I am sitting in the library trying to work on my resume for this course/seminar I signed up for.  There are only three of us that signed up and I feel like more of a failure compared to the other two guys.  They are both much more energetic and have way cooler experience than me.  I was really hoping that I could find a kindred spirit in the class, but alas, I do not believe that will happen.  I am feeling more depressed and to top it all off, the library moved some shelves and stuff around and now I cannot get power at the tables.  I am having to sit in a comfy chair by a window.  I am about to fall asleep.

I have been having really weird thoughts lately.  I have started feeling like there is an external force working against me.  I saw a show the other morning about Satan and the end of times and I feel myself kind of wanting the end of times to come.  One of the weird things I have be feeling is a need to connect back tot the church.  I have been going to mass pretty regularly on the weekends and I even starting teaching Sunday School.  I keep thinking I want to go to Confession, but I haven't worked up the courage yet.  On the flip side I have feelings of wanting to die and I often feel like I am restricted from doing things.  It is like there is someone whispering all the bad things to me keeping me depressed and keeping my fear level high.  It is probably just me trying to blame anyone or anything else for all my failings.  I constantly distract myself from long periods of contemplation so that I the bad thoughts don't take hold, but that is also keeping the good thoughts from taking hold.  According to some religious texts Satan is trying to take over by convincing people to do bad things--I feel like through inaction, he is accomplishing the same thing.  If you are not actively fighting against evil and for a good and happy life, then you accepting it.  I am still not sure I believe that, but it seems consistent with church dogma.  We must believe in evil if we are to know what good is.  It seems that only through comparison can you truly understand good.

I try to be a good person and most of my friends would say I am basically good.  I do seem to tell untruths more often than I should and my very character is based on false demeanor.  I appear calm and confident even through I am nowhere close.  I keep telling everyone I am fine when I have this huge struggle inside me to move forward.  I am often depressed and down--and the shorter days only make it worse.  I am lying to the world, but it is just a small lie--it is not like I am telling everyone I am someone else, just that I am better than I am.

I really dread confession.  I haven't been in 25-30 years.  The last time I went I promised the priest I would go back in a certain amount of time which I have forgotten how long it was, but suffice it to say that I am long overdue on that promise.  I want to go, because I think it would be cleansing, but like most things in my life I just don't do it.  This is my daily struggle--doing things I want to do.  Some would say I don't want to do them bad enough--and maybe they are right, but it doesn't feel that way to me.  I feel like something is holding me back and maybe it is Satan--I just don't know.  I have a lot of friends that would laugh at me merely suggesting such a thing. 

I need to head home as I have things to do tonight.  I had said I would try to work 10-15 hours on my resume and I just don't see that happening by Monday.  Great.