I am very scared.  I had to pay some bills and the money in personal accounts is under $10,000.  Now i am panicked and don't know what to do.  I really want to just chuck everything and have no responsibility, but I don't know how to do that and I an too embarrassed to ask someone.  I really hate that so much stuff has to be over the telephone today.  I would much prefer to send an email or to talk to someone directly.  I don't know why I hate the telephone so much, but honestly I have even been having trouble sending email these days.

On Friday, my psychologist started talking about career counseling.  I really don't want career counseling from him--if he thinks I need some, I will want to see someone else.  I have a hard time believing a career counselor will really help me with my problems, but getting a job and making money would alleviate some of my stress.  I am afraid I would get into old habits and not change and wind up 60 years old wondering when I was going to start living my life and it being too late for some things.

Right now I am just procrastinating cleaning up my house for when the water guy comes early Tuesday morning.  There is a lot I need to do and I am not doing anything.  I also know I need to call the people who helped me incorporate tomorrow and also talk to the unemployment people.  I need to really make a decision about going forward with the franchise or end it.  The longer I put that off, the longer I will continue to drift and have all these anxiety feelings.  The biggest thing I need to do is call Homevestors and see what they would do with my house.  I would feel better if I could get out from under it.   I should really look at selling the timeshares as well, but for some reason I am not ready to do that.

I am trying to figure out how to get rid of Dr Who CCG cards, Young Jedi CCG cards (from Decipher), and the Middle Earth CCG cards (from ICE--Iron Crown Enterprises).  I really need to put them out on ebay, but again I am reluctant.  My reluctance is basically what people call laziness, but that is not the right term. 

I want to do these things, but emotionally I avoid them.  I am not sure why, other than it always seems to come down to not knowing how, fear of not doing it well, and not wanting people to help because I feel like I should know everything.  In a way, I feel like I have to be better than everyone else and if it will not look like that I just put on an air of arrogance and shrug it off as if it is beneath me.  That seems to be my defense mechanic.  It doesn't work in intimate relationships, which is why I really haven't had any.  I even treat my family this way, and I hate to do it, but I am blaming them for making me this way.  I have to believe it came from somewhere.  What I wonder is how come I am this way and nobody else is.  I have a plethora of brothers and sisters and I only have one sister who has never been married and never had children.

I really need to go clean and worry about my issues later.  Or probably while I am trying to clean and not doing it.