I was reading a website on depression and I was amazed at how much it resonated with me. I know I am depressed, but I thought that there might be something else. I now wonder if I haven't been depressed for a good bit of my life. One of the interesting things they talked about was how depression has risen so much since the 1940's and that it doesn't exist in certain societies such as the Amish. They attributed this to modern society being more focussed on the self. Amish view everything in a communal manner so that if one person is hurting they all help to make it better. My biggest problem is that I feel pressure to conquer this by myself. I have to do everything myself or I have to pay someone to do it. I can't accept help from others.
Anyhow, another thing they mentioned was wondering about the purpose of life and thinking about death, not necessarily suicide but just dying in general. I do think about dying a lot--either through an accident or from disease. Sometimes it is not death, sometimes it is just injury or sickness that is debilitating. I know it isn't healthy, but I am not sure what to do about it. I also have trouble focusing and the site mentioned that is a trait of depression--not being able to read or concentrate on a task.
Today I also made it out to the Bernina store to pick up some stuff for my sister. The people there are so nice and helpful. Now that I seem to be going there on a regular basis they even recognize me. I had my sister's sewing machine for several months and really didn't do anything with it. I kept thinking I would take some lessons and make some things, but like everything else I kept putting it off until I gave it back. I wish I could just get motivated. At least I am getting few things off my list--still not the important things though.
Tomorrow I signed up for a tour of the library and hopefully that will get me going on searching for a job. I almost need a partner of some kind. I wish I had it in me to ask people for help, but alas I do not.
I am hoping to get up early tomorrow, so that means going to bed somewhat early tonight. The howl of the winds outside only echoed the tempest of thought.
Monday, October 25, 2010
My week end was fuller than I thought. On Friday, I took some old records and textbooks to Half Priced Books to sell. Since the textbooks were so old and the records were mostly 80's pop, I only was offered a dollar. I figured that was better than nothing, plus they were going to donate the books to other groups that might be able to use them--I was happy as long as they didn't charge me to take them away.
Friday night I went to the club and realized how out of practice I am. My waltz was absolutely horrific--although still better than most people there. I think part of my depression is that I am out of lessons and I have no money for more. I really love to dance, but I am scared to dance with people--how weird is that. What ever I am going through seems so full of contradictions. I want to do things, but I am scared to death of doing them--or I just don't have the focus to do them. In a way I have been like this for a long time, but there are subtle differences. One of my biggest issues is that I can't read large amounts of texts--more than a paragraph and I start skipping through trying to get the gist of it.
Anyhow, Saturday I went to the FLGS for the Gamma World game day--although it wasn't as local as I would have liked. I enjoyed the experience, but it was very scary playing with people who I don't know. To make matters worse they all seemed to know each other and they were very imaginative. I felt out of place--of course I feel that way around people in general these days. The game has very simple mechanics and allows for a lot more imagination and role-playing if that is what you want. For example, there are basically 6 stats for weapons. When you choose a one handed melee weapon, you make up what the weapon actually is. One guy was part bear, part avian creature and his weapon of choice was a two handed melee weapon--a large metal pole with a sign on the end. The sign said "Don't Feed the Bears". The game lasted about 3.5 hours after the characters were created. The basic mechanic is a simplified D&D 4.0.
Later Saturday was the Saturday Social. I had thrown together a chicken broccoli rice casserole and put it in the crockpot on low. When I got back from the Gamma World game, the mixture was overcooked. I quickly threw another casserole together and cooked it in the oven. I was surprised at the number of people at the social. Most of them were new and I did not know them, but it was good to see decent attndence since a large number of the regulars were at an OU watch party--whatever that is.
Today (Sunday) I have been extremely tired and unmotivated. I almost didn't make it to church. Thank goodness there was no Sunday school today or I would have never made it. I did manage to finaly get some laundry done and to finish loading the dishwaser and starting it. I don't seem to be tired any more and I was hoping to get up early tomorrow and get my financials documented for my CPA.
I am going to put on an episode of Big Bang Theory and hope I can get to sleep.
Friday night I went to the club and realized how out of practice I am. My waltz was absolutely horrific--although still better than most people there. I think part of my depression is that I am out of lessons and I have no money for more. I really love to dance, but I am scared to dance with people--how weird is that. What ever I am going through seems so full of contradictions. I want to do things, but I am scared to death of doing them--or I just don't have the focus to do them. In a way I have been like this for a long time, but there are subtle differences. One of my biggest issues is that I can't read large amounts of texts--more than a paragraph and I start skipping through trying to get the gist of it.
Anyhow, Saturday I went to the FLGS for the Gamma World game day--although it wasn't as local as I would have liked. I enjoyed the experience, but it was very scary playing with people who I don't know. To make matters worse they all seemed to know each other and they were very imaginative. I felt out of place--of course I feel that way around people in general these days. The game has very simple mechanics and allows for a lot more imagination and role-playing if that is what you want. For example, there are basically 6 stats for weapons. When you choose a one handed melee weapon, you make up what the weapon actually is. One guy was part bear, part avian creature and his weapon of choice was a two handed melee weapon--a large metal pole with a sign on the end. The sign said "Don't Feed the Bears". The game lasted about 3.5 hours after the characters were created. The basic mechanic is a simplified D&D 4.0.
Later Saturday was the Saturday Social. I had thrown together a chicken broccoli rice casserole and put it in the crockpot on low. When I got back from the Gamma World game, the mixture was overcooked. I quickly threw another casserole together and cooked it in the oven. I was surprised at the number of people at the social. Most of them were new and I did not know them, but it was good to see decent attndence since a large number of the regulars were at an OU watch party--whatever that is.
Today (Sunday) I have been extremely tired and unmotivated. I almost didn't make it to church. Thank goodness there was no Sunday school today or I would have never made it. I did manage to finaly get some laundry done and to finish loading the dishwaser and starting it. I don't seem to be tired any more and I was hoping to get up early tomorrow and get my financials documented for my CPA.
I am going to put on an episode of Big Bang Theory and hope I can get to sleep.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wow, I feel like I have been busy although I still haven't gotten much done. I did manage to file the forms to close down the corporation, but I still need to get with my CPA and get the financials all figured out. Last week I went to my parents' house--my high school reunion was this past weekend and I decided to go. My parents, however left on Tuesday last week to visit my little sister and her new baby. They should be there about 3 weeks. This left me at their house by myself which was OK. I really enjoyed their high speed internet. Since they have 10 MB service I was able to watch some old TV episodes from Hulu.
The reunion was interesting. I was a geek in high school and really didn't have a lot of friends. I knew a lot of the people and of course you talk to them at school, but I didn't participate in the out of school activities such as field parties and the like. I enjoyed the seeing some of the people including my roommate from college, but I still managed to sit in the background most of the time. I had really wanted to be more outgoing, but it didn't happen. I skipped the football game on Friday night, but I did go to the picnic and the dinner on Saturday. I got to see a lot of my Facebook friends. When I got my Facebook account all these people I either didn't remember or didn't really associate with in high school wanted to be my friend. I was playing a lot of games on Facebook at the time and accepted--so I got to talk to see some of them and even talked to a couple. It was very interesting how people have matured--of course, I don't feel like I have matured at all.
I drove to my parents' and it is quite a long drive. I left on Friday after being at the club and stopped for the night around 3:00 AM and then started driving at 8:00 AM. I paid more than I wanted to, but at least there was a free breakfast included. Coming back home I drove all day Monday. I was a little concerned about the drive. I thought I would do a lot of thinking about things. I wasn't sure where my thoughts would go. Instead I ended up singing along with the music playing and pushing everything out of my mind. I am still not sure if that is good or bad, but in the end I arrived home safely--I was concerned that I might get overwhelmingly depressed and do something stupid.
While I was at my parents' I did some thinking about my situation. I am very frightened I am going to run out of money and I don't know what will happen. I keep hoping I win the lottery or something so that I don't have to worry about money. I am disappointed every time I don't win. I also keep hoping people will click on the advertisements on this blog, but according to Google Analytics nobody is visiting, so there is no money there. I know that I am going to have to get a job, but I don't know what I want to do. I have been doing some volunteering and I realize that I enjoy helping people, but I am scared to death about the whole job getting process. Getting a job needs to move up in priority on my list and yet here I am writing on a blog instead of updating my resume and sending it out.
The reunion was interesting. I was a geek in high school and really didn't have a lot of friends. I knew a lot of the people and of course you talk to them at school, but I didn't participate in the out of school activities such as field parties and the like. I enjoyed the seeing some of the people including my roommate from college, but I still managed to sit in the background most of the time. I had really wanted to be more outgoing, but it didn't happen. I skipped the football game on Friday night, but I did go to the picnic and the dinner on Saturday. I got to see a lot of my Facebook friends. When I got my Facebook account all these people I either didn't remember or didn't really associate with in high school wanted to be my friend. I was playing a lot of games on Facebook at the time and accepted--so I got to talk to see some of them and even talked to a couple. It was very interesting how people have matured--of course, I don't feel like I have matured at all.
I drove to my parents' and it is quite a long drive. I left on Friday after being at the club and stopped for the night around 3:00 AM and then started driving at 8:00 AM. I paid more than I wanted to, but at least there was a free breakfast included. Coming back home I drove all day Monday. I was a little concerned about the drive. I thought I would do a lot of thinking about things. I wasn't sure where my thoughts would go. Instead I ended up singing along with the music playing and pushing everything out of my mind. I am still not sure if that is good or bad, but in the end I arrived home safely--I was concerned that I might get overwhelmingly depressed and do something stupid.
While I was at my parents' I did some thinking about my situation. I am very frightened I am going to run out of money and I don't know what will happen. I keep hoping I win the lottery or something so that I don't have to worry about money. I am disappointed every time I don't win. I also keep hoping people will click on the advertisements on this blog, but according to Google Analytics nobody is visiting, so there is no money there. I know that I am going to have to get a job, but I don't know what I want to do. I have been doing some volunteering and I realize that I enjoy helping people, but I am scared to death about the whole job getting process. Getting a job needs to move up in priority on my list and yet here I am writing on a blog instead of updating my resume and sending it out.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
I had a pretty decent weekend. I went to the Renaissance Faire with a friend. Another friend was performing and she sang wonderfully. It was a great day to go to the fair since it had not rained for a while and the day was a little cool so that you weren't dripping with sweat the entire time. I actually bought a turkey leg while I was there. The joust was a little lame, but for a show it wasn't too bad.
That night I went and played Settlers of Catan with my Catan friends. We actually gt to games in--I won the first game. The second game seem to drag a little, but I had fun.
Sunday, the Rosary class went pretty well. We had some good discussion considering they were 3rd graders. When we split into groups to say the Rosary, some of the Dads struggled with it. I thought I would be leading a group, but in the end I wandered around to help the groups. It could have gone better, but it is Sunday school and expectations aren't really high. I was impressed when one of the kids told me that Mary did not die, but went straight to heaven--I wasn't sure 3rd graders would know that Mary ascended into heaven body and soul.
I continue to struggle with getting things done. I know I need to create a schedule, but I keep not doing it. Monday night I attended a resume workshop at the library--I feel like it was a small victory. This morning I went to volunteer, but the guy I work with was going out of town, so I only worked a couple of hours. I need to remember to log my time for that. I had rented Iron Man 2 from RedBox using a free code, so I watched it this afternoon instead of doing something. Catan was canceled and I thought I would use the extra time to do the things I didn't do earlier. Turns out I didn't. Anyhow it is late and I did not get anything of note done.
That night I went and played Settlers of Catan with my Catan friends. We actually gt to games in--I won the first game. The second game seem to drag a little, but I had fun.
Sunday, the Rosary class went pretty well. We had some good discussion considering they were 3rd graders. When we split into groups to say the Rosary, some of the Dads struggled with it. I thought I would be leading a group, but in the end I wandered around to help the groups. It could have gone better, but it is Sunday school and expectations aren't really high. I was impressed when one of the kids told me that Mary did not die, but went straight to heaven--I wasn't sure 3rd graders would know that Mary ascended into heaven body and soul.
I continue to struggle with getting things done. I know I need to create a schedule, but I keep not doing it. Monday night I attended a resume workshop at the library--I feel like it was a small victory. This morning I went to volunteer, but the guy I work with was going out of town, so I only worked a couple of hours. I need to remember to log my time for that. I had rented Iron Man 2 from RedBox using a free code, so I watched it this afternoon instead of doing something. Catan was canceled and I thought I would use the extra time to do the things I didn't do earlier. Turns out I didn't. Anyhow it is late and I did not get anything of note done.
Friday, October 01, 2010
I am at the library trying to fill some time after my ;psychologist appointment and before I go to the club without driving home and that much gas. In the course of the session, I decided I need to starting planning my day more and following a schedule to get things done. I should probably be starting a schedule now, but I am not.
I did get some things done today. I stopped by the Bernina store and asked them about some things for my sister. The saleswoman did not have all the answers, but she promised to get back to me. I also took some pictures of things I have embroidered to put up on a different website. I have been meaning to do that for a while and just didn't get around to it. Hopefully I will update the website after I finish the blog here. The only problem I have is that the library closes at 6:00 and I don't know if I will have enough time to accomplish everything.
I saw a post on Wil Wheaton going through the TrueDungeon at GenCon and man I am disappointed I didn't go. I would have like to meet Wil although I am not sure I would have said much or anything. I know some of my friends think he is pretty lame, but he is a geek icon. I wanted to create a Wesley Crushers bowling shirt like Sheldon had made on The Big Bang Theory with Moonpie as the name on the front. It would have been so cool to have embroidered it all and then gone to see Wil with it on. But, alas, I did none of these things. I still haven't made the shirt even though I think it would be cool.
I also managed to continue the process of closing down the corporation so soon I will no longer be a president of the corporation. I thought I would have more problems with this, but I haven't so far.
I still need to write up what I am going to do on Sunday. I would like to have the other teacher review it and give me feedback and I have stuff planned for tomorrow--I guess I will either get up early or stay up late. We'll see how it goes.
I did get some things done today. I stopped by the Bernina store and asked them about some things for my sister. The saleswoman did not have all the answers, but she promised to get back to me. I also took some pictures of things I have embroidered to put up on a different website. I have been meaning to do that for a while and just didn't get around to it. Hopefully I will update the website after I finish the blog here. The only problem I have is that the library closes at 6:00 and I don't know if I will have enough time to accomplish everything.
I saw a post on Wil Wheaton going through the TrueDungeon at GenCon and man I am disappointed I didn't go. I would have like to meet Wil although I am not sure I would have said much or anything. I know some of my friends think he is pretty lame, but he is a geek icon. I wanted to create a Wesley Crushers bowling shirt like Sheldon had made on The Big Bang Theory with Moonpie as the name on the front. It would have been so cool to have embroidered it all and then gone to see Wil with it on. But, alas, I did none of these things. I still haven't made the shirt even though I think it would be cool.
I also managed to continue the process of closing down the corporation so soon I will no longer be a president of the corporation. I thought I would have more problems with this, but I haven't so far.
I still need to write up what I am going to do on Sunday. I would like to have the other teacher review it and give me feedback and I have stuff planned for tomorrow--I guess I will either get up early or stay up late. We'll see how it goes.
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