I was at a wedding yesterday and I was thinking about my friends. I have a couple of different sets of friends--the dancing friends, the gaming friends, the friends I used to work with, and my friends up north. Sometimes these groups mix, but not very often. I don't mix my dance friends with any other group.

Here's the thing--I was at this wedding for one of my gaming friends son. I walked into the reception and noticed the postage size dance floor--and no one was dancing even though Michael Buble was signing his heart out on CD. This is actually normal for most people, but not for "dance people". The first dance was almost painful to watch. The bride and groom had no rhythm and even managed to make the white man sway look difficult. The rest of the dancing was a lot of spastic movements and jumping up and down. The thing is that they were all having fun--and that is most important thing. I find that I don't always have fun dancing anymore. I danced twice--once in the dollar dance with the bride and once with the groom's mother. I tried to lead them through some basic moves, but it was very difficult. I watched as other people thrash around and realized I become Len Goodman when I am watching people dance. There was definitely not proper hold or footwork anywhere.

When I am not dancing with my dance friends, I find it hard to fit in. They always say they want to play games, but they don't understand the gaming world as my gaming friends do. Their idea of a fun game is Farkel or Mexican Train. When you have choices like Settlers of Catan, & Wonders, and Dominion, Farkle is really boring.

So, the question is how do I meld the two together? Each of my worlds are so different. I honestly don't feel like I really fit into any of the worlds myself. Of course I always feel like an outsider. I was at the wedding and I sat with a couple of friends--not mingling, not dancing, not doing much of anything except singing along to the music. Afterwards, I felt kind of sad and pathetic.

I thought about asking a good friend from my dance group to go to the wedding with me, but I didn't know how and I didn't want her to not like my other friends. I know it is stupid, but I don't want some of my friends to meet because I am afraid they won't like each other, when that won't happen and even if it did, it is not that big of a deal.

Anyhow, now I regret not bringing someone to dance with. I regret not letting my friends meet in an environment that is pretty safe. They say life is too short for regrets, but my life is regret. I keep thinking someday it will be better, but it will only be better once I determine to make it better. We'll see how that works for me.

Step one: agree to go to a birthday party that will definitely put me outside my comfort zone.

I was using this blog for therapeutic reasons, but I haven't been posting lately even though I really should be. I am still enjoying my job, but I seem to have bouts of paranoia. On the weekends I tend to just sit around and do nothing or I do meaningless stuff so that to keep myself busy. I am not exactly sure what I am hiding from, but my avoidance issues are still in full force. This weekend was pretty bad as I ignored two party requests. I really felt uncomfortable about possibly attending either one. I felt like it would take a lot of energy to attend either off them and pretend to have a good time.

Anyhow, at work I am feeling like I am letting my boss down even though I have only been there about five months, I feel like I should be performing better. I have a lot of experience and I should be able to bring it all to bear to solve the issues, but I spend a lot off time second guessing myself. I also have gained a lot of weight since starting the job. I really need to watch what I eat and get some better exercise. I am feeling a little lost in my life and I feel like there is something missing. I know I would feel better if I would clean my house but again I can't seem to do it. At this point out seems insurmountable. It is all just excuses-and I know that logically, but it still doesn't seem to make a difference.



On the plus side I really want to do something I find fun I was looking st some Legos and I really though about piling out an old set or maybe one of the new sets I haven't opened

It has been very busy. I am still working and the amazing thing is that the person I was having such a difficult time with is no longer with us. It has made thins more hectic, but in a way it has made them easier. I still worry that it had to do with me and now I need to be extra great to make up for it. I am still struggling withe project, mostly because I have been distracted by other issues that keep coming up.

My neck is doing a little better, but my chiropractor is trying to get me to exercise more and eat better. I really want to, but I keep doing the opposite. I still have things I need to do to close down the corporation. I managed to get my taxes done at the last minute, but there are so many other personal things to do. My house is a mess and I need to get my garage door fixed.

Anyhow, I have an early morning tomorrow.

It has been in interesting times since last I wrote anything. I started a new job back in February in its been going really well up until this week. It is a lot smaller company than I worked for before and there isn't much structure--or at least there isn't documented structure. They do things specific ways, they just don't think of it as a process.

I really have enjoyed being part of the team again and making some money. Unfortunately, they don't really act like a team right now. Everybody's kind of seems to be isolated in their own little world. The team is 2 people right now and used to be 3. No one seems to really know what the other is doing. They just divide things up and go about their business.

The trouble has come up because I was asked to lead a project. The person who was working the project is the one who is leaving. When I was asked to lead the project she all the sudden dumped everything on me and then started this tell me everything you want me to do routine. At this point I had been with the company a few weeks and had just been introduced to the project. The team manager then wanted me to collect the time remaining on tasks for the daily stand up meeting. She didn't care for that and complained about the manager micromanaging. Daily standups are one of the tools for agile development. Anyhow, there is some kind of issue with me and the manager is trying to figure out how to handle the situation. He doesn't really like conflict and doesn't seem to know how to resolve it. Unfortunately he wasn't feeling well on Friday so I couldn't get it resolved before the end of the week and now it is driving me a little nuts.

I really don't think it is to the point they want to let me go, but I keep asking myself if this is what I want and should I go. I need to find out what the issues are and determine if I think they can be dealt with. I honestly think things will work themselves out over time, but we will need to be a little more honest with each other. I have been feeling like the other team members are being a little passive-aggressive and in response I have been a little passive-aggressive myself which I know isn't helping the situation. I haven't been doing my best to keep things calm, so I am partially to blame for the situation.

We will see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully, I still will have a job.

Otherwise, about a month ago I woke up on a Saturday morning and my left arm was killing me. It was so bad that by noon I went to an urgent care facility. The doctor gave me muscle relaxers and told me to take some ibuprofen. I was leery of ibuprofen because it has some similar properties as aspirin and I am allergic to aspirin. Anyhow, as the week goes on, there is no relief and things were not getting better. All week long friends had been saying I should go to a chiropractor. On Friday, I decided to take their advice. Unfortunately, by the time I made the decision, it was too late to get an appointment, so I had to wait until Monday. I have always thought chiropractors were not exactly real doctors, but I was desperate. After the past several weeks, my opinion of chiropractors has changed drastically. It turned out I had a nerve injured in my neck. It took a couple of weeks, but I am finally feeling better. The pain is pretty much gone, but my arms still feels weak and there are sore spots on my shoulder blade and where my chest meets my shoulder. I am hoping it will be all the way better soon.

I learned a couple of things--I need to stop sleeping on my stomach, sleeping on my back makes my mouth dry, it is easier to sleep on my side with a pillow between my knees, my arms want to go over my head when I relax because the muscles in my neck are tight and ibuprofen is great stuff.

I can't believe this weather.  First we get a buttload of snow and then it is deathly cold.  I was supposed to start a new job on Tuesday, but because of the impending weather they asked me to come in Monday afternoon and then sent me home with a desktop computer.  Luckily I still had an old 50' cat 5 cable to connect the computer to my router.  I normally connect using a wireless connection, but the desktop did not have a wireless card.  I worked from home for two days after only having been in the office for 1/2 a day.  It turned out alright, but I am a little nervous as to whether they feel they are feeling they are getting their money's worth.  It is a decent place to work so far--3 1/2 days into it.  I am very excited to have a job and I have enjoyed the little things they have had me work on.  The two days at home were spent getting back familiar with the technical environment.  On top of that I was crippled a little bit by the rubber roll up keyboard I was using.  I could not find my full size keyboard.  Also, i was using an old 15" monitor.  They would have let me take home a monitor and keyboard, but I didn't want to carry all the crap.

During the snow I decided not to shovel and wait for all the snow to fall.  This is the first time that was a mistake.  I went out Wednesday during my lunch break and shoveled for about an hour and only got half the driveway done.  The snow had drifted on the driveway and I was basically shoveling twice--once to take off about 8 inches of snow and a second time to finish up.  Some industrious guys came by and offered to shovel the rest of it for a fee--I paid them too much, but I really did not want to shovel any more and I didn't have time if I wanted to make it to D&D Encounters.

D&D Encounters was the final episode for the season.  We had missed two other sessions recently--once for snow and once because the DM got stuck at work.  Only a few of us showed up and we died a horrible and cruel death, but at least I got to play which I was happy about.  Originally, the DM was saying he did not want to do next season, but the GM rewards were actually decent for the next season so he decided he would go ahead and do it.  I was kind of looking forward to a break, but I will show up because that is the kind of guy I am.

I am so glad I have a job because lately I keep going over my minutes on my mobile phone.  If it keeps up I will have to get a more expensive plan.  I think it will stop, since my sister was calling me a lot during the day and now I am working.  I was also using the phone to call about job leads and such.  I am hoping to see a huge decline in minutes use over the next month.  I really want a new phone, but I don't want to pay for the current plans--and they would make me switch to one of the new plans if I got a new phone.  The other thing holding me back is that I am afraid I would spend too much time playing Angry Birds.

Anyhow it is about time for my psychologist appointment and I really need to go to the bathroom.

I have been very busy the last week or so.  I am still trying to close down my corporation and running into block after block, but I continue to persevere.  Once again my representative with the profit sharing plan company I am working with is no longer at the company and I have anew rep.  Just when I thought I was on the home stretch, this happens and I feel like I am starting over again.  The good news is that I have a banking rep lined up to help me so once I get the go ahead, I can move forward somewhat quickly.

I start a new job on Tuesday.  It is a contract to hire, so I am still a little apprehensive.  I am going to be programming in RPG which is a weak language for me, so it will be a hard road to get up to speed.  I am very excited about the job even though I will be making a little less than I was making before.  It is still a lot of money all things considered.

The Sunday school teaching thing is also going well I think.  Today the kids were a bit restless, but I kind of expected that since the weather has been fairly nice the last couple of days.  If they were older I would have expected more, but since they are only in third grade, I thought they did well.  They actually participated in the discussions and were active.  I think they are taking advantage of my niceness a little bit, but if they get the information. then I am OK with that.  I need to come up with something more engaging for my next class in 2 weeks.

My volunteer work/part time employment at the local food bank has really been fun.  I really enjoy solving people's problems.  Since I started coming in twice a week in the afternoon, I have been able to do a little more follow up and find out if what I am doing helps.  I was so excited when one lady who I had helped set up a projector and connect to the network for a presentation said that everything worked great.  The last time she did a presentation, the connection to the network failed and they had to resort to printed handouts.

I went shopping today to get some clothes for work.  I really hate shopping these days.  I am not that excited about the current fashions and being short and in between waist sizes makes it really unfun.  They don't make a 35W/29L pant so I either have to go to a 34 waist and be snug or a 36 and be loose.  Normally I opt for the smallr, but this time I went with 36.  We'll see how it works out.  My other concern is that I lost weight when I was laid off, and I am afraid I will gain it back.  I am already feeling a little bigger.  i should have been able to fit into the 34 waist pants better than I did.

I am wondering about potential snow issues.  The weather team isn't able to give anything definite yet, but there is talk that there might be bad weather tomorrow night/Tuesday morning.  Since I am starting Tuesday, I don't know what to do if there is some question whether the manager I am supposed to meet is not able to make it into the office.

On a whole, I am still feeling very upbeat.  I even when to a Winter Dance at a local high school.  I was invited by a friend when knew a woman with extra tickets.  The dance is basically a fund raiser for the jazz band and the woman's son played sax in the band.  Several of my friends were there and we danced a little. but I wasn't wearing my dancing shoes and the floor was hard linoleum.  It was a lot of fun and they had some good snacks. 

Now, I need to go to bed so that I can get some sort of sleep pattern down.  This past week I have been trying to get up early.  I actually set up appointments in the morning to make it so that I have to get up.  The problem is that I haven't been getting to bed earlier.  This resulted in crashing this afternoon for a 4 hour nap.  I felt way better afterward, but it upset my schedule to sleep that long.  I also have been trying to stay consistent with my medications.  I have been bad at keeping up with things and that needs to change.

My HVAC guy came today and fixed my blower.  The fan was loose and rattling.  It is so nice and quiet right now.  I also got some laundry and some dishes done.  I still have more to go on both, but it is nice to be making progress.  I am going to have to switch insurance soon since my Cobra is about to run out.  I am not sure what my deductibles and things will be, so I am not sure if I will continue visiting my psychologist.  I finally set up a doctor's appointment before I switch insurance.  I want to talk to him about getting off the anti-depressants.  I haven't used the anti-anxiety or the sleep aids in a while.  It seems longer than it really has been--it has probably been about a month for the anti-anxiety and a couple weeks for the sleep aids.  The anti-anxiety pills I used as sleep aids every now and again--they were enough to get me to fall asleep, but not enough to make me sleep 8 hours and still be groggy.  There was a time a month or so ago when I forgot to take my anti-depressants and my mood really went down hill.  Things are going so well right now that I don't want an artificial downer because I am coming off a medicine.

I am now also stressing a little over accepting the position offered to me too quickly.  I didn't have a chance to talk about benefits or vacation or anything.  I am confused how it works to do this contract to hire process.  I am planning to talk to them about some things I want when I transition, so we will see what happens.  My biggest issue is getting more vacation.  They start at 2 weeks to the best of my knowledge and I want at least 3 weeks--more if they don't have enough holiday time.  I believe people need to have down time and the older you are the more quality down time you need to get.

Right now I am sitting in my La-Z=Boy recliner with the heat and massage going.  My back was hurting most of today.  I am not sure why, but this is really feeling good.  I think it might of been how I slept.  Between the running nose and the noise from the HVAC system, I haven't slept so well the past two nights.  Hopefully tonight will be better.  I will let you know.

I'm sick and my heater is making a horrible sound like when the washing machine is off-balance.  I really just want someone to make me some soup, but since I am alone, I will either have to do it myself or go out and get some.  Although, I am thinking about getting a Chipotle burrito.  I really don't care for Mexican food, but I am beginning to appreciate more and more.  I ate at Jose Pepper's on Friday and now I am kind of wanting a burrito.  I wish I knew a good fast food type place that sold soup.  Maybe I should go to Panera.  I really want chicken noodle soup, but tomato or even French onion sound good.

The good news is that I was offered a job on Friday and accepted it.  The bad news is--I probably accepted too quickly.  It is a contract to hire type thing and I am not sure how much negotiating I will be able to do at the transition.  I should have asked more about that and tried to do some negotiating for the transition now.  We will see how it works out.  I won't make as much as I used to, but the responsibility is less and I will be doing more technical work.  I will still be making a good salary--whether it will be good enough to support a two lesson a week dance habit I don't know, but since I haven't had a dance lesson in about a year, I don't see that as a major issue.  I think I should be able to afford a 1 lesson a week dance habit.  I won't start that back up until I feel confident I actually will transition.  So in the meantime, I will set aside some money in a dance fund and depending on how that goes, I will buy lessons. I also need to do some repairs to the house, so that will of course take top priority.

I may go a different route.  I always wanted to learn an instrument, so I may take some piano or guitar lessons--they are a lot cheaper than dance lessons.  I also want to learn to sew--I know that sounds weird, but remember my sister has that cool embroidery sewing machine I would like to do some cool stuff with it.  It is too early to tell exactly what I will do, but my year has definitely being going fairly well.  It is not perfect, but I am enjoying myself and feeling more positive.  I really think I needed this break the last year to mope and wallow and determine what my priorities are.

I always feel weird saying things like this, but I think God really did have some kind of plan and is trying to teach me something.  My life was kind of going no where and my focus was on material things.  I believe that I have gotten a little more perspective although now that I have the job, I have started thinking about what to buy and how to spend the money, when I really need to continue to live the way I have been and build my savings back up.  I am literally about out of money at this point.  It is good that I got a job because in a another month, I would be living off credit cards and whats left of my 401K after the going into business for myself debacle.

I am feelilng like I need some food, so I think I will brave the winter weather and go to Panera for soup.

Another positive day.  I had my face to face interview and I think it went well.  I am not sure they are going to offer me the programming job, but I didn't panic and I held my own.  Also, at the end the manager brought in two additional managers who have openings that will be made public in the near future to talk to me about those opportunities.  Unfortunately, I am not sure how this is all supposed to work with the consulting company I am working through--I guess I need to ask about that.

The bad part about today was that my friend who runs the D&D Encounters was stuck at work tonight and so we were unable to run the adventure.  I would have been happy to run it for him, but I was unable to get the materials from him.  Most of the group showed up, so we talked for about an hour.  I knew I was the oldest one there, but I wasn't sure just how young the others were.  Two of the guys were born around the time I graduated from high school and the young woman was younger than that.  It was an interesting discussion.  We talked mostly about gaming and computers.  While they were pretty young, so are home computers and video game consoles.  I still had a pretty fun time and got to know the group a little better.

The worst part of today was coming home and having the special on Tucson on TV.  I know it is a horrible tragedy and I feel for those people impacted, especially those who lost loved ones, but I didn't want to see that.  I ended up switching the channel and watching Iron Man for a while.  While I was catching up on Facebook I came across a link to Jon Stewart's commentary on the tragedy in Tucson.  I was actually impressed with what he said--he did ramble on a bit, but it seemed heart felt and genuine.

Tomorrow will be another day.

My positive new year seems to be going well--last week I won $2.00 in the lottery which is the first amount I have one in several months, I had a phone interview that resulted in a face to face interview later this week, and I started a paid temp job today.  I am not going to get paid much, but it is something additional to put on my resume.  The interview was for a technical position coding RPG on an IBM iSeries.  I have only a little experience with RPG, but I have over 15 years experience with the iSeries (AS/400)--unfortunately I was in one of the few places that coded in COBOL.  They were a little put off by my lack of experience, but they asked if I would be interested in a Business Analyst position.  I was originally looking at BA positions, but I was more excited about the coding job.  So, I have an interview scheduled later this week and they want to interview me for both the programmer position and a BA position that will be opening soon.  I found the first opening through a friend I used to work with and things just sort of fell together--the company wants to go through a contract company so they can "try before the buy".  It just so happens that I have a relationship with a contract company for the temp job I am doing with a local charity.  Everything seems to be coming together kind of like the stars aligning.  I hope I am not jinxing it, but I am so excited.

In keeping with my positive outlook, I actually shoveled the snow out of my driveway.  I usually just let it accumulate until I can't drive my car over it or until it melts.  I am even getting better at it--it only took me an hour.  The snow was dry and not packed, so it was pretty easy to move around--unfortunately that also meant it kept blowing back at me.  I didn't care and just kept going.  Normally I finish and sit on the couch the rest of the day aching and tired and today I went to work and felt like I accomplished some things.

My next step is to start exercising.  I have a treadmill and a Crossbow thingy in my basement and I need to start using them.  I want to start with the treadmill until I can clean the basement a little to have a place to pull out the Crossbow.  I have lost about 30 to 40 pounds (I think that is about 2 stone in imperial measures) since I was laid off.  I have kept it off for a while now, but lately I feel like I am losing muscle and not fat.  Also, I am hoping if I start exercising I will have more energy.

I need to go to the doctor and get some refills on my medication.  I am afraid if I run out of my antidepressants without doctor supervision, I will fall apart.  I stopped taking the medication a while back for a couple of weeks and starting feeling down and thinking the world was against me.  I really want off the medication as soon as possible, but I want to make sure I do it correctly.

Hope springs eternal--it has been somewhat trying for the last several months, but now things are looking up or at least I am being more positive.

I am back home and the anxiety is returning.  Actually, it is not as bad as I thought.  I had more anxiety the last couple of nights wondering what I would have waiting for me when I got home.  It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, but I am kind of avoiding my life right now.  For new year's I was planning to be more happy and positive--and to not avoid things.  I am avoiding already, but I will try to change over the year.  A friend of mine told me about a job opening and I am pinning a lot of hope on this job possibility.  My finances are not good and my Cobra runs out in March.  I could really use an income and health benefits at this point.

The holiday wasn't too bad even though I was back with my parents--it was about what I expected.  I still feel I should have stayed home and gotten some of the business things taken care of.  This is part of why my finances are a mess--it is really the business finances that are a mess. I should never have started this business.  I need to schedule an appointment with my doctor while I still have insurance and get my prescriptions refilled--especially the anti-depressant.  Last time I went off it, the result was not good.  I could probably do it if I had a job, but I am not sure.

The best part of the trip was the drive down and back.  While it is extremely long and tiresome, I was able to listen to some books on tape.  Between Thanksgiving and this trip, I got through four of the Narnia books by C. S. Lewis--Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The Silver Chair and finally The Last Battle.  The Last Battle just went on and on at the end and was not what I was hoping for to tie the series up.  Unfortunately, I finished the book several hours before the trip was done.  I ended up catching up on The Onion podcast and listening to a few old Paul and Storm podcasts.  At Thanksgiving, I had also caught up on Wil Wheaton's Radio Free Burrito podcast.  I have only gotten to November 2008 on the Paul and Storm podcast, but so far I like it.  It is really just the two of them talking about stuff--but that is all they promised and they delivered.  The bonus is that I find the stuff interesting.  I don't think it is for everyone, but I think a lot of people would find it interesting if they gave it a chance.

My only problem is that I have one of those FM transmitter thingies to play the iPod through the car stereo and it seems like I was changing the station every half hour and even then I got a lot of static.  I would never listen to music that way.  My next car will have an iPod connector or at least some kind of stereo auxiliary jack for an MP3 player.  I had one in the rental car after the crash and I loved it.  If I was employed, I probably would have replaced the car with a new car that had an MP3 jack compatible with my iPod.

Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day and I need to finish a resume.  I also want to get up and walk on the treadmill for a while.  One of my resolutions is to get more exercise--mostly because it is supposed to raise energy levels, but also I would like to lose a little weight.  I have already lost some because of the depression, but I think much of the weight I have lost has not been the right kind of weight loss.

Anyhow, lots to do tomorrow so I am heading to bed.  Let's see if I can change--I know that I can so I am sure it will happen (positive attitude? check).

Happy New Year!
Here's to a better life this coming year.  When I was in college I took a course on German literature from the turn of the century (19th to 20th century).  In the course we discussed how the literature for the ten years leading up to and the ten year following was pessimistic and dark.  Evidently this was a pattern that had developed over the centuries.  While a century is a man-made marking of time, people still think of it as significant.  Anyhow, now that we are ending the turn of the century, I am hoping that things will start looking better in all aspects--the economy, the job market, the wars in all parts of the world.  Maybe if enough people believe things will get better, it will happen.

For some reason the lyrics to an old ABBA song always come to mind--maybe because it is called "Happy New Year".  Honestly, it seems to be a little depressing, so I am going to share the refrain, which is not as depressing.

Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don't we might as well lay down and die
You and I