Friday I went to a psychologist because I am having a lot of problems getting out of bed and doing things. Evidently, I have high anxiety and I am dealing with it through avoidance. This is nice and good, but it hasn't helped me not have panic attacks today. I know tomorrow is going to be horrible. Yesterday I was playing game with some some friends and could not enjoy myself because I kept thinking about all the things I keep putting off. The psychologist suggested I get medication to help with the therapy, but I am not sure I an call my doctor to talk about it. I can't even seem to talk to my family. My family usually talks to me and I just listen and sometimes offer suggestions. I am so tired of people telling me just to do it.

I am so scared the franchisor will find out I am having emotional problems and will want to retract my franchise. While in a way, I wouldn't be too opposed to that.  I am not sure how I would really react to  failure of that nature.  I don't know what to do and waiting until next Friday to speak to the psych guy again may be too much.  I am wondering if Mondays or Tuesdays would be better since the beginning of the week is worse than the end.  At the end of the week I basically don't feel as guilty not working as I do at the beginning of the week.  I think Sunday evenings might be the worst since I just dwell on everything I have to do the coming week.  Of course I don't do anything, but the anxiety is there.

Right now I really need to be working so that I can start today off well, but I am still sitting in bed flipping back and forth between Star Trek: TNG and Phineas and Ferb.   Hopefully, therapy will help.  I have a hard time admitting it, but there are times that I wish I would die or at least get hurt enough so that I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. 

Anyhow, the two main things I learned on Friday are that I feel inferior and that I am afraid to disappoint everyone and anyone.  The one thing I should talk abut this week is that I really like to be praised and secretly wish to be viewed as a star, but always feel undeserving.

Here it is the end of the day Tuesday and I have not accomplished all that I wanted. And instead of working feverishly, I am watching Glee on the DVR after having played a couple of games of Settlers of Catan at some friends house--I actually won the first game gaining seven victory points in one round. If you are familiar with Settlers of Catan, you know this can be difficult, but we were playing with Seafarers, Cities & Knights, and two mini-expansions from Traders and Barbarians--Fishermen of Catan and the Harbormaster. We now have quite a list of house rules since most of the expansions don't adequately address interaction with other expansions. The one that helped me win is that when you get a Metropolis from Cities & Knights, you can place it on a city on a harbor and the city becomes worth four harbor points towards Harbormaster. Anyhow, I built a settlement, played the Merchant progress card, upgraded to a city, built a metropolis, and stole Harbormaster for a seven point turn. I was close on the second game, but I did not win.

As far as the business goes, I finally went to an accountant and got a lot of good information. I also contacted the local chamber of commerce and am headed to a coffee meeting tomorrow morning--early in the morning. I also have a couple meetings with some other people later in the week. Sadly, none of them are potential clients, at least not yet.

I actually set up an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday to try and deal with all my emotional issues that seem to prevent me from getting much done. I just find myself escaping by watching TV much of the day and that is not helpful. Kind of like I am doing now, although I am also blogging into the blogosphere--of course no one is reading. I know that because I have Google Analytics to tell me so. I think that is why I am so candid most times.

Anyway, I am hoping to get a relaxation this Memorial Day weekend. Some friends are having a get together on Sunday, but the rest of the weekend appears to be mine--Mine! I tell you, Mine!

Just got home from a friend's party. I don't know why I never can leave at a decent time. Anyhow it was nice to see some old friends that showed up. I had hope to talk more about my new business but I have hard time, because I feel like I am imposing. I was able to get through the 5 minute speech with Melody and she mentioned she would talk to her bosses--ideally I should have asked for their names so that I could send some information. I am just not sure how to go about that without it feeling forced.

I did sign a client on Friday, although he was my franchise broker and I feel like it was cheating, but he is a client none the less. Now I have a long list of things I need to do on top of trying to find another client for next week.

Anyhow, it is late and I have a busy day today and I need some sleep.

I flew back home on Monday and I actually conversed with people around me on the plane. This is a somewhat new experience for me. I generally have a book to read or earphones on, but I am making a more concerted effort to "be out there" now that I have my own business to market. The couple to the right of me were originally from Myanmar and were traveling through the US for a month with stops in Los Angeles, Kansas City, Washington DC, Florida and Dallas. Unfortunately, their English was not so good, so the conversation didn't last long--plus they fell asleep. The woman across the aisle to the left was traveling back from England. She was very lucky to get out after the volcano in Iceland clouded the sky. Evidently, they had opened Heathrow for a brief stint that morning and only a handful of flights went out.

Now that I am home, I have been trying to put some of the stuff I learned into practice. It has only been two days, and I am already feeling overwhelmed once again. I have a call with a mentor in the morning to help me get back on track.

I have continued to play games with some friends in the evening, but I warned them all that this would be coming to an end. The Thursday game was coming to an end anyway since Ralph was starting his new job this coming Monday. Part of owning my own business was having some personal time and here I am talking about giving it up. We'll see how it works out going forward.

I have been trying to catch up on some of the shows I DVR'd last week, and evidently there were a lot of storms in the area while I was gone. All the shows I watched had storm warnings in them. I was kind of hoping my house would blow away, but it did not.

Anyway, another day is done and tomorrow starts early now that I am no longer unemployed. The good news is that I am taking a more optimistic attitude and know that tomorrow will be a great day.

Stratford Ontario is a quaint little town with a large theatrical presence. With a name like Stratford next to a river called Avon and the town of London nearby, you just have to expect some connection to the bard and the theatrical arts. There is even a Shakespeare park in town and the town of Shakespeare is just down the road.

There are four main theatres in town. Unfortunately for me, the theatre season has not fully begun. There are a few shows open--mostly during the day when I am already engaged.

Monday I walked through the center of town looking for a place to eat. Evidently in the off season, every thing closes on Monday so my choices were limited. I really enjoyed the walk though. One of the reasons I always loved going to Europe was that I was able to safely walk or take public transportation everywhere. In most of the US it seems like everything is designed to require transit by car. There aren't always sidewalks and safe ways to cross the street. Anyway, I really enjoyed the walk and cursed myself for not bringing a camera. I also really like the old look to the town. I live in a suburb where everything kind of looks like everything else and those small architectural details you see in older buildings just don't exist--and if they do, every fifth house or building has the same architectural detail.

Today I went for a walk around the little lake in the northern part of the town. It was a very nice night, a little on the cool side, but nice none the same. Spring has just come to Stratford and there were still a few tulips in bloom. There were swans on the lake as well as geese and duck. It was cute to see the little ducklings swimming around while their parents watched on chasing after them when they strayed a little too far. As I was walking on the path I passed a small group of goslings on one side of the path with the two adult geese on the other side. While the geese did not move when I approached, they did give off this menacing hissing sound. I really can't fully describe how cute the whole thing was and again I cursed myself for not having a camera.

Anyway, I would put Stratford on my list of places I would like to come back to.

I should have packed more for my trip tomorrow, but alas I always leave everything until the last minute. I talked to my little sister earlier today and she said that is what we do. It is something I want to change about myself, but I am not sure how to. And I keep procrastinating on figuring out a way. It is a never ending circle--although I want to say it is spiral because a little bit of procrastination just leads to more.

I had a really nice dinner with some friends who have birthdays really close together. There were just four of us and I really enjoyed. The waitress assumed Cyn and I were a couple and put our orders on the same bill. In the end Cyn paid for everyone's dinner--I tried to pay for half since the other couple were th ones with the birthdays, but she insisted. That was very sweet of her. I wish I didn't have such personal issues because I would love to have her more in my life.

Which brings me to an interesting thought. These last couple of days I have been using this blog as sort of personal journal. I know that technically this is not a private journal although from Google Analytics I know that only a couple of people have stumbled across it and none of them have stayed more than the time necessary to click away. I think secretly I am writing things that I would really like to tell people in my life. I would really like to have the courage to talk to a professional. I did that once a long time ago when my brother was killed. I only went for one session, because I wasn't really truthful with the shrink and I did not see how I was going to get any help that way. In a weird way I am hoping people happen upon this, but I don't know what I want to happen next. I guess it is my own twisted therapy.

My luck continues to wane--I checked my Powerball tickets to confirm I did not win and I lost two games of Explorers on AsoBrain.com.

Tomorrow I fly to Canada for training and I am filled with trepidation. My biggest fear is that the Franchisor will see that I have problems and back out. I think that is why I have been having such a time telling people I bought the franchise. It is like women who are pregnant but don't want to say anything until they feel comfortable the pregnancy will go to term. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry and now I feel the pressure of having to live up to those expectations and the fear of letting them down.

Anyhow, I need to go to bed so I can get up and have breakfast with some friends before they take me to the airport. Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite.

I feel like my luck has gone. When I was younger everything always seemed to work out. I always did better than average with most things I tried. The exception was generally physical tasks, although I usually held my own. I play games with friends in the evenings and lately I haven't been doing so well. I also play games on asobrain.com against bots--it is usually so easy to win these games against the AI, but lately I have lost more often. I have even been rolling poorly in the DND games I play. It feels like the only time I roll over a 10 is when it doesn't matter.

I am still concerned about the franchise I am buying. I fly out Sunday (Mother's Day) for training that starts on Monday and lasts all week. I am hoping I get back into a groove next week. I have been so tired lately and I need to get over it. I have downloaded a few free hypnosis audio files and listened to them to relax. There are a few more I need to get. Maybe I can do some self hypnosis to get more motivated.

Anyhow, it is late and not getting to bed is part of my problem.

It has been a while since I posted anything and a lot has happened, but the most important is that I lost my job about eight months ago. OK, I know it isn't lost, I just don't have it any more. The good news is that I am healthier now than I have been in a while. Even better news is that I am buying a consulting franchise. The downside is that I always said I never wanted to worked for myself. And I will be working out of my home which is number 2 on the list of things I didn't want to do.

My friends and family are really great and being very supportive, even though I am scared out of my wits. I know I am my worst critic, but I am concerned that I do not have the drive to keep going every day. The worst part is I am afraid I will disappoint everyone--my family and friends who keep saying I will do great, the franchisor who is affording me this opportunity, everyone I might do business with, my creditors and of course myself.

I am basically a perfectionist who tends to not start things because I am afraid I won't do them perfectly the first time. I also have a big problem with people watching me do stuff--I feel like inside they are criticizing every move I make. It's like I don't want people to know I am human--I have a really hard time using the restroom at other people's houses or when other people are aware of what I am doing. It is no wonder I live by myself. I don't think I could survive someone else all up in my business. Which of course also makes buying a franchise difficult because the franchisor wants to know about all my business to make sure they are compensated correctly--I can't blame them, it is what I would want to do.

Anyhow, I keep looking on the web for solutions for perfectionism (which of course leads to procrastination, escapism, and a whole host of other isms) and I am unable to find anything beyond making lists and to "just get over it". I probably should see a professional, but that would involve someone getting all up in my business.

In the meantime, I am eating less and having problems sleeping so I am sure there are good things to come. At least I have lost a few pounds in the last couple of weeks as I have been going through the process of creating a corporation to fund the new business. I do feel that I can make this work, I am just concerned I won't do as well as other people expect--and I should just let that go, but I can't.