Do you ever feel like there are things you need to do, but don't know what they are? I am not sure that is the right feeling. It is somewhere between not knowing what to do and feeling helpless to do them. I have gotten to where I hate talking to anyone. I feel so insecure and nervous--nothing comes out of my mouth correctly. I just keep thinking it is already March and what have I accomplished toward becoming better--being happier with my life. I really haven't done anything. I continue to hide behind work and avoid everything else. My Sunday was free and what did I do, I slept all day. It felt really good and I woke rested and relaxed, but it doesn't stop the waves of guilt and paranoia.

On a side note, I went to some friends house on Friday and played A Game of Thrones the boardgame  I always say Fantasy Flight game have very good production quality, but they take so long to learn to play.  I should have looked at the box prior to starting to play--it said 2-4 hours which means the first game was probably going to be at least 8 hours.  Unfortunately, we did not make it to the end.  It was fun up to when we quit, but we really didn't get into the warring part.  Based on the partial game, I would still play it again with a larger time allocation and would even recommend the game.  We'll see if we play it again sometime.

It is amazing how things have gone. I thought I was doing pretty well and then everything fell apart. I spent too much money in November and then found out my parents health wasn't that good. Both of them have since pulled through and they are doing well, but still it kind of hit hard.

Also, I am having problems with the 3rd graders in my Sunday school class. There are more of them than last year and none of them have stopped showing up. Last year we lost almost half the class before the Christmas break and they never showed back up. They are constantly testing me and I am trying very hard to maintain calm and control and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Work is kind of the same way. I have been working on this major project that was supposed to be done last year and we just implemented the second phase and there are probably two more phases to go before we are close to being finished with the original project. Again, I feel like I am failing. My boss keeps saying I am doing a good job, but I know I should be doing so much better. My biggest problem is that I know that if we had a more structured approach, it would be easier to predict the cost of a project. Instead I gave very low estimates thinking we would be able to make it up by not doing a lot of documents and stuff. In the end it cost more because everything was in my head and there was a lot of rework because it did not all come out easily and the other team members could not read my mind.

Hopefully, in future projects I will be able to instill some sort of process. I am struggling with trying to figure out how to implement an agile development process with such a small team of older programmers.

On other fronts, I have been avoiding my personal life. My house looks like one of those houses on one of those hoarder shows. I am having problems cleaning anything at home. I have dirty dishes and trash everywhere. My garage door is still broken, the plants around my house are taking over and I think my foundation is cracking. I can't sleep at night so any time I have a little extra time I end up napping. I am constantly tired and getting a little paranoid. I feel guilty constantly and I am having anxiety attacks again. Someday maybe I will be better.