I have decided a big part of my problem is that I am not a risk taker.  I tried to be and it is debilitating.  I have always worried about everything and now it is worse because I have more to worry about.  I keep thinking I want to run from my responsibilities, but I don't know what I would do then.

Today, I went to church--I have been going on a regular basis for a while.  Anyhow today is the Vigil for the Assumption of the Virgin Mary.  I learned something new and that is that Mary was assumed into heaven body and soul-she was not entombed as there was no body.  Catholics believe in the intercession of saints and therefore pray to the saints to help in certain situations.  We also pray to Mary for intercession--there was a saying that whenever God closes a door, Mary opens a window.  Anyhow, it was a good sermon about Mary being the first to believe in Jesus and how she is the mother of the church.  Adoration of the Virgin Mary is mostly a Catholic thing--the priest said it was exclusive to Catholicism, but I am not sure if that is true.  In the past I have heard people say that Catholics worship Mary and the saints and this is not true.  We respect them and believe that the will intercede on our behalf and help us, but we don't believe they are gods.

As anybody who might read this blog knows, I am on a quest of self discovery and I am not liking what I am finding.  I want change, but I am reluctant to change.  I keep finding myself dreaming or fantasizing about things happening for me.  Each time it is a passive action on my part.  In none of my dreams am I the active person.  I dream of winning the lottery, my house being destroyed by a microburst, or even coming down with a serious disease.  All things that happen to me that allow to ignore something in my life.  Other times someone recognizes me from the club and wants me to dance with them or help teach dance class in a community or church program.  I want to volunteer and help people, but I fantasize that they will ask me to help, not that I go up and ask to help.  This is something I want to change and don't know how and use that as an excuse for not changing.  I can find an excuse for anything.

After church I made a chicken, rice and broccoli casserole and went to the social at the club.  There was next to nobody there and we did not dance at all.  I was going to try to be more outgoing and dance with more people, but alas it was not to be.  Next weekend some friends are having a pool party and I want to go and try to get in the water, but it is also when the Dark Sun campaign game day is being held.  I am hoping that maybe I can run a game.  If I get up the nerve I might send an email to the organizer to see if he will let me run the game and he can play.  I think he might go for it, but I am not sure.  Running the few Wednesday night encounters has been a lot of fun.  I would like to be an organizer for a small store, but I am too afraid to ask any store owners I know.

There is a job that I got in an email for an AS/400 COBOL programmer 6 month contract in Colorado.  I would like to send in a resume just to see what they would say.  What I am thinking--or fantasizing--is that if I could get enough money then I could get a furnished room using a site like roommates.com and get by pretty cheap so that I could afford to pay on my house here.  If the HomeVestors thing works out it would be even better.  It may just be a dream, because I can't seem to get myself to put together an appropriate resume and cover letter.  I got the email on Wednesday or Thursday and keep putting off the documentation thinking I can do it tomorrow.  I need to stop that and just do it, but that is so much easier to say than do--at least for me.  I feel like the cowardly lion looking for courage to do things I want to do.  If only it were as easy as having the wizard pin a medal on my chest.

Maybe I need to pray to Mary that I meet the wizard.