So can somebody tell me why I was able to access blogger all weekend.  I have emotional problems I want to write about so that no one will read them--I know, because once again I check Google Analytics and it tells me so.

Anyhow, I went over to a friends yesterday and I took some of my old Sci-Fi books that I thought his young boys might like.  They are 9 and 10 and I am not sure if all the books were appropriate for their age, but since I will probably never have kids, I want to share my love of Sci-Fi with someone.  The one I said they should read first is Asimov's I, Robot.  I didn't read it until my freshman year in college for my freshman humanities class.  I have yet to see the movie with Will Smith because most of my friends said I would probably not like it.  Anyhow, I think the book would be good for young readers, but I am waiting to see what the boys say.  I kind of wish I had a copy of L'Engle's A Wind in the Door--I think that is a good book for younger readers.  I also left them Asmiov's Foundation, Herbert's Whipping Star, Herbert's Grain Brain, Niven's The Integral Trees, MacDonald's Ballroom of the Skies, Pohl's Space Merchants, Lewis' Out of the Silent Planet and Brooks' Magic Kingdom For Sale Sold.  Out of the Silent Planet, Space Merchants and Ballroom of the Skies were also part of my freshman humanities class.  I can't remember what other books we read for that class.  I know Van Vogt's Slan was supposed to be on the list, but it was out of print at the time.  I did read it later and really enjoyed it.  I really want the boys to be older so that I could share more mature books like Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land and Huxley's Brave New World.

The younger of the two boys read the first two Harry Potter books, so I think he will be able to read the books, I just don't know if he will understand the themes.  I am afraid the older one will not read any of the books and he was who I brought them for.  Now that they are on summer break, I thought it would be good to have books available to pick in those times when they need to be quiet.  They watch entirely too much TV and I was like that when I was young and I think it led to some of my issues--or maybe it supported my avoidance issues.  I still tend to avoid by watching TV.  I have at least five TVs in my house and I live alone.

I am still having anxiety issues with trying to start a business.  I was on Manta.com today and ran a across a video from some CEO who said that if you are not having fun, you are not going to be productive.  I am definitely not having fun.  The question is, can it become fun.  I am always amazed at people who say they enjoy what they are doing, because I never enjoy what I am doing and I have decided that is a big part of the problem that needs to be fixed--I need to find fun in life.

I asked the psychologist what the end of this would look like, and I don't think he ever answered my question.  Actually at the end of the session we kind of went off on a tangent.  We ended with an assignment to plan my business week, when I want to make sure we focus on my life as a whole and not just on work.  Maybe this is just my mid-life crisis, but I still want to change my life going forward so that there is some kind of meaning in my life.  I am feeling like I have always taken the easy road and just let life lead me and now life has stopped leading and I am floundering.  And my response is to hide and wait for life to lead me again, but in the meantime I am so lost and confused that I am don't know what to do.  Everybody around me is being so positive and optimistic and for some reason it is kind of making me more depressed.  I don't seem to want solutions, I seem to want sympathy--it is like I am a woman getting angry at her husband when he makes suggestions while she is complaining about her day.

I will be talking to my primary care physician in a couple of days to discuss better living through pharmacology.  I am not a big believer in drugs, but I really want to see some kind of change and of course I want the easy way.  We will see how it goes.