cream cheese mixture is the non-dairy whipped topping which I will do right before I start layering. The recipe actually calls for Stouffer's Scalloped Apples and normally I can't find them so I substitute apple pie filling which doesn't have as many apple pieces. I actually found the Stouffer's Apples this time and I am anxious to see how it tastes.

Back to the pumpkin carving. Over the last several years I have started just peeling away the skin of the pumpkin instead of cutting through the wall of the pumpkin. I found some patterns on the 'net that use both carving the skin and cutting through the pumpkin to create more depth in the picture. I am not sure if I am going to try one of them this year though. There is a really cool one of Sauron from Lord of the Rings, but I am not sure most people would actually see it. There is also one of Gollum that I think is kind of cool.

I will definitely be posting a picture or two from the Pumpkin Carvin' this evening.

2005-10-27T21:07:00.000-05:00

It has been a long week already. Over the weekend I filled in holes around the yard. It took longer than I had expected. First I had to rake the first fall of leaves and then I sprayed the entire yard with this "Earthwise" product that is supposed help break up the clay in my yard. Then I mixed topsoil with some lime (again to break up the clay) and some cayenne and black pepper. The pepper is supposed to help keep unwanted varmits out of my yard. I had a problem with voles earlier in the season--that is actually where many of the holes came from. I turned on the sprinkler system after I was finish and of course, then it rained. It was good that it rained because the "Earthwise" stuff needed to be watered in anyway.

After all that I went looking for something to wear to Grandma's funeral. My sister and my mother called to tell me I would be a pall bearer--my younger brother would be one as well. My brother called me to ask me to bring a coat for him to wear. Unfortunately, my suits don't fit well any more. Saturday night I went all over town to several stores looking for something suitable. Eventually I bought a complete outfit at Kohl's. It was fairly late by the time I got home. The pants were too long and the coat was a little tight, but I figured I would work it out.

Sunday was game day. I went over to a friends and played Dungeons and Dragons. I have been trying to document our game on another blog (Gareth Oldrich in Ados). I am behind in updating the information. Sunday night I did laundry and packed.

I had to get up a 3:00 AM to get ready and catch my 6:00 AM flight to Seattle. The plane ride was actually not bad. I waited for my older sister's plane to get in (about an hour) and then we picked up the rental car and drove to Wenatchee. I was kind of concerned about the drive since I don't really know this particular sister very well. I actually have problems knowing what to talk about with any of my sisters. I usually just let them talk and I listen. It was a good conversation and a good trip. Before I knew it, it was 2 1/2 hours later and we were at our destination. The return trip on Wednesday was just as pleasant.

The funeral on Tuesday was actually quite pleasant as well. I was a little concerned when very few people showed up for the viewing on Monday night. One of my cousins showed up with a couple of my second cousins. My mom's sister and my mom have been estranged for most of my life that I can remember. When Grandma started having problems they were forced to start dealing with each other again. Over the last ten years they have developed a more tolerant relationship. The main point is that growing up we never visited my aunt and I never really got to know my cousins or their families. It was very strange to be in a room with all these relations and have no idea who they were. My aunt's family also has a hard time with death. One of my cousins had a son killed not too long ago by a circus wagon. Her whole family worked at this children's circus over the summer. Her son had not wanted to do it this year, but they pushed him into it. One day as they were unloading something, the wagon toppled over and crushed him. Since they all have lived in the same town together, it was devastating to all of them. Evidently, during a viewing or something, the mortician came out and moved the body and a huge bubble of liquid move around in his neck--they were all very disturbed by this.

Anyhow, most of them did not want to see Grandma lying in the casket. It is weird, but in Washington, they open the casket at the end of the funeral for everyone to get one last look. Most of my aunt's family--including my aunt--left before the casket was re-opened. It was a very nice day for the ceremony and my brother-in-law who is a Chaplin in the Air Force co-presided over the funeral.

After the funeral we all went to my aunt's house to have some lunch. We spent some time getting to know each other and talking about Grandma. I always feel like I stand out at things like this, but it was a very nice time. After that I went back to the hotel and napped. We went to Applebee's (my mom and my siblings) for dinner and then back to my aunt's house to say goodbye. I spent pretty much all day Wednesday traveling.

One of the best things was that I got to see my youngest nephew. He is so cute even if he looks a little like a chimpanzee. My family is not very tall and my poor nephew is very small. He is so cute though with his red hair.

Unfortunately I had to go back to work today. I should have done more at work today, but it is so overwhelming. I am even further behind now than I was before. There is something wrong with this project that I just can't put my finger on. Part of my problem is that I just joined the project within the last month and everyone else has been around since the beginning. Plus, I am responsible for the major piece of the whole thing.

I am going to a friend's house this weekend for his annual Pumpkin Carving Party. I should have a picture of some pumpkins next time.

Carpe Diem
Seize the Day

2005-10-20T20:41:00.000-05:00

Tuesday night I successfully checked out of my Intermediate Silver II dances. It wasn't nearly as hard as it has been in the past. Normally, my instructor makes me dance each step by myself to prove that I know the step. This time I actually got to dance with my instructor through the checkout. It makes it so much easier. My only problem is my contra-body movement (CBM)--basically turning my top half one way and my bottom half another way. The smooth dances have a lot more CBM than I would have thought when I started out. Being kind of thick in the middle, it is sometimes hard for me to get CBM. My doctor would probably rather I would put more CBM into my dancing to help me exercise the muscles in my mid-section. It is kind of nice to get through the hardest part. Now all that is left is to dance during graduation in front of the judge. The hardest part about that is fitting into my tux.

On a different note, my job still sucks. And I did not win the Powerball--I still have to continue to work. It was so nice to dream about winning 300 million dollars and what I would do with it. Unfortunately, someone in Oregon won. I am happy for that person, but I still wish it was me.

2005-10-17T21:36:00.000-05:00

Wow. It has been awhile since I posted anything. Or at least it seems that way. If anyone is keeping count, I have seen Serenity 5 times now (paid for 3). Saturday night after the social at the dance club, I convinced several people (5 to be exact) to see the movie with me. I think they all enjoyed it. They laughed at all the right parts and even jumped in the right parts. I think it is a testament to the universal appeal of the film when you consider that the average age of the five people was over 50. We saw the movie at 10:40 PM and there were probably 6 or 7 people also in the theater. I thought that was decent considering the time.
The rest of my weekend was pretty full.

Saturday morning I went out to try and get my GEO Tracker moving. It has been parked for quite awhile in my driveway and something rusted together keeping the breaks from disengaging. I am not that mechanically inclined, so none the less I was unable to unstick the stuck thing. I called a friend to give me some advice and he ended up coming down with his two boys. We jacked up the rear driver's side and the wheel spun freely. As we let the car down, it made a pretty loud creaking sound. We then proceeded to jack up the rear passenger side, and that tire spun freely. As we stood around wondering if the front wheels were stuck, I decided to try to move the car. It actually moved. I think we freed up whatever was stuck when we let the car down on the driver's side.

Having freed the Tracker, I thanked my friend as they drove away and then went to the Grass Pad to get some advice on my lawn. My lawn sucks. I have somewhat ignored it for the last six years (since I moved in) and now I am paying for it. At the end of last year I had a sprinkler system put in, but the damage had already been done. One of the problems was that I had voles. These are little nocturnal mice that eat the roots of plants. Unlike moles who raise the ground, voles actually leave little paths on top of the ground. I have fairly deep ruts in my front yard from these little critters. Anyhow, I bought some stuff to spay on the lawn to loosen up the clay and make it agreeable to growing grass. I also bought 50 lbs of grass seed. After that I went to Lowe's and bought some equipment to fix my lawn: broadcast spreader, shovel, dirt, mulch fork. I still haven't done anything. I am a real procrastinator.

On Sunday, I found out that my maternal grandmother had passed away. I can't say that I wasn't expecting it. She has been in a nursing home for about 10 years and for the last month her body had been slowly shutting down. It was similar to what we saw when my paternal grandmother passed away. She stopped eating, she wasn't fully digesting anything she was taking. Several of my sisters had even flown out to Washington state to see before she passed away. They were in Washington when it happened. They had left for the evening and Grandma passed away a couple of hours later. I personally think she finally let herself leave once she saw them and knew it would be OK. Due to several reasons, her funeral won't be until next week. I have not received so many calls from my sisters as I did this week end. All of them seeming to complain about the others. My younger brother is actually using some of his frequent flyer miles so that he and my other two sisters can be there for the funeral. I have made my own arrangements. When my family gets together it is not always a good thing. They usually do pretty well for events like funerals and weddings. I just have to have a little hope.

Late Sunday afternoon was our Home Owner's Association meeting. It was quite interesting. It has been awhile since I have attended one. I saw my neighbors (who I do know) and many people that I don't. Some of the houses have changed since I was last at a meeting. There were some really young people there. They were probably early to mid-twenties. That really isn't that young, but when you are pushing 40 it sure seems like it. Anyhow, one of these young people is now the HOA president and my neighbor is concerned there will be a lot of drunkfest type parties. Most of the people that live around me are older with older kids and I know they wouldn't want that type of thing. It will be interesting as time goes by.

Intaminatis fulget honoribus
Untarnished, she shines with honor
--Wofford College motto

2005-10-12T20:03:00.000-05:00

I really dislike this new project I am on. I am now stuck in a tech lead role which makes me more than an individual performer, but does not put me in charge--which is where I usually fall. When I was assigned the project my manager said he wanted me to get more technical experience with the tools being used. Unfortunately, I have worked with the lead architect and the requirements manager for a long period of time and they both are trying to pull me into their world. Normally, I wouldn't mind so much, but the project is well under way and I am new to the project and in a lead role. I need to be spending my time getting up to speed and creating order out of chaos.

As I said, the project has been going on for at least 4 or 5 months and I have been on the project approximately two weeks. In the two weeks since I joined, it has been determined that we need to go back and create high level process flow documents and the entire team is being reorganized into functional teams to fix some problems. There are numerous communications problems and no one seems to know what the other is doing and no one has control over the entire solution. I have been moved from an individual contributor role to a functional team lead role. I now have to figure out what my team needs to be focused on, determine what everyone is currently doing, and work a miracle with organization--all without missing any of the original delivery dates. The good news is that I actually have experience making this work as opposed to most of the other leads who are not usually in this sort of role. If I could keep the requirements manager and the architect off my back, it would be much easier.

Aside from all that, this project is requiring a lot of time and has an awful lot of meetings--something I am hoping to change. What this means is that I have not been able to play games with some friends either during lunch or after work. That part really sucks. It is kind of sad that the main reason I go to work is for the game playing. A good friend of mine actually was able to stay late tonight to play games and I was on the phone the entire time.

Also, what I forgot to mention is that there are a couple of sales pursuits that I was working on that are still requiring some of my time. Right now, I really need to be working on a cost model to separate the resources costs out by development phase so the salesman can try to align the potential client's payment with the actual costs incurred. I have to admit that I don't understand what he is doing, but it is definitely causing me more work.

Maybe I will win the Powerball tonight. Maybe...

2005-10-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight was dance night. I have been taking ballroom dance lessons for over 5 years and I really do enjoy it. My problem tonight is that my instructor is trying to get me through the upcoming graduation. I have twelve dances that I work on and I am trying to graduate out of the Intermediate Siler II level in my secondary dances. I have 6 primary dances--waltz, foxtrot, tango, rhumba, east coast swing, and cha cha. My 6 secondary dances are west coast swing, bolero, Viennese waltz, quickstep, samba, and mambo. I happened to prefer the smooth dances over the rhythm (or latin dances). My favorites tend to be waltz and foxtrot, although I really enjoy Viennese waltz and quickstep.

Back to the checkout--we were working on the west coast patterns and I was just having all kinds of problems remembering the steps. I always dread the checkout part. You have to walk through the steps by yourself without a partner. All the women say it must be easier for us men because we have to lead the pattern all the time, so walking through it should be a piece of cake. The reality is that when you are used to the woman being there and you use the woman's location as a key to know what to do. When I walk through the pattern, I have a hard time pretending a woman is in the empty spot and I don't have her weight or her motion to help me continue through the step. When you are so used to a connection with a partner, it is hard to dance without that connection. In the end, I still need to practice the balboa kicks, but I think I know the steps.

I managed to get thought the samba steps without too much difficulty and the struggles with west coast took more time than I would have liked, but I did get to dance a couple of waltzes and I even managed to get through a couple of Viennese waltz steps. I would have liked to have gotten to quickstep, though. I feel like we have been ignoring quickstep and I am uncomfortable with that. Part of the problem is that quickstep is an advanced dance and most people don't have it on their program. What that means is during the lesson, quickstep music is not played often. You can sometimes dance quickstep to an east coast swing, but if everyone is dancing on the edge of the floor instead of moving to the center like they are supposed to, then it is still very difficult. I can't concentrate on the steps if I am constantly maneuvering around other people. I know I shouldn't complain so much, but it is still frustrating.

The graduation ceremony is the first Friday in November so I have until then to get these things in order or I have to wait until Spring. My instructor will deinitely not be happy if I wait until Spring.

2005-10-10T20:20:00.000-05:00

You know how they say "the cobbler's children have no shoes", there seems to be way too much truth in it. I work for a large Information Technology company and was recently assigned to an internal project. I joined the project in flight and I am very scared. The project has high visibility and a very tight time frame. Worse, we have processes to manage projects and it seems the team is only vaguely aware of these. I have been working with the sales team for the past several years and we constantly are raving about our world class processes. It is very disappointing to find that these processes are ignored for an internal project. The even more disappointing thing is that the design for the solution seems to take a next generation tool and creates a legacy product. I feel really frustrated with the leadership team, as they don't seem to understand the situation. Since the project is replacing a legacy product, no one has taken the time to discuss next generation concepts with the business team who have provided the requirements. Since they so not know better they are creating legacy type requirements and the project team is unable to translate into something more.

The other frustration I have is with a diverse and disperse team. I understand the value of diversity, and I do believe with diversity you can get a "whole is greater than the sum if it parts" kind of thing going on. But it takes work to make it happen, just throwing diverse people together does not make synergy. It takes an understanding of the cultures and the ability to create a team culture that melds the individuals into a team. I have spent some time working with individuals from India, and it truly is a fascinating culture. Still, it can be very challenging in a team with Indian members. Indians have a different view on life and family that bleeds over into their work lives. I did not realize that very often there are multiple generations of a family living together with a patriarch who makes the important decisions. As Americans we are often pushed out of the family home early in life and forced to make decisions on our own, where many Indians are not. Quite the opposite, they have great respect for their elders and look to them for important decisions. In the workplace, they are often hierarchical and look to the leadership team to make the decisions. For the last ten years, we have been trying to empower the employee to make more decisions and to take ownership. This is still a new concept to the Indian worker. Perhaps some of this is leftover from the caste system, but until we acknowledge these differences and deal with them, diverse teams will not reach their potential.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

2005-10-08T21:50:00.000-05:00

Serenity for the fourth time was still just as good. It was even in a mediocre theater. I paid particular attention to the music after having listened to the soundtrack. I still think there are a couple of pieces of music that should have been on the soundtrack, but without some of the movie sounds, the music lacks. The more I see the movie, the more I feel it is a very well done piece of cinematography. I love the story line. I feel for and with the characters. And I feel the coldness of space and the warmth of Serenity (the ship). One of the strongest emotional parts is when the crew has to deal with the captain turning the ship, their home, into a Reaver abomination. There are definitely a few scenes with a much more overt emotional price, but the emotional conflict from the time the Operative says "You're not a Reaver, Mal, you're a human man..." and you see that look of determination come across his face, until his speech about how he is the captain and they either need to do what he says or get off his boat... It is very tense for anyone who has seen the TV series and understands Serenity as the 10th character (in the TV show, Book and Inara were on the ship making a total of nine people). Even the fourth time it was something of an emotional roller coaster. Maybe more so, because when Wash was flying to pick up the mule after the heist, I got a little misty.

In my opinion Serenity is definitely a soon to be classic. While it might not do well in the theaters, it will always have a following. Its classic themes and likeable characters, and the battles of sorta good versus mostly bad all contribute to a movie that could be enjoyed by a wide range of people. If only those people knew that they should go see it.

Si monumentum requiris circumspice
"If you seek his monument, look around"
--epitaph of Sir Christopher Wren

2005-10-06T23:03:00.000-05:00

I bought the Serenity soundtrack on Tuesday evening. Unfortunately, I was unable to post to the blog until today. I am not one who normally buys soundtracks, especially one with only instrumental music. Now I have a decent collection of classical music, but movie soundtracks are a different animal.

I like the soundtrack, but much like many others, I was disappointed that the instrumental version of the Firefly theme played at the end of the credits is not there. I am not sure if there was some sort of music rights issue or if they were just waiting to put it on the Firefly soundtrack due out later in October.

The music was not as moving on my car stereo as it was in the theater. It seems like the themes in the music change too quickly. I guess the movie moved pretty fast, but I think the soundtrack cuts up the themes a bit. For some reason I find it very reminiscent of LOTR:Return of the King. I hear the same kind of haunting solitude in the themes. It rings out quite a bit in the more somber themes in Serenity. While listening to the music I had pictures of Aragorn looking very solemn come to mind. The soundtrack is definitely something to be listened to at home on the stereo--the softer themes are lost in the car.

"She's tore up plenty, but she'll fly true." Zoe in Serenity

2005-10-03T20:58:00.000-05:00

I saw Serenity again Friday night with several other friends. Because 1 person couldn't make it to an earlier movie we went to the 9:50 showing. We stayed at work and played games until we headed to the theater. The game of choice was Bang! from DaVinci games. Several of us have been playing it a lot lately so the games can be fairly quick. The part I hate is where some of the other guys are always trying to tell the rest of us how to play. Every time you play a card they tell that they wouldn't have played it that way and then go into a long dissertation about every possible strategy and why they would have chosen their strategy over yours. There are times when I just don't feel like playing because I don't want to deal with that. I really like to play games, but Bang! is an elimination game (players are eliminated until only the Sheriff remains) and I don't really care for elimination games. Some of the other games we have been playing are Oriente, Bohnanza, Totally Renamed Spy Game, Spite and Malice, and of course any version of Munchkin (from Steve Jackson Games).

Anyhow, I saw the movie for a third time and it was late in the evening for me and I didn’t nod off once. I was still kept engaged throughout the entire movie and I stilled jumped when the Reaver pole comes through the Serenity view port. It was still funny in the funny parts and still sad in the sad parts. I can’t wait for a soundtrack. After three times, I am still enthralled by the music. The score just works so well with the cinematography. It works better than in the TV series, which I think is saying a lot. I was a little disappointed that there weren’t more people in the theater, but I heard the estimated take for the weekend was just over $10 million. It is second after Flightplan for the weekend. I think all the Browncoats are a little disappointed in the numbers, but there still seems to be a lot of energy around keeping the movie going. Personal messages from director Joss Whedon on the Browncoat website are keeping spirits up. A lot of us are really hoping for a sequel to the BDM.

"You know what the first rule of flying is?"

"Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughtta fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home."

Malcolm Reynolds, Serenity

2005-09-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

OK. I saw Serenity last night and it was a great movie. I had already seen it once in a prior screening, but the sound was bad and I missed some of the dialogue. Last night everything was clear and it made the movie so much better. I am still very excited 24 hours afterwards. I am hoping to see the movie again this weekend with some friends, if they ever make a decision on when they want to go. I may also try to get my dance friends to go after the Saturday Social.

Unfortunately, I am awful tired from everything. I stayed up too late on Sunday trying to get my house cleaned up for a Serenity shindig on Monday. Then I was up late with the shindig. Last night I went to the movie and then stayed up late writing the review. I have been drinking a lot of Coke to stay awake at work, but it also has been keeping me up at night. I will be glad when the week end comes and I can sleep in. It is really nice that my house is so clean. I feel less stressed when my house is clean. Now I just need to replace the TV in the basement so that I will continue to walk on the treadmill to lose some weight. It is difficult to grow old. Between the weight, the cholesterol, the aches and pains--it just doesn't seem fair. I guess this it the payment for not paying more attention to things when I was younger.

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in the old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal-temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson

PS. The picture is from the Charleston Aquarium in Charleston, South Carolina