I am struggling with a lot these days.  The medications don't seem to be working as intended.  I have completely given up on trying to get anything accomplished outside of getting out of bed and eating--and I am not doing either very well.  I am so frustrated to think that my life seems so out of control and that I should be able to just get over it and I can't.  I feel like I am just using this as an excuse not to do anything--but I am not enjoying my life so it doesn't make sense.  It's not like I am off having fun, I am just either curled up in bed or curled up on the couch thinking about everything going wrong in my life.  Sometimes the TV is on with the sound turned down a little, because I don't really want to watch, but I the sound helps keep me a little calmer.  I keep wondering how does this get better.  I am not exactly feeling encourage by the psychologist right now.  He talks about exposure therapy and it sounds like dealing with the symptoms and not the cause.  I wonder if I will have the nerve or strength or whatever to ask him about that.  The 50 minute session goes by so fast and I feel like all I do is complain and there is no moving forward.

I have been doing a little searching on the internet for possible help, but who knows if you can trust any of what you read.  I always feel like it is either the same high level information repeated from site to site or they are trying to sell you the answer and there is no way to know if it is a valid program without opening yourself up to fraud.  I guess things are that way in real life as well.

The one thing about the medications is that I am not thinking that getting hit by a truck or contracting a fatal disease will solve my problems as much--although the rationale is still as valid as it was before.  I just keep wondering what the next 40 to 50 years of my life are going to look like and will I be doomed to be like this forever.  My issues definitely seem to go back a very long way and I don't see anyone trying to help me deal with the core issue.  I keep wondering if hypnosis will help.  Part of my problem is that I want to be somebody different and I don't think that will happen.

So I went to my primary car physician last week and now I am on an anti-depressant, a sleep aid, and an anti-anxiety medication.  I feel even more out of sorts right now while all these medications are building up in my system.  Today I was probably awake 8 hours total and that was mostly in half hour to hour settings with the exception of meeting some friends for dinner.  I do feel a little better in that I am not shaking and breaking out in sweats all the time.  I am still struggling with doing anything, but at least I am not beating myself up constantly about it.

Right now I feel not much at all.  I am sure the anxiety and depression will return in the morning.

So can somebody tell me why I was able to access blogger all weekend.  I have emotional problems I want to write about so that no one will read them--I know, because once again I check Google Analytics and it tells me so.

Anyhow, I went over to a friends yesterday and I took some of my old Sci-Fi books that I thought his young boys might like.  They are 9 and 10 and I am not sure if all the books were appropriate for their age, but since I will probably never have kids, I want to share my love of Sci-Fi with someone.  The one I said they should read first is Asimov's I, Robot.  I didn't read it until my freshman year in college for my freshman humanities class.  I have yet to see the movie with Will Smith because most of my friends said I would probably not like it.  Anyhow, I think the book would be good for young readers, but I am waiting to see what the boys say.  I kind of wish I had a copy of L'Engle's A Wind in the Door--I think that is a good book for younger readers.  I also left them Asmiov's Foundation, Herbert's Whipping Star, Herbert's Grain Brain, Niven's The Integral Trees, MacDonald's Ballroom of the Skies, Pohl's Space Merchants, Lewis' Out of the Silent Planet and Brooks' Magic Kingdom For Sale Sold.  Out of the Silent Planet, Space Merchants and Ballroom of the Skies were also part of my freshman humanities class.  I can't remember what other books we read for that class.  I know Van Vogt's Slan was supposed to be on the list, but it was out of print at the time.  I did read it later and really enjoyed it.  I really want the boys to be older so that I could share more mature books like Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land and Huxley's Brave New World.

The younger of the two boys read the first two Harry Potter books, so I think he will be able to read the books, I just don't know if he will understand the themes.  I am afraid the older one will not read any of the books and he was who I brought them for.  Now that they are on summer break, I thought it would be good to have books available to pick in those times when they need to be quiet.  They watch entirely too much TV and I was like that when I was young and I think it led to some of my issues--or maybe it supported my avoidance issues.  I still tend to avoid by watching TV.  I have at least five TVs in my house and I live alone.

I am still having anxiety issues with trying to start a business.  I was on Manta.com today and ran a across a video from some CEO who said that if you are not having fun, you are not going to be productive.  I am definitely not having fun.  The question is, can it become fun.  I am always amazed at people who say they enjoy what they are doing, because I never enjoy what I am doing and I have decided that is a big part of the problem that needs to be fixed--I need to find fun in life.

I asked the psychologist what the end of this would look like, and I don't think he ever answered my question.  Actually at the end of the session we kind of went off on a tangent.  We ended with an assignment to plan my business week, when I want to make sure we focus on my life as a whole and not just on work.  Maybe this is just my mid-life crisis, but I still want to change my life going forward so that there is some kind of meaning in my life.  I am feeling like I have always taken the easy road and just let life lead me and now life has stopped leading and I am floundering.  And my response is to hide and wait for life to lead me again, but in the meantime I am so lost and confused that I am don't know what to do.  Everybody around me is being so positive and optimistic and for some reason it is kind of making me more depressed.  I don't seem to want solutions, I seem to want sympathy--it is like I am a woman getting angry at her husband when he makes suggestions while she is complaining about her day.

I will be talking to my primary care physician in a couple of days to discuss better living through pharmacology.  I am not a big believer in drugs, but I really want to see some kind of change and of course I want the easy way.  We will see how it goes.

Last night after D&D Encounters I was talking to a good friend of mine and he joked that I bought the franchise to avoid creating a resume and looking for a job.  I was a bit upset and got a little depressed on the way home.  This morning I realized that part of what upset me was that there was too much truth in it.  In a way it was a way to push off life for a while.

I tried a new introduction this morning that my mentor wanted me to use, but somehow I screwed it up.  I need to figure this one out.  Unfortunately, I slept again this afternoon instead of working.  After the BNI group meeting, the chamber of commerce meeting, and meeting with my accountant I was tired.  I stopped on my way home to pick up my new lenses for my glasses and I was so tired walking through the mall waiting the hour for Lenscrafters to install the new lenses.

I had every intention to work, but everyone knows the path to hell is paved with good intentions.  And now, even after  3 hour nap this afternoon which left me groggy and listless; I am very tired and ready to go to sleep.