I was at a wedding yesterday and I was thinking about my friends. I have a couple of different sets of friends--the dancing friends, the gaming friends, the friends I used to work with, and my friends up north. Sometimes these groups mix, but not very often. I don't mix my dance friends with any other group.

Here's the thing--I was at this wedding for one of my gaming friends son. I walked into the reception and noticed the postage size dance floor--and no one was dancing even though Michael Buble was signing his heart out on CD. This is actually normal for most people, but not for "dance people". The first dance was almost painful to watch. The bride and groom had no rhythm and even managed to make the white man sway look difficult. The rest of the dancing was a lot of spastic movements and jumping up and down. The thing is that they were all having fun--and that is most important thing. I find that I don't always have fun dancing anymore. I danced twice--once in the dollar dance with the bride and once with the groom's mother. I tried to lead them through some basic moves, but it was very difficult. I watched as other people thrash around and realized I become Len Goodman when I am watching people dance. There was definitely not proper hold or footwork anywhere.

When I am not dancing with my dance friends, I find it hard to fit in. They always say they want to play games, but they don't understand the gaming world as my gaming friends do. Their idea of a fun game is Farkel or Mexican Train. When you have choices like Settlers of Catan, & Wonders, and Dominion, Farkle is really boring.

So, the question is how do I meld the two together? Each of my worlds are so different. I honestly don't feel like I really fit into any of the worlds myself. Of course I always feel like an outsider. I was at the wedding and I sat with a couple of friends--not mingling, not dancing, not doing much of anything except singing along to the music. Afterwards, I felt kind of sad and pathetic.

I thought about asking a good friend from my dance group to go to the wedding with me, but I didn't know how and I didn't want her to not like my other friends. I know it is stupid, but I don't want some of my friends to meet because I am afraid they won't like each other, when that won't happen and even if it did, it is not that big of a deal.

Anyhow, now I regret not bringing someone to dance with. I regret not letting my friends meet in an environment that is pretty safe. They say life is too short for regrets, but my life is regret. I keep thinking someday it will be better, but it will only be better once I determine to make it better. We'll see how that works for me.

Step one: agree to go to a birthday party that will definitely put me outside my comfort zone.

I was using this blog for therapeutic reasons, but I haven't been posting lately even though I really should be. I am still enjoying my job, but I seem to have bouts of paranoia. On the weekends I tend to just sit around and do nothing or I do meaningless stuff so that to keep myself busy. I am not exactly sure what I am hiding from, but my avoidance issues are still in full force. This weekend was pretty bad as I ignored two party requests. I really felt uncomfortable about possibly attending either one. I felt like it would take a lot of energy to attend either off them and pretend to have a good time.

Anyhow, at work I am feeling like I am letting my boss down even though I have only been there about five months, I feel like I should be performing better. I have a lot of experience and I should be able to bring it all to bear to solve the issues, but I spend a lot off time second guessing myself. I also have gained a lot of weight since starting the job. I really need to watch what I eat and get some better exercise. I am feeling a little lost in my life and I feel like there is something missing. I know I would feel better if I would clean my house but again I can't seem to do it. At this point out seems insurmountable. It is all just excuses-and I know that logically, but it still doesn't seem to make a difference.



On the plus side I really want to do something I find fun I was looking st some Legos and I really though about piling out an old set or maybe one of the new sets I haven't opened