I was reading a website on depression and I was amazed at how much it resonated with me.  I know I am depressed, but I thought that there might be something else.  I now wonder if I haven't been depressed for a good bit of my life.  One of the interesting things they talked about was how depression has risen so much since the 1940's and that it doesn't exist in certain societies such as the Amish.  They attributed this to modern society being more focussed on the self.  Amish view everything in a communal manner so that if one person is hurting they all help to make it better.  My biggest problem is that I feel pressure to conquer this by myself.  I have to do everything myself or I have to pay someone to do it.  I can't accept help from others.

Anyhow, another thing they mentioned was wondering about the purpose of life and thinking about death, not necessarily suicide but just dying in general.  I do think about dying a lot--either through an accident or from disease.  Sometimes it is not death, sometimes it is just injury or sickness that is debilitating.  I know it isn't healthy, but I am not sure what to do about it. I also have trouble focusing and the site mentioned that is a trait of depression--not being able to read or concentrate on a task.

Today I also made it out to the Bernina store to pick up some stuff for my sister. The people there are so nice and helpful.  Now that I seem to be going there on a regular basis they even recognize me.  I had my sister's sewing machine for several months and really didn't do anything with it.  I kept thinking I would take some lessons and make some things, but like everything else I kept putting it off until I gave it back.  I wish I could just get motivated.  At least I am getting few things off my list--still not the important things though. 

Tomorrow I signed up for a tour of the library and hopefully that will get me going on searching for a job.  I almost need a partner of some kind.  I wish I had it in me to ask people for help, but alas I do not.

I am hoping to get up early tomorrow, so that means going to bed somewhat early tonight.  The howl of the winds outside only echoed the tempest of thought.