I woke up today and it was already 8:00 AM. After waking up early yesterday and getting quite a bit accomplished I was a little disappointed in myself. I ended going back to sleep on and off until about noon. When I got up, I immediately took a shower which it a bit unusual for me lately. I did play a few more games than I wanted, but eventually I left a message for Brad who brokered my franchise about stopping by. I was surprised that he never contacted me. That mystery was solved when I stopped by his storefront--he is at the national convention and won't be back until next week.
From there I went to the library. I played another quick game and checked a few things before I started adding to this blog for Sunday and yesterday. I was on a roll and did not realize how late it was getting. I was working on shutting down and heading out when Kelle called. Kelle is an old friend I used to work with. Her and her husband are both semi-retired even though they are both in their early forties. We talked for quite a while as I drove to Chick-Fil-A to pick up dinner and then on to Mike and Sue's where we were going to play our usual Tuesday night game of Settlers of Catan. I gave her an overview of my issues and she went on about some of her problems. Ever since I have known Kelle she has all the home projects that she starts and never finishes and she is still the same way. She was complaining about the stuff she had about and how hard it was to organize. I feel sympathy because I am sort of the same way. I just don't have a lot of projects. She talked so much I was a little late for the game. I was outside the house talking for at least 15 minutes. Had I known we were still waiting on Jeff, I probably wouldn't have been so concerned.
When I went inside I was surprised to find Sue and Mark still upstairs. Mike still wasn't home and Jeff had mot arrived--he was riding his bike over. Anyhow, Mark was a little upset because his Mom wanted him to come home--several states away--by Thursday. He already had a trip planned where he would be there next week. She has been having problems with dizziness and was waiting for a neighbor to come home to take her to the hospital. Mark was concerned, but he was trying very hard to be somewhat nonchalant about it. He was expressing a little bit of anger at his mother. During the game, he got a call from the neighbor who let him know what was happening. You could tell he was agitated during the call and immediate afterward got very angry and threw some things. As he stormed out of the basement, you could tell he was very upset and he said he was going home. Sue tried to convince him to stay and clam down, but he was insistent. We took him out of the game and continued playing. A few minutes later he came back because his phone--that he threw on the ground--was not working. Luckily we convinced him to stick around and Sue let him borrow her phone. We were all very worried about him driving in the state he was in. He played in the second game and was much calmer when we left.
The whole situation brought back memories of when I was told my brother was killed. I know I have mentioned this before, but I was so emotional that I was crying constantly. I had planned to leave right away and drive to my sister's house which was a couple hours away and then ride with her and her family to my parents around 10 hours away. My manager convinced me to fly home. He had our corporate travel agency book everything for me. Because the flight was not until the next morning, I was able to lie in bed for a few hours, calm down and get a grip. I was still emotional while driving to the airport--I was in Miami and this was the time when some tourists had been killed. I kept thinking--here it is 5 in the morning, it's tourist season in Florida and I am driving through downtown to the airport in a rental car which at that time had special license plates so everyone knew it was a rental. I remember thinking "Great. I am going to get killed in Miami and my parents are going to go over the edge." I made it home without issue, other than I arrived at the airport an hour before my flight and there was no one at the ticket counter. My manager was correct, it was much better for me to fly than to drive/ride with my sister. The only thing is that I don't remember being angry. I had a lot of emotions, but I don't really remember what those exact emotions were--I just remember the uncontrollable crying.
On Sunday my sister had said that her students had helped her to get through things. They asked her a lot of questions and made her talk about it. Of course they waited a week before they started asking any questions and was surprised by this. Anyhow, I remember talking a little bit to my manager and to Roland, but I am not sure I have ever really talked about it a lot with anyone. I actually went to a therapist, but I did not like the result and never went back. She gave me a lot of homework and then told me to call back for an appointment. While she probably didn't know it, but I had issues calling for the first appointment, there was no way I was doing that again.
I am glad that my current therapist didn't do that, but I am probably sticking with him, because of feeling an obligation even though I am concerned about whether I am really getting help. Of course, it may be me. I tend to hold things close and while I am trying to be open, I may not be doing as good a job as I think. Anyhow, I will have lots to say on Friday, and probably not even talk about a small percentage of it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Again I am posting the next day, so I turned back the clock so that I could arrange the posts chronological based on what happened on a particular day.
Monday was an interesting day. I Ihad a lot of things to do. I needed to talk to the telemarketer, I needed to deal with my bank moving from Wachovia to Wells Fargo. And there were a few other small things. I woke early and just didn't feel tired. I got up and took care of a few things. After lunch I called a psychic I had found on-line. I was very surprised when she say she could see me that afternoon. I went ahead and made an appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was hoping for some kind of revelation or at least the winning lottery numbers.
Arachne uses Tarot cards as her tool to get in touch with whatever it is psychics get in touch with. She did an upside down pyramid formation. The first four card represented my past. The four cards were supposed to tell my spiritual, emotional, intellectual and behavioral situation. I can't exactly remember all the cards, but it was a deck of her own making. It was not what I expected. Anyhow, it turns out that I was/is emotionally out of whack. The emotional card was upside down which I can't exactly remember what she said about it other than it was out of whack. She also said that my intellectual side was very well used and the rest needed to be brought into harmony. I remember one of the card was a child's tricycle with books for wheels. There was also an egg shell with a hole in it and lightning or electrical forces inside. I talked with her for a while and there were some interesting things she said. One of the things is that she thinks I should look at getting back on unemployment and that I should have never stopped--this makes me wonder if she see financial issue ahead or if she picked up on my concerns about finances. She was also concerned that I don't remember a lot about my childhood and thinks that could hold the key to my issues. She was definitely a fan of the it takes time and you need to chip away at it type mentality. She wanted me to do three major things: 1. she wanted me to go riding on a bike for at least an hour to let my mind work while my body was working. 2. she wanted me to get a punching bag and hit it once a day at the same time everyday to release the anger I have been suppressing. 3. she wants me to volunteer my time and she suggested Big Brother. She felt that working with a child would bring me more fulfillment. I do not know if I will do them, but I am thinking about it.
After I went to Sam's for some bread and milk, I went home. I was watching TV and playing games and thought about trying to find my Central Casting book which I keep thinking is Heroes of Legend, but I am not sure. I went through the closet and separated all the magazine and the old D&D stuff. So now I have a stack of Dragon, Dungeon, Lego, and Men's Health magazines--and I don't know what to do with them. I am thinking I will just recycle them, but part of me wonders if Dragon or Dungeon magazines are worth anything. At some point I went through and paid some bills and that really made me depressed as I looked at where I am financially. I keep telling people that it is better than it is. It wouldn't be bad at all if I would work at getting some clients instead of trying decide if I want to close up after a few months of not doing anything. I ended up taking some sleep aids and anti-anxiety medication to get to sleep.
Monday was an interesting day. I Ihad a lot of things to do. I needed to talk to the telemarketer, I needed to deal with my bank moving from Wachovia to Wells Fargo. And there were a few other small things. I woke early and just didn't feel tired. I got up and took care of a few things. After lunch I called a psychic I had found on-line. I was very surprised when she say she could see me that afternoon. I went ahead and made an appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was hoping for some kind of revelation or at least the winning lottery numbers.
Arachne uses Tarot cards as her tool to get in touch with whatever it is psychics get in touch with. She did an upside down pyramid formation. The first four card represented my past. The four cards were supposed to tell my spiritual, emotional, intellectual and behavioral situation. I can't exactly remember all the cards, but it was a deck of her own making. It was not what I expected. Anyhow, it turns out that I was/is emotionally out of whack. The emotional card was upside down which I can't exactly remember what she said about it other than it was out of whack. She also said that my intellectual side was very well used and the rest needed to be brought into harmony. I remember one of the card was a child's tricycle with books for wheels. There was also an egg shell with a hole in it and lightning or electrical forces inside. I talked with her for a while and there were some interesting things she said. One of the things is that she thinks I should look at getting back on unemployment and that I should have never stopped--this makes me wonder if she see financial issue ahead or if she picked up on my concerns about finances. She was also concerned that I don't remember a lot about my childhood and thinks that could hold the key to my issues. She was definitely a fan of the it takes time and you need to chip away at it type mentality. She wanted me to do three major things: 1. she wanted me to go riding on a bike for at least an hour to let my mind work while my body was working. 2. she wanted me to get a punching bag and hit it once a day at the same time everyday to release the anger I have been suppressing. 3. she wants me to volunteer my time and she suggested Big Brother. She felt that working with a child would bring me more fulfillment. I do not know if I will do them, but I am thinking about it.
After I went to Sam's for some bread and milk, I went home. I was watching TV and playing games and thought about trying to find my Central Casting book which I keep thinking is Heroes of Legend, but I am not sure. I went through the closet and separated all the magazine and the old D&D stuff. So now I have a stack of Dragon, Dungeon, Lego, and Men's Health magazines--and I don't know what to do with them. I am thinking I will just recycle them, but part of me wonders if Dragon or Dungeon magazines are worth anything. At some point I went through and paid some bills and that really made me depressed as I looked at where I am financially. I keep telling people that it is better than it is. It wouldn't be bad at all if I would work at getting some clients instead of trying decide if I want to close up after a few months of not doing anything. I ended up taking some sleep aids and anti-anxiety medication to get to sleep.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This post is mostly about Sunday, so I changed the date even though I am writing this on Tuesday.
This morning was very difficult, I awoke frightened with my heart racing and my pillow and sheets drenched with sweat. I was feeling like a failure which I am doing at a more frequent rate. I just kept thinking what would happen if I closed down the business. The big problem is that I don't know and yet I am so willing to do it. I keep speculating on whether it would drive me broke or not. I know that severing the relationship with the franchiser is the easy part. The hard part is what I need to do with the corporation I created. Is there a way to close it down? Since I used my 401K, am I going to have to pay penalties and taxes on the money I put into the business? How much would that be and do I have enough to cover it? I also keep thinking of dumping the house by calling Homevestors. The problem there is whether I will get enough money to cover what I owe on the house. I have about 30-40K in equity if I can believe the people who send me fliers on how the houses are selling in my neighborhood. The house needs some work, but there are a lot of things I have down to it. My biggest concern there is how to get rid of the stuff in the house. Do I have a big garage sale? Do I try to sell the stuff on ebay ot Craigs List. I am not good at these things and I don't know that I will ask anyone for help.
I turned on the TV and started flipping through channels. I watched several things before I found Backdraft with Kurt Russell and one of the Baldwin brothers. The first time I saw this movie, I bawled like a baby at the end with the long procession of firemen walking through the streets--it reminded me a lot of my brother's funeral. Then they cut to Kurt Russell's son holding Baldwin's hand (his uncle) as they walked in the procession. I lost it at that point wondering who would be the father figure in my nephew's life and wishing I had that kind of relationship with my nephew. When I saw the movie on Sunday, the same kinds of feelings cam back and the water flowed from my eyes. I didn't really bawl like before, but I definitely cried. I realized that I don't cry much anymore, I always hold it back. Like at Toy Story 3 a few weeks ago. I was there with some good friends and their kids. There was some really touching parts in the movie and I barely held it together--their second oldest son however could not and I think it embarrassed him. I was good and didn't say a thing to him, although I did tell his parents later. Anyhow, I seem to be able to get sad at movies and my eyes water up, but I don't really cry. I remember when I was told that my brother had been shot and was dead and I cried so much that night. I was on a business trip and had no one really to talk to. My manager was really good and helped me get a flight home. He had been on a business trip some where else. I couldn't get a hold of any of the managers with me because they were all out partying. I got a really early fight for the next morning and tried to go back to sleep. I could stop crying for periods, but every time I started talking to someone, I was done for. Anyhow, I was kind of glad that I could dry, but it did not bring a feeling of release when I was done. It seemed more superficial.
I managed to get out of bed and get something to eat. I kept thinking I would go but lottery tickets, but I did not. I talked to my Dad later, before Mom got home. He is sounding kind of old and is having some problems. He had fallen some time and scraped himself up. He put some bandages on and called it good. Evidently, it got infected a little and wouldn't heal. When he finally saw a doctor, they gave him an antibiotic. Dad had prostate cancer and just finished radiation treatments. He is supposed to have a radioactive seed put into the gland in the next week or so. He won't be able to do that if he has an infection. Dad has never really gone to the doctor when he hurts himself--he puts a bandage on it and calls it good. Maybe that is part of the reason I can't ask people for help. I talked to Mom for a bit and I know everyone is concerned and wishes they could help. I just don't know what they can do. I would kind of like to have a cleaning party at my house where they help me get rid of stuff either by selling it or throwing it away.
I talked with my sister afterward for a very long time. She had a good week with some of my nieces and one of my grand-nieces. As we talked I realized more and more that I would like to be closer to home so that I could be a part of these children's lives since I never had children of my own. It is the same feeling I had about my friends' kids and why I wished they had never moved up north. We talked about a lot of things including Dad and what I should do. She thinks I should be some kind of teacher and wants me to substitute. I looked into briefly once before and it looks like you need some kind of certification, but I did not look into what exactly the certification is. I do everything half way which is the lie I am living. I always convince people I have done what I need to, or at least I convince myself. It is like when I bought the franchise--I really didn't do the homework I needed to. I still have yet to speak to another franchisee other than Mike that was in training with me and I haven't spoken to him since the training. My therapist says lazy is a perception, but that is the negative perception I have about myself.
Anyhow, my sister and I talked a little about our childhoods and mine was definitely different from hers. Part of it is that I don't remember being poor, but I also don't remember us being rich. We always had the necessities and then some. I always had new clothes for school and we always had food to eat and we always had a decent place to live--in the last house there was even a swimming pool. On the other side, very rarely did I ever get something I wanted. I never got the coolest toys or anything. But it didn't seem to matter too much. I think I kept my disappointment bottled inside. There was one time in high school, we had gone shopping for suits for some reason, and my Mom bought me a really nice coat. I was expecting to see it under the tree, but instead she gave it to me from Santa Claus. I was so distraught Christmas Eve to not get the coat and for some reason even more upset when it came the next morning from Santa. Anyhow I am off the topic again. My sister and I talked and I mentioned I wanted to see a psychic and she thought it would be a good idea.
I was terrified in the morning and was feeling a little better in the evening, but it was still very difficult to sleep. I have been taking way too many sleep aids in my opinion. But I took them nonetheless since the next day was Monday and I had some things I needed to do.
This morning was very difficult, I awoke frightened with my heart racing and my pillow and sheets drenched with sweat. I was feeling like a failure which I am doing at a more frequent rate. I just kept thinking what would happen if I closed down the business. The big problem is that I don't know and yet I am so willing to do it. I keep speculating on whether it would drive me broke or not. I know that severing the relationship with the franchiser is the easy part. The hard part is what I need to do with the corporation I created. Is there a way to close it down? Since I used my 401K, am I going to have to pay penalties and taxes on the money I put into the business? How much would that be and do I have enough to cover it? I also keep thinking of dumping the house by calling Homevestors. The problem there is whether I will get enough money to cover what I owe on the house. I have about 30-40K in equity if I can believe the people who send me fliers on how the houses are selling in my neighborhood. The house needs some work, but there are a lot of things I have down to it. My biggest concern there is how to get rid of the stuff in the house. Do I have a big garage sale? Do I try to sell the stuff on ebay ot Craigs List. I am not good at these things and I don't know that I will ask anyone for help.
I turned on the TV and started flipping through channels. I watched several things before I found Backdraft with Kurt Russell and one of the Baldwin brothers. The first time I saw this movie, I bawled like a baby at the end with the long procession of firemen walking through the streets--it reminded me a lot of my brother's funeral. Then they cut to Kurt Russell's son holding Baldwin's hand (his uncle) as they walked in the procession. I lost it at that point wondering who would be the father figure in my nephew's life and wishing I had that kind of relationship with my nephew. When I saw the movie on Sunday, the same kinds of feelings cam back and the water flowed from my eyes. I didn't really bawl like before, but I definitely cried. I realized that I don't cry much anymore, I always hold it back. Like at Toy Story 3 a few weeks ago. I was there with some good friends and their kids. There was some really touching parts in the movie and I barely held it together--their second oldest son however could not and I think it embarrassed him. I was good and didn't say a thing to him, although I did tell his parents later. Anyhow, I seem to be able to get sad at movies and my eyes water up, but I don't really cry. I remember when I was told that my brother had been shot and was dead and I cried so much that night. I was on a business trip and had no one really to talk to. My manager was really good and helped me get a flight home. He had been on a business trip some where else. I couldn't get a hold of any of the managers with me because they were all out partying. I got a really early fight for the next morning and tried to go back to sleep. I could stop crying for periods, but every time I started talking to someone, I was done for. Anyhow, I was kind of glad that I could dry, but it did not bring a feeling of release when I was done. It seemed more superficial.
I managed to get out of bed and get something to eat. I kept thinking I would go but lottery tickets, but I did not. I talked to my Dad later, before Mom got home. He is sounding kind of old and is having some problems. He had fallen some time and scraped himself up. He put some bandages on and called it good. Evidently, it got infected a little and wouldn't heal. When he finally saw a doctor, they gave him an antibiotic. Dad had prostate cancer and just finished radiation treatments. He is supposed to have a radioactive seed put into the gland in the next week or so. He won't be able to do that if he has an infection. Dad has never really gone to the doctor when he hurts himself--he puts a bandage on it and calls it good. Maybe that is part of the reason I can't ask people for help. I talked to Mom for a bit and I know everyone is concerned and wishes they could help. I just don't know what they can do. I would kind of like to have a cleaning party at my house where they help me get rid of stuff either by selling it or throwing it away.
I talked with my sister afterward for a very long time. She had a good week with some of my nieces and one of my grand-nieces. As we talked I realized more and more that I would like to be closer to home so that I could be a part of these children's lives since I never had children of my own. It is the same feeling I had about my friends' kids and why I wished they had never moved up north. We talked about a lot of things including Dad and what I should do. She thinks I should be some kind of teacher and wants me to substitute. I looked into briefly once before and it looks like you need some kind of certification, but I did not look into what exactly the certification is. I do everything half way which is the lie I am living. I always convince people I have done what I need to, or at least I convince myself. It is like when I bought the franchise--I really didn't do the homework I needed to. I still have yet to speak to another franchisee other than Mike that was in training with me and I haven't spoken to him since the training. My therapist says lazy is a perception, but that is the negative perception I have about myself.
Anyhow, my sister and I talked a little about our childhoods and mine was definitely different from hers. Part of it is that I don't remember being poor, but I also don't remember us being rich. We always had the necessities and then some. I always had new clothes for school and we always had food to eat and we always had a decent place to live--in the last house there was even a swimming pool. On the other side, very rarely did I ever get something I wanted. I never got the coolest toys or anything. But it didn't seem to matter too much. I think I kept my disappointment bottled inside. There was one time in high school, we had gone shopping for suits for some reason, and my Mom bought me a really nice coat. I was expecting to see it under the tree, but instead she gave it to me from Santa Claus. I was so distraught Christmas Eve to not get the coat and for some reason even more upset when it came the next morning from Santa. Anyhow I am off the topic again. My sister and I talked and I mentioned I wanted to see a psychic and she thought it would be a good idea.
I was terrified in the morning and was feeling a little better in the evening, but it was still very difficult to sleep. I have been taking way too many sleep aids in my opinion. But I took them nonetheless since the next day was Monday and I had some things I needed to do.
It is late and I am tired, but I feel the need to document some things that happened today. First I stayed up too late last night after the party watching The Big Bang Theory reruns I had recorded. They were very funny, but I wasn't feeling very tired and needed something to lighten my mood. I danced at the dance, but only with certain people--I danced more, but with nobody I was not familiar with. I was shaky during dinner with a friend, because I was worried he would want to talk about my work and it isn't going anywhere, and I am avoiding it. I got through dinner and did well at the club as far as anxiety goes. Being behind the bar, people can't chat with you long.
I did not take a sleep aid, since I had taken one for the past week--I took them all last weekend because I was at the lake with friends and wanted to be on a schedule. I had a restless night and woke several time dripping with sweat. I also had heartburn that felt a little better after a few draughts of water. I also had a weird dream that I can't quite recall, but my friends' kids were in a house that I felt belonged to my aunt and uncle. I think there were some other kids there, and I was trying to fix them food. There was also several "scenes" with swarms of flies and small yellow birds. It was weird and I don't remember it all.
I managed to unload the dishwasher and load what dirty dishes I had into it. I also was able to put away some laundry that had been in the basket and dryer for a while--more than a couple of weeks. I was very pleased to be able to do something. Hopefully, I will be able to do some more tomorrow.
I went to church for the Saturday evening mass and I had several small anxiety attacks. I was thinking about the business and asking for a little devine inspiration, but also part of it that I still don't feel comfortable in mass. I am always worried what the people around me are thinking of me and once I felt like I was sweating it got worse. For some reason I think I feel a little more at ease in the crowded Sunday morning mass than at the less crowded Saturday mass. I wonder if that is because I have gone to the Sunday morning mass the most. I got some envelopes for the offering, but I did not use them. I am not sure why since they know everything from the check except the number they have assigned me. It just felt more intimate somehow. I am not sure if intimate is the right word, but it is close.
After mass I had some food and then went to another friend's half birthday party. He has taken to celebrating his half-birthday because it is in the middle of summer and he can do different things. He had three bands scheduled and I left in the middle of the second, because the people I was sitting with were leaving. I had taken an anxiety pill before heading to the party which was downtown. I was able to talk with a friend's wife about my problems somewhat easily, but as the night drew on I had more difficulty. Part of that also is that she seemed very sympathetic and did not appear to judge, while I felt the other friends would judge me and tell me to keep at it. I was able to dodge the conversation for the most part, but the thought that it might come up again always loomed in my mind. The first band was good--it was a cabaret style band so it was a bit racy. Luckily I was surrounded by my friends so the singer could not come up to me. It happened the last time I saw the band, and I think I would have a harder time keeping myself together right now.
Driving home I thought about blogging what had happened today and I also thought about telling a female friend about my secret. I have two that I would like to tell, but I don't think they are getting along, so I can't tell them together. I also want to make sure they will keep it a secret. The last time a told a female, she talked to my best friend and his wife about it. I had not disclosed the information to them and we really haven't talked about it--I just know they know.
I was also thinking about how I have always not liked to have my shirt off. When I was in 4th or 5th grade my Mom had signed me up for AYA basketball--AYA was an youth group on the base where Dad was stationed. Anyhow, they would always do shirts and skins and I refused to be skins. It looks like I had a poor body image way back then. I wonder if it had to do with Mom buying me husky pants, while both my brothers got slims. I always felt like a fat little kid, even though I really wasn't. Even when I lost a lot of weight in high school and was wearing 27 inch waist pants, I felt unattractive. The only time I was without my shirt was when I was in the pool teaching or swimming. I would put a shirt on as soon as I got out of the pool. I also did not like tank tops for some reason and had a problem when Mom got tank top shirts one summer for the guards. I almost never wore mine, I always wore one of the shirts from the previous year.
Now I look at myself and I am short, fat and bald. The irony is that I have hair everywhere else which I really don't like. I do not like to see hair on other peoples backs and shoulders and hate it even more on me. I had it waxed for a while, but it is very expensive. It took a lot for me to go to the anesthician, but I really liked the experience. The little bit of pain was almost enjoyable in a weird way. I was so relaxed on the table and just let the pain go most of the time. Anyhow, I also have a lot of scars from acne on my upper arms, shoulders and chest--of course it doesn't help that constantly picking at my scabs and skin. I probably notice them more than other people would if they ever saw them. I am also very pale since I wear a shirt all the time. I think this would turn women off because I don't like it.
Anyhow the computer battery is low so good night.
I did not take a sleep aid, since I had taken one for the past week--I took them all last weekend because I was at the lake with friends and wanted to be on a schedule. I had a restless night and woke several time dripping with sweat. I also had heartburn that felt a little better after a few draughts of water. I also had a weird dream that I can't quite recall, but my friends' kids were in a house that I felt belonged to my aunt and uncle. I think there were some other kids there, and I was trying to fix them food. There was also several "scenes" with swarms of flies and small yellow birds. It was weird and I don't remember it all.
I managed to unload the dishwasher and load what dirty dishes I had into it. I also was able to put away some laundry that had been in the basket and dryer for a while--more than a couple of weeks. I was very pleased to be able to do something. Hopefully, I will be able to do some more tomorrow.
I went to church for the Saturday evening mass and I had several small anxiety attacks. I was thinking about the business and asking for a little devine inspiration, but also part of it that I still don't feel comfortable in mass. I am always worried what the people around me are thinking of me and once I felt like I was sweating it got worse. For some reason I think I feel a little more at ease in the crowded Sunday morning mass than at the less crowded Saturday mass. I wonder if that is because I have gone to the Sunday morning mass the most. I got some envelopes for the offering, but I did not use them. I am not sure why since they know everything from the check except the number they have assigned me. It just felt more intimate somehow. I am not sure if intimate is the right word, but it is close.
After mass I had some food and then went to another friend's half birthday party. He has taken to celebrating his half-birthday because it is in the middle of summer and he can do different things. He had three bands scheduled and I left in the middle of the second, because the people I was sitting with were leaving. I had taken an anxiety pill before heading to the party which was downtown. I was able to talk with a friend's wife about my problems somewhat easily, but as the night drew on I had more difficulty. Part of that also is that she seemed very sympathetic and did not appear to judge, while I felt the other friends would judge me and tell me to keep at it. I was able to dodge the conversation for the most part, but the thought that it might come up again always loomed in my mind. The first band was good--it was a cabaret style band so it was a bit racy. Luckily I was surrounded by my friends so the singer could not come up to me. It happened the last time I saw the band, and I think I would have a harder time keeping myself together right now.
Driving home I thought about blogging what had happened today and I also thought about telling a female friend about my secret. I have two that I would like to tell, but I don't think they are getting along, so I can't tell them together. I also want to make sure they will keep it a secret. The last time a told a female, she talked to my best friend and his wife about it. I had not disclosed the information to them and we really haven't talked about it--I just know they know.
I was also thinking about how I have always not liked to have my shirt off. When I was in 4th or 5th grade my Mom had signed me up for AYA basketball--AYA was an youth group on the base where Dad was stationed. Anyhow, they would always do shirts and skins and I refused to be skins. It looks like I had a poor body image way back then. I wonder if it had to do with Mom buying me husky pants, while both my brothers got slims. I always felt like a fat little kid, even though I really wasn't. Even when I lost a lot of weight in high school and was wearing 27 inch waist pants, I felt unattractive. The only time I was without my shirt was when I was in the pool teaching or swimming. I would put a shirt on as soon as I got out of the pool. I also did not like tank tops for some reason and had a problem when Mom got tank top shirts one summer for the guards. I almost never wore mine, I always wore one of the shirts from the previous year.
Now I look at myself and I am short, fat and bald. The irony is that I have hair everywhere else which I really don't like. I do not like to see hair on other peoples backs and shoulders and hate it even more on me. I had it waxed for a while, but it is very expensive. It took a lot for me to go to the anesthician, but I really liked the experience. The little bit of pain was almost enjoyable in a weird way. I was so relaxed on the table and just let the pain go most of the time. Anyhow, I also have a lot of scars from acne on my upper arms, shoulders and chest--of course it doesn't help that constantly picking at my scabs and skin. I probably notice them more than other people would if they ever saw them. I am also very pale since I wear a shirt all the time. I think this would turn women off because I don't like it.
Anyhow the computer battery is low so good night.
Friday, July 23, 2010
I went to my psychologist today and he expressed that he was having difficulty determining what my problem was as much as I was. He was wondering if he should refer me to someone else, but he was concerned that they would not do any better. He feels some responsibility for me and wants to help me before I ruin myself financially. I feel confident that I would never ruin myself financially, but it could happen.
We had a good discussion, but I am also frustrated that I feel we are not making any progress. He wanted to assign me homework, but I am not sure if he did. The mission--should I accept it--is to figure out what secrets I am trying to keep from everybody. My problem is that there are so many that I don't know where to go. They range from the big secret to a whole bunch of others. I am not sure I am ready to talk about the big secret. There are only a few people in the world who know my big secret, but there are others who probably could guess. I should ask some of them that I really trust--OK maybe just one of them.
The second biggest is that I don't really tell the factual truth all the time. I tried to get that across today without saying I lie all the time. You can't tell from this blog, but I am a pretty smart guy and have a lot of training in languages, from people languages (I am not sure what to call them) to computer languages. My study of different languages gives me a good perspective on how to use words. Also, I was a military brat and I feel very strongly that the exposure to other cultures also has given me insight into how people think. I have always prided myself on being able to communicate with both the user's and the programmer's. While they all generally speak English, the are subtleties to how they use the language to convey their thoughts. There are also "cultural" differences where the programmer assumes certain thing that the user is completely unaware of. Anyhow we discussed this and that I tend to use my words to express what I think the listener wants to hear. I wonder if that is why I have a hard time talking to strangers--I don't know want they want to hear and I can't customize the conversation for them. Maybe it is also why I can function much better in circumstances where I am fully aware of all aspects of what is being discussed and have a clear understanding of what I needs to happen. Social Anxiety just doesn't seem to be the problem to me, it is a label based on a few symptoms.
We talked some more about the avoidance thing and I am not sure if I am AvPD or if most of the symptoms fit my issue. We did seem to narrow it down to me not being able to do things. I need to think about this from a different perspective and try to understand what I am feeling and not what is happening. Part of my problem is that I don't think I feel much of anything, but when I look at me from an outside perspective, I disagree--I think I am feeling lots of things, they just aren't what I want to feel. It is like right now. I am typing into this blog when in the back of my mind I feel like I should be doing something more important and more productive--productive to what end I am not exactly sure. This blog is actually kind of therapeutic so it doesn't bother me as much. However before I started on this post, I posted to another blog I am starting that I actually hope people read. While I was posting there was a feeling of relief that I was actually doing something about that blog and being somewhat productive.
I am at the library, because I didn't want to go all the way back home and then back to this area of town to meet a friend for dinner and then go to the club. I figured out long ago that I like to bartend at the club so that I can hide and not have to dance as much. It is not that I don't enjoy dancing--I really do, it is that I am not always sure my partner is enjoying themselves. I am worried that they will judge me. I think I have said all this before. Anyhow, being at the library has brought me a little bit of clarity. Instead of playing games and flipping through channels on the TV, I am posting to blogs. I do not have a strong urge to play game, but it is tugging at me in the back of my mind.
Back to the issue of me not doing stuff. Part of it is that I feel like if I can do whatever, I should be able to do something more important. I am still not sure that is a good explanation for not doing laundry or the dishes. For those two activities I think about the time it will take to do them and think that I don't want to take the time right now because maybe I will want to do something else or that I can do them later. When I am sitting on the couch, I think I should go upstairs and do the dishes. I then start flipping the channels on the TV or start playing a game on the computer--or sometimes even surfing for nothing. Even when I am playing a game I will flip through the channels. I get bored easily with a task on want to move on to something else. I am completely ignoring important "business tasks"--I am not sure what I am thinking. I feel guilty when I do think about not doing them and that guilt can be intense and instead I try to distract myself by playing a game or watching TV. These activities seem to be able to push the other ones out of my mind.
I have been avoiding my work phone for ever. My payroll provider should be calling me for payroll and I still won't answer the phone. I really need to add Caller ID to that phone--I didn't think I would need it, I had a fantasy about answering the phone when I was there and people leaving messages when I was not. I need to make a decision on how to proceed, but I need to talk to a lot of people to figure out how to dismantle this thing. In addition, I don't know what it will cost me and where will I get money from afterwards. There is another fantasy where I sell a bunch of the crap in my house and then sell my house to Homevesters. The selling to Homevesters might actually be something I could do since it is one call to start the ball rolling and I assume they will spearhead it from there--I don't know if I would get enough money to pay off all I won on the house. I just think about emptying the house and I go back to the can't thing. I am going to try to put selling my CDs and DVDs on my list of things to do. I don't know if I can do it, but if I can that would be a bunch of crap gone.
We had a good discussion, but I am also frustrated that I feel we are not making any progress. He wanted to assign me homework, but I am not sure if he did. The mission--should I accept it--is to figure out what secrets I am trying to keep from everybody. My problem is that there are so many that I don't know where to go. They range from the big secret to a whole bunch of others. I am not sure I am ready to talk about the big secret. There are only a few people in the world who know my big secret, but there are others who probably could guess. I should ask some of them that I really trust--OK maybe just one of them.
The second biggest is that I don't really tell the factual truth all the time. I tried to get that across today without saying I lie all the time. You can't tell from this blog, but I am a pretty smart guy and have a lot of training in languages, from people languages (I am not sure what to call them) to computer languages. My study of different languages gives me a good perspective on how to use words. Also, I was a military brat and I feel very strongly that the exposure to other cultures also has given me insight into how people think. I have always prided myself on being able to communicate with both the user's and the programmer's. While they all generally speak English, the are subtleties to how they use the language to convey their thoughts. There are also "cultural" differences where the programmer assumes certain thing that the user is completely unaware of. Anyhow we discussed this and that I tend to use my words to express what I think the listener wants to hear. I wonder if that is why I have a hard time talking to strangers--I don't know want they want to hear and I can't customize the conversation for them. Maybe it is also why I can function much better in circumstances where I am fully aware of all aspects of what is being discussed and have a clear understanding of what I needs to happen. Social Anxiety just doesn't seem to be the problem to me, it is a label based on a few symptoms.
We talked some more about the avoidance thing and I am not sure if I am AvPD or if most of the symptoms fit my issue. We did seem to narrow it down to me not being able to do things. I need to think about this from a different perspective and try to understand what I am feeling and not what is happening. Part of my problem is that I don't think I feel much of anything, but when I look at me from an outside perspective, I disagree--I think I am feeling lots of things, they just aren't what I want to feel. It is like right now. I am typing into this blog when in the back of my mind I feel like I should be doing something more important and more productive--productive to what end I am not exactly sure. This blog is actually kind of therapeutic so it doesn't bother me as much. However before I started on this post, I posted to another blog I am starting that I actually hope people read. While I was posting there was a feeling of relief that I was actually doing something about that blog and being somewhat productive.
I am at the library, because I didn't want to go all the way back home and then back to this area of town to meet a friend for dinner and then go to the club. I figured out long ago that I like to bartend at the club so that I can hide and not have to dance as much. It is not that I don't enjoy dancing--I really do, it is that I am not always sure my partner is enjoying themselves. I am worried that they will judge me. I think I have said all this before. Anyhow, being at the library has brought me a little bit of clarity. Instead of playing games and flipping through channels on the TV, I am posting to blogs. I do not have a strong urge to play game, but it is tugging at me in the back of my mind.
Back to the issue of me not doing stuff. Part of it is that I feel like if I can do whatever, I should be able to do something more important. I am still not sure that is a good explanation for not doing laundry or the dishes. For those two activities I think about the time it will take to do them and think that I don't want to take the time right now because maybe I will want to do something else or that I can do them later. When I am sitting on the couch, I think I should go upstairs and do the dishes. I then start flipping the channels on the TV or start playing a game on the computer--or sometimes even surfing for nothing. Even when I am playing a game I will flip through the channels. I get bored easily with a task on want to move on to something else. I am completely ignoring important "business tasks"--I am not sure what I am thinking. I feel guilty when I do think about not doing them and that guilt can be intense and instead I try to distract myself by playing a game or watching TV. These activities seem to be able to push the other ones out of my mind.
I have been avoiding my work phone for ever. My payroll provider should be calling me for payroll and I still won't answer the phone. I really need to add Caller ID to that phone--I didn't think I would need it, I had a fantasy about answering the phone when I was there and people leaving messages when I was not. I need to make a decision on how to proceed, but I need to talk to a lot of people to figure out how to dismantle this thing. In addition, I don't know what it will cost me and where will I get money from afterwards. There is another fantasy where I sell a bunch of the crap in my house and then sell my house to Homevesters. The selling to Homevesters might actually be something I could do since it is one call to start the ball rolling and I assume they will spearhead it from there--I don't know if I would get enough money to pay off all I won on the house. I just think about emptying the house and I go back to the can't thing. I am going to try to put selling my CDs and DVDs on my list of things to do. I don't know if I can do it, but if I can that would be a bunch of crap gone.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Today is not exactly a good day. I managed to get out of bed at a reasonable hour and I sent an email to my one and only client indicating that I might not be continuing in this business and that he should take some steps to avoid an increase in his telecommunications charges. Other than that I keep thinking about how I am going to live the rest of my life.
Because I bought the franchise and used my 401K to do it, I do not know how to exit the business and I am afraid there are huge costs associated with exiting. i still don't want to get a job or at least a real job that requires me to do a lot of thinking. Honestly, if I got a job I think I would preform that job as well as possible, but I wonder if what I am experiencing now would continue and interfere with my performance. I have had thoughts of selling all my stuff including my house and finding a cheap place to live here--either with a friend who is renting out part of her house or with someone else. While it sounds like a good idea, I am afraid that I would have too many privacy issues to actually follow through.
The thought of selling all my toys has appeal right now because they just sit there gathering dust. My problem is that I don't want to go through the work to sell them. I thought about having a garage sale, but I worry that I will not get as much money plus I could never do it at my house and transporting all the junk somewhere else is problematic. I think of the things I either want to keep or want to give to specific people. My family has difficulties getting rid of stuff--my parents' house is packed fairly tightly with stuff. Mom has filled every closet and under every bed and Dad just stacks stuff where ever there is room. Dad has a large shop where his business only requires about an eighth of the floor space--the rest is packed with junk from the house. My house is not quite that bad, but my bedroom is absolutely horrible. I keep moving everything there on the rare occasions someone visits.
I wonder if I would be any happier in that type of life. I would have less financial stress, but that doesn't necessarily mean I would be happier.
I thought maybe this week I would actually call the telemarketer that the franchiser wants me to call, but I can't seem to get the nerve. It is like I want to fail. I mean I have given up already without really giving it the try I planned to when I bought the franchise. Just like a lot of things in my life, I had a fantasy and then when it started going wrong I just abandoned it instead of trying to make it work.
I have also been looking at lot of websites about Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the posts and I keep thinking, this isn't me maybe I am not AvPD. I look at the symptoms and signs and I think this is me, but the people talking on the message boards do not seem like me. For one, I am surprised how many are married and have kids. Maybe AvPD developed later or somehow they got through the close personal relationship thing. Maybe their partners were more aggressive when trying to have a relationship with these people. Also, the don't seem to have any friends. I have friends and I do things with them on a regular basis. I make new friends through them and my circle grows. The parts that fit the diagnosis are that when I lose a friend I don't worry about it too much unless they were one of the few close friends, I will sometimes say mean things to friends--I don't know if I am testing their friendship or trying to push them away, and finally even my close personal friends do not know the real me. I have kept a lot of things hidden in my private life from friends and family. This is one reason I don't like people to visit my house. Also, there are times when I fantasize about my different groups of friends coming together, but in reality I do not want that because I am afraid they will compare notes and figure me out. Many of them also talk about not being able to hold down a job or even go outside. I wonder what I have become and will I turn into them. I feel so lost and I am looking for something to identify with, but I don't really want to identify with that group. I keep feeling like I should post my issues and see what others have to say. Really it has only been a handful of people who are posting. I am using the same Brock Garthok pseudonym that I worry that it is not appropriate. It is just a name, but it is goofy and only has meaning to me and some of my friends. Unfortunately, I use it too much and I worry people will find out who I am. Since it is a Yahoo group I should really come up with a new one. I wonder how that works if I change the pseudonym.
As I am thinking about this, I am looking at the video games and accessories that I have and never use. I bought a PS/2 to play Lego Star Wars and that is the only game I have ever played for any length of time. I bought Guitar Hero and played it for a while and really enjoyed it, but I haven't played it in forever even though I have since bought several more Guitar Hero games. I even have a copy of Rock Band and I would love to play with friends, but can't seem to invite anyone over for that. Also, I am too afraid that they will outperform me and I will not be the "hero". I really want some sort of recognition, but am always afraid I don't deserve it when I get it.
I type these things into this blog and really would like some one to read it. I keep thinking I will tell my therapist about it, but I am afraid that see me a needy and will critique what I written. I really want some stranger to stumble across it and make some kind of poignant comment that will help me be better. Although it is just me rambling and whining about my problems and issues, so I don't think anyone will really be interested.
I want an easy way to be a different person. I keep looking at hypnotherapy and wonder if that would do it. I am skeptical, but I hope I can bring it up on Friday. If I coach in a way of getting my therapist's opinion I am hoping that he won't think I am trying to find an easy way out even though I am pretty sure he will know.
On a different topic, I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but I have been playing D&D Encounters at a Friendly Local Game Store. For the last several weeks I actually got to run the encounter. I have really enjoyed it, but part of it is that I want the reward--it is just more stuff that I will just store away and never use. I am also enjoying the power of being in control and it is fulfilling a fantasy of running an encounter and people having fun. I think I have been doing a decent job with the encounters and would almost like to run a Living Forgotten Realms campaign. The attraction is that the modules are already written and I just have to run them. Right now I am not sure where I am going with my life and I don't want the commitment.
I really need to go take a shower and get moving with my day. I have a problem ending things. To me each post ends abruptly because I am done saying what I wanted to say. I envy people like Leonard Nimoy or Stan Lee who have taglines that sound cool to end their posts. Maybe I will come up with one some day.
How about "end of line"?
Because I bought the franchise and used my 401K to do it, I do not know how to exit the business and I am afraid there are huge costs associated with exiting. i still don't want to get a job or at least a real job that requires me to do a lot of thinking. Honestly, if I got a job I think I would preform that job as well as possible, but I wonder if what I am experiencing now would continue and interfere with my performance. I have had thoughts of selling all my stuff including my house and finding a cheap place to live here--either with a friend who is renting out part of her house or with someone else. While it sounds like a good idea, I am afraid that I would have too many privacy issues to actually follow through.
The thought of selling all my toys has appeal right now because they just sit there gathering dust. My problem is that I don't want to go through the work to sell them. I thought about having a garage sale, but I worry that I will not get as much money plus I could never do it at my house and transporting all the junk somewhere else is problematic. I think of the things I either want to keep or want to give to specific people. My family has difficulties getting rid of stuff--my parents' house is packed fairly tightly with stuff. Mom has filled every closet and under every bed and Dad just stacks stuff where ever there is room. Dad has a large shop where his business only requires about an eighth of the floor space--the rest is packed with junk from the house. My house is not quite that bad, but my bedroom is absolutely horrible. I keep moving everything there on the rare occasions someone visits.
I wonder if I would be any happier in that type of life. I would have less financial stress, but that doesn't necessarily mean I would be happier.
I thought maybe this week I would actually call the telemarketer that the franchiser wants me to call, but I can't seem to get the nerve. It is like I want to fail. I mean I have given up already without really giving it the try I planned to when I bought the franchise. Just like a lot of things in my life, I had a fantasy and then when it started going wrong I just abandoned it instead of trying to make it work.
I have also been looking at lot of websites about Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the posts and I keep thinking, this isn't me maybe I am not AvPD. I look at the symptoms and signs and I think this is me, but the people talking on the message boards do not seem like me. For one, I am surprised how many are married and have kids. Maybe AvPD developed later or somehow they got through the close personal relationship thing. Maybe their partners were more aggressive when trying to have a relationship with these people. Also, the don't seem to have any friends. I have friends and I do things with them on a regular basis. I make new friends through them and my circle grows. The parts that fit the diagnosis are that when I lose a friend I don't worry about it too much unless they were one of the few close friends, I will sometimes say mean things to friends--I don't know if I am testing their friendship or trying to push them away, and finally even my close personal friends do not know the real me. I have kept a lot of things hidden in my private life from friends and family. This is one reason I don't like people to visit my house. Also, there are times when I fantasize about my different groups of friends coming together, but in reality I do not want that because I am afraid they will compare notes and figure me out. Many of them also talk about not being able to hold down a job or even go outside. I wonder what I have become and will I turn into them. I feel so lost and I am looking for something to identify with, but I don't really want to identify with that group. I keep feeling like I should post my issues and see what others have to say. Really it has only been a handful of people who are posting. I am using the same Brock Garthok pseudonym that I worry that it is not appropriate. It is just a name, but it is goofy and only has meaning to me and some of my friends. Unfortunately, I use it too much and I worry people will find out who I am. Since it is a Yahoo group I should really come up with a new one. I wonder how that works if I change the pseudonym.
As I am thinking about this, I am looking at the video games and accessories that I have and never use. I bought a PS/2 to play Lego Star Wars and that is the only game I have ever played for any length of time. I bought Guitar Hero and played it for a while and really enjoyed it, but I haven't played it in forever even though I have since bought several more Guitar Hero games. I even have a copy of Rock Band and I would love to play with friends, but can't seem to invite anyone over for that. Also, I am too afraid that they will outperform me and I will not be the "hero". I really want some sort of recognition, but am always afraid I don't deserve it when I get it.
I type these things into this blog and really would like some one to read it. I keep thinking I will tell my therapist about it, but I am afraid that see me a needy and will critique what I written. I really want some stranger to stumble across it and make some kind of poignant comment that will help me be better. Although it is just me rambling and whining about my problems and issues, so I don't think anyone will really be interested.
I want an easy way to be a different person. I keep looking at hypnotherapy and wonder if that would do it. I am skeptical, but I hope I can bring it up on Friday. If I coach in a way of getting my therapist's opinion I am hoping that he won't think I am trying to find an easy way out even though I am pretty sure he will know.
On a different topic, I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but I have been playing D&D Encounters at a Friendly Local Game Store. For the last several weeks I actually got to run the encounter. I have really enjoyed it, but part of it is that I want the reward--it is just more stuff that I will just store away and never use. I am also enjoying the power of being in control and it is fulfilling a fantasy of running an encounter and people having fun. I think I have been doing a decent job with the encounters and would almost like to run a Living Forgotten Realms campaign. The attraction is that the modules are already written and I just have to run them. Right now I am not sure where I am going with my life and I don't want the commitment.
I really need to go take a shower and get moving with my day. I have a problem ending things. To me each post ends abruptly because I am done saying what I wanted to say. I envy people like Leonard Nimoy or Stan Lee who have taglines that sound cool to end their posts. Maybe I will come up with one some day.
How about "end of line"?
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friday was a good day for me. I seemed in an "up" mood all day. I went to the psychologist in the afternoon and he said I was smiling more. I actually talked to him about Avoidant Personality Disorder and explained that the symptoms (if that is the right term) are what I am feeling when I think about my personal life. The time went by so fast that we didn't get a chance to talk about all the things I wanted to discuss. Hopefully this Friday we will get to other things. He did say he wanted me to have a dialogue with myself about my feelings when I don't do things--we'll get to that a little later.
I decided to go to the lake with some friends and their kids and I didn't even mind the several hours in the car, because I was feeling good. They were a bit disappointed because they had invited some other friends who canceled on them.
On Saturday, we went out on the boat after a late breakfast. My friend had gotten a new wake board for his birthday and wanted to try it out--he was very excited about the wake board and talked about it lot before going to the lake. He did well with the wake board even though he said it was different from the one he had tried before. We then went to a cove where everyone else went swimming. I wanted to go swimming with them, but for some reason I just couldn't. Here was my conflict that I needed to write down and have a dialogue with myself. I am finding it kind of difficult to do this after the fact. I tried to remember what I was feeling, but it is kind of vague. There were actually several times during the weekend when they were swimming that I wanted to get in with them. I rationalize it by saying that lake water is dirty--which it is--and that I don't like the sun--which I don't. Anyhow, I thought about what I was feeling and there were two things: 1. I was concerned about how they would see me in a bathing suit. I am embarrassed by the way I look and I worry that people will talk bad about me to other people. 2. Because I have been so adamant in the past about not getting in the water, they would view me as a liar to some degree if I went in now.
For the first issue, let me start by saying I was always wearing a rash shirt to avoid sunburn and so that I would not be shirtless if I decided to go swimming--that way I would be somewhat clothed and my friends would not have to see parts of me they have not seen before. Of course the rash shirt does not hide the fat and wet clothes cling to the body. Rationally, my friends are not perfect and would not have changed their opinion of me. They have seen me at a heavier weight and I don't really believe they care what I look like. As I think more about it I also am afraid they would tell their friends who would look at me differently. None of these people look anything like a super model so have no room to judge, and I don't think they would judge anyway. On top of that I don't think my friends would do anything to put me in a bad light on purpose or to be hurtful. They have been my friends for a long time and to my knowledge they have kept certain things that they have found out to themselves--so it is not like they have ever betrayed my confidence. But the things I am worried about are those things that are only important to me. They may something in passing to someone else because it is not that important to most people. Again, I do not believe they would ever change their opinion of me because of what I look like or that they would betray my confidence on purpose.
The second issue is a bit more elusive. This is something new to me. I don't know that I would have ever come up with this if I had not been trying to take a mental picture of my feelings. Honestly, this is still along the lines of changing their opinion of me or betray my confidence. They would have been very happy for me to join them and while they would have been surprised, I don't think they would have viewed it as I have been lying to them. I know that I have made excuses for my behavior to make it sound plausible, and even if they "found out" I can't imagine that they would stop being my friends or treat me differently. I feel like I am lying to people and most of my stress is really about other people finding out. The funny thing is that it is never about anything important. I am usually pretty up front with important things, it is the small things that I change to make myself look better. I always worry that I won't remember what I told people, but frankly because it is not the important things, I don't they would remember either. I also believe that if they did find out about something I was altering, they would understand once I explained it to them.
I still wished I had gone in the water just once. The perfect time would have been Sunday morning, the only problem was that I was not in my swimsuit. I had gone down to the dock where they were already in the water not prepared to get in. My friends were going to go out in the boat to do some more wake boarding and possibly some skiing, and a couple of the kids wanted to stay. I told them I would watch the kids and used that as an excuse to get my swimsuit on. When I got back, they had all decided to go out on the boat, so I missed my chance. All the while I kept telling myself to just get in the water, and at the same said that I could always do it later--procrastination is a huge problem for me. I need to put that on my list for the psychologist.
While at the lake, I talked with my friends quite frankly about some of my activities, but in retrospect I am not sure I told them as much as I thought. The whole conversation was really wrapped around them being concerned about their kids. They are constantly wanting their kids to go outside and play or go somewhere else and play. Their kids also pick on each other a lot when they are playing and usually someone is crying and someone else is screaming. My friends both have very quick tempers and their kids were brought up that way. Also, their kids have a very different environment from the one they grew up in. None of their school friends live close by and television is a lot more interesting. In a way I feel for their kids, because I think they feel a little bit rejected at times. While I know they love their kids and they actually are quite involved in their kids lives and try to do the best for them, they yell at them a lot to go play. I personally think they want the kids to "go play" an awful lot. The kids are 10 and younger and they want attention and they want some guidance. I don't have kids to mess up so it is awful easy for me to say what to do. I wish there was more I could do, but they aren't my children even though sometimes I treat them that way. I am really bad at correcting them and making them behave. My friends say they don't mind, but sometimes I wonder. I have tried to curtail my comments.
Their kids are actually really good kids as far as I can tell. Sure, they are not perfect, but I have seen a lot worse. When I am around them, I feel a little sad that I never had kids. I really do like kids, but I am often afraid to get to close to kids as I don't know what their parents will think. It is a scary world when you are a single man--or maybe it is just me. I feel the most comfortable around my friends' kids, because I have been around them from birth and I trust their parents to know I would never do them any harm. I don't know that I feel that way about my own nieces and nephews. There are a lot of things I want to share with their kids because I don't have kids of my own, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries, plus I don't want the kids to reject openly things that I like. It is kind of like they are rejecting me. I know this is irrational. Kids seem to have unconditional love and will not reject you unless you reject them or hurt them.
I also worry about inconveniencing my friends. In reality, I think they would be happy to unload their kids for a couple of hour. The other part is that I just want to take the boys right now. The boys are older and I think the activities I want to do are more "male" activities. I have kind of been waiting for the boys to get older so that they could start doing some of the things I like.
I wonder if it is part OCD that I want their kids to have certain rules and I want them enforced. Actually, I think all kids should have certain rules. I don't like it when kids climb all over furniture and I don't like it when they throw things in the house. One time I got after my nephew for throwing things indoors. His mother was there as well as our younger sister and her husband. My younger sister's husband apologized because he had been throwing a ball around with my nephew earlier. At that point, I made some comment about how I shouldn't correct other peoples' kids and my older sister made the comment that they allow throwing in the house. When I get after someone usually it involves asking a question in a stern, but calm voice such as "Do we throw things in the house?" or "Do your parents let you climb on the furniture?" so I am trying to not be the parent, but to still show my disapproval. It works better on younger kids--older kids usually come back pretty quickly with "yes" which requires a few more direct questions or a statement that they know that is not true. I have actually backed down a couple of times if they can explain to me why they are allowed and the activity is not dangerous or destructive.
We got back from the lake on Sunday afternoon and I stayed at my friends' house until somewhat late because I didn't want to go home. After the call on Thursday with the franchiser, I have been very anxious about the business. I really need to do something positive. My heart pounds in my chest every time I start to think about doing some work. We'll see if I can make some progress tomorrow.
I decided to go to the lake with some friends and their kids and I didn't even mind the several hours in the car, because I was feeling good. They were a bit disappointed because they had invited some other friends who canceled on them.
On Saturday, we went out on the boat after a late breakfast. My friend had gotten a new wake board for his birthday and wanted to try it out--he was very excited about the wake board and talked about it lot before going to the lake. He did well with the wake board even though he said it was different from the one he had tried before. We then went to a cove where everyone else went swimming. I wanted to go swimming with them, but for some reason I just couldn't. Here was my conflict that I needed to write down and have a dialogue with myself. I am finding it kind of difficult to do this after the fact. I tried to remember what I was feeling, but it is kind of vague. There were actually several times during the weekend when they were swimming that I wanted to get in with them. I rationalize it by saying that lake water is dirty--which it is--and that I don't like the sun--which I don't. Anyhow, I thought about what I was feeling and there were two things: 1. I was concerned about how they would see me in a bathing suit. I am embarrassed by the way I look and I worry that people will talk bad about me to other people. 2. Because I have been so adamant in the past about not getting in the water, they would view me as a liar to some degree if I went in now.
For the first issue, let me start by saying I was always wearing a rash shirt to avoid sunburn and so that I would not be shirtless if I decided to go swimming--that way I would be somewhat clothed and my friends would not have to see parts of me they have not seen before. Of course the rash shirt does not hide the fat and wet clothes cling to the body. Rationally, my friends are not perfect and would not have changed their opinion of me. They have seen me at a heavier weight and I don't really believe they care what I look like. As I think more about it I also am afraid they would tell their friends who would look at me differently. None of these people look anything like a super model so have no room to judge, and I don't think they would judge anyway. On top of that I don't think my friends would do anything to put me in a bad light on purpose or to be hurtful. They have been my friends for a long time and to my knowledge they have kept certain things that they have found out to themselves--so it is not like they have ever betrayed my confidence. But the things I am worried about are those things that are only important to me. They may something in passing to someone else because it is not that important to most people. Again, I do not believe they would ever change their opinion of me because of what I look like or that they would betray my confidence on purpose.
The second issue is a bit more elusive. This is something new to me. I don't know that I would have ever come up with this if I had not been trying to take a mental picture of my feelings. Honestly, this is still along the lines of changing their opinion of me or betray my confidence. They would have been very happy for me to join them and while they would have been surprised, I don't think they would have viewed it as I have been lying to them. I know that I have made excuses for my behavior to make it sound plausible, and even if they "found out" I can't imagine that they would stop being my friends or treat me differently. I feel like I am lying to people and most of my stress is really about other people finding out. The funny thing is that it is never about anything important. I am usually pretty up front with important things, it is the small things that I change to make myself look better. I always worry that I won't remember what I told people, but frankly because it is not the important things, I don't they would remember either. I also believe that if they did find out about something I was altering, they would understand once I explained it to them.
I still wished I had gone in the water just once. The perfect time would have been Sunday morning, the only problem was that I was not in my swimsuit. I had gone down to the dock where they were already in the water not prepared to get in. My friends were going to go out in the boat to do some more wake boarding and possibly some skiing, and a couple of the kids wanted to stay. I told them I would watch the kids and used that as an excuse to get my swimsuit on. When I got back, they had all decided to go out on the boat, so I missed my chance. All the while I kept telling myself to just get in the water, and at the same said that I could always do it later--procrastination is a huge problem for me. I need to put that on my list for the psychologist.
While at the lake, I talked with my friends quite frankly about some of my activities, but in retrospect I am not sure I told them as much as I thought. The whole conversation was really wrapped around them being concerned about their kids. They are constantly wanting their kids to go outside and play or go somewhere else and play. Their kids also pick on each other a lot when they are playing and usually someone is crying and someone else is screaming. My friends both have very quick tempers and their kids were brought up that way. Also, their kids have a very different environment from the one they grew up in. None of their school friends live close by and television is a lot more interesting. In a way I feel for their kids, because I think they feel a little bit rejected at times. While I know they love their kids and they actually are quite involved in their kids lives and try to do the best for them, they yell at them a lot to go play. I personally think they want the kids to "go play" an awful lot. The kids are 10 and younger and they want attention and they want some guidance. I don't have kids to mess up so it is awful easy for me to say what to do. I wish there was more I could do, but they aren't my children even though sometimes I treat them that way. I am really bad at correcting them and making them behave. My friends say they don't mind, but sometimes I wonder. I have tried to curtail my comments.
Their kids are actually really good kids as far as I can tell. Sure, they are not perfect, but I have seen a lot worse. When I am around them, I feel a little sad that I never had kids. I really do like kids, but I am often afraid to get to close to kids as I don't know what their parents will think. It is a scary world when you are a single man--or maybe it is just me. I feel the most comfortable around my friends' kids, because I have been around them from birth and I trust their parents to know I would never do them any harm. I don't know that I feel that way about my own nieces and nephews. There are a lot of things I want to share with their kids because I don't have kids of my own, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries, plus I don't want the kids to reject openly things that I like. It is kind of like they are rejecting me. I know this is irrational. Kids seem to have unconditional love and will not reject you unless you reject them or hurt them.
I also worry about inconveniencing my friends. In reality, I think they would be happy to unload their kids for a couple of hour. The other part is that I just want to take the boys right now. The boys are older and I think the activities I want to do are more "male" activities. I have kind of been waiting for the boys to get older so that they could start doing some of the things I like.
I wonder if it is part OCD that I want their kids to have certain rules and I want them enforced. Actually, I think all kids should have certain rules. I don't like it when kids climb all over furniture and I don't like it when they throw things in the house. One time I got after my nephew for throwing things indoors. His mother was there as well as our younger sister and her husband. My younger sister's husband apologized because he had been throwing a ball around with my nephew earlier. At that point, I made some comment about how I shouldn't correct other peoples' kids and my older sister made the comment that they allow throwing in the house. When I get after someone usually it involves asking a question in a stern, but calm voice such as "Do we throw things in the house?" or "Do your parents let you climb on the furniture?" so I am trying to not be the parent, but to still show my disapproval. It works better on younger kids--older kids usually come back pretty quickly with "yes" which requires a few more direct questions or a statement that they know that is not true. I have actually backed down a couple of times if they can explain to me why they are allowed and the activity is not dangerous or destructive.
We got back from the lake on Sunday afternoon and I stayed at my friends' house until somewhat late because I didn't want to go home. After the call on Thursday with the franchiser, I have been very anxious about the business. I really need to do something positive. My heart pounds in my chest every time I start to think about doing some work. We'll see if I can make some progress tomorrow.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Just when I am feeling somewhat good about my life, I get a note from the franchiser rep requesting a call. I talked with him this morning and now I am in a tailspin. During the whole conversation my heart raced even though I had taken an anxiety pill. He said all the right things to make me think I could make this work, but then the conversation was over and all my doubts washed back over me. I am struggling with whether I step out of my box and try his suggestion or do I continue along my self destructive path of discovery.
I am still not sure what I want out of life, but I understand the need for income and money and that is still a strong driver, no matter how much I push it back. I don't want my life to be a pursuit of money. I pursue money to buy the things I think will fill the holes, but there is no "thing" that will fill the hole.
I am now thinking I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have many of the signs to some degree. I would think that I am a high functioning AvPD, but I don't know. I am planning to talk to my psychologist about this Friday, if I remember and have the guts to bring it up. I keep telling myself I need to write down a list of things to say, but I don't do it--just like everything else. I am very excited about having a name for what I am going through. My family used to say I am lazy and I kind of believe them. Now I have hope that maybe I can change.
On a different note, I have been entering the Publisher's Clearing House drawings on the web on a frequent basis. They send me email to my spam account and I have been clicking through. I am not ordering anything, but I bet they are making money just on the click throughs. I also responded to a psychic to get information. I did not buy anything, but Bethea keeps sending me information. I am on the fence as to whether psychics are real and I have a hard time believing that an internet psychic will have any validity, but the shadow of a doubt keeps me interested. Since this is supposed to be a financially lucky week for me, I have been buying a few more lottery tickets than normal. I am not spending hundreds of dollars or anything, just a few extra bucks. I have fantasies of winning lots of money so that I do not have to work and can work on my psych issues.
I used to think I would open a game store or something, but now I know I don't really want to own my own business. I would use the money to help finance someone else to run a business. I also used to think my whole life would change and I would become a different person. While this is a great dream or fantasy, I realize now that I would not probably change anything--I would just not have to worry about money. I still wish I could win the lottery, but my fantasies are not as exciting anymore.
I am still not sure what I want out of life, but I understand the need for income and money and that is still a strong driver, no matter how much I push it back. I don't want my life to be a pursuit of money. I pursue money to buy the things I think will fill the holes, but there is no "thing" that will fill the hole.
I am now thinking I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have many of the signs to some degree. I would think that I am a high functioning AvPD, but I don't know. I am planning to talk to my psychologist about this Friday, if I remember and have the guts to bring it up. I keep telling myself I need to write down a list of things to say, but I don't do it--just like everything else. I am very excited about having a name for what I am going through. My family used to say I am lazy and I kind of believe them. Now I have hope that maybe I can change.
On a different note, I have been entering the Publisher's Clearing House drawings on the web on a frequent basis. They send me email to my spam account and I have been clicking through. I am not ordering anything, but I bet they are making money just on the click throughs. I also responded to a psychic to get information. I did not buy anything, but Bethea keeps sending me information. I am on the fence as to whether psychics are real and I have a hard time believing that an internet psychic will have any validity, but the shadow of a doubt keeps me interested. Since this is supposed to be a financially lucky week for me, I have been buying a few more lottery tickets than normal. I am not spending hundreds of dollars or anything, just a few extra bucks. I have fantasies of winning lots of money so that I do not have to work and can work on my psych issues.
I used to think I would open a game store or something, but now I know I don't really want to own my own business. I would use the money to help finance someone else to run a business. I also used to think my whole life would change and I would become a different person. While this is a great dream or fantasy, I realize now that I would not probably change anything--I would just not have to worry about money. I still wish I could win the lottery, but my fantasies are not as exciting anymore.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Of late I keep thinking about what I want in life and what would make me happy and I am having a lot of problems. I have never really had goals and ambitions--I have fantasies that I never expect to come true, but not a vision of the future. I always thought I wanted a family after I made enough money, but no amount ever seemed to be enough and now I am older and don't want to start a family where everyone will think I am my child's grandfather. I know people do it all the time, but I don't have the energy. I don't have enough energy for my life let alone kids.
Anyhow, I am trying to determine how one decides what they really want. I have a bunch of stuff that I bought to make me happy, but it doesn't. I seem to know what I don't want to do, but I don't know what I want. I have let life carry me along a if I were floating in a stream. Now I feel as if there is a fork up ahead and I can hear a waterfall somewhere ahead. I could float and possibly not hit the waterfall or I could make a more active choice. The outcome is unknown and I don't like unknown. It is not that I don't like a challenge, only challenges I am not sure I can beat. What's funny is that I will make decisions that are bad and then own up to them--although I do twist the story so I don't look so bad or just to soften the error.
I still am envious of people who seem to know what they want or at least are happy with their lives most of the time. I am finding some enjoyment in little things more. In the last month I have run a couple of D&D Encounters and I really liked it. I also enjoy playing new games, but I feel guilty while I am playing so it is not as much fun. I enjoy talking with people about things I am interested in, but I have difficulties when I am don't have an interest in the topic. I kind of want to help young people find their way. I think is maybe because I am lost myself. My sister has said she thinks I should be a teacher, but I don't want to go back to school.
I keep looking for some kind of website to help me, plus I am talking to a psychologist, but he doesn't seem to work that way. He wants to expose me to things I problems with. I understand how that works with specific issues, but I want something more broad. We'll see how it goes. As it is now, I need to figure how to join the church I have been attending on and off for more than 10 years. We'll see how it goes.
Anyhow, I am trying to determine how one decides what they really want. I have a bunch of stuff that I bought to make me happy, but it doesn't. I seem to know what I don't want to do, but I don't know what I want. I have let life carry me along a if I were floating in a stream. Now I feel as if there is a fork up ahead and I can hear a waterfall somewhere ahead. I could float and possibly not hit the waterfall or I could make a more active choice. The outcome is unknown and I don't like unknown. It is not that I don't like a challenge, only challenges I am not sure I can beat. What's funny is that I will make decisions that are bad and then own up to them--although I do twist the story so I don't look so bad or just to soften the error.
I still am envious of people who seem to know what they want or at least are happy with their lives most of the time. I am finding some enjoyment in little things more. In the last month I have run a couple of D&D Encounters and I really liked it. I also enjoy playing new games, but I feel guilty while I am playing so it is not as much fun. I enjoy talking with people about things I am interested in, but I have difficulties when I am don't have an interest in the topic. I kind of want to help young people find their way. I think is maybe because I am lost myself. My sister has said she thinks I should be a teacher, but I don't want to go back to school.
I keep looking for some kind of website to help me, plus I am talking to a psychologist, but he doesn't seem to work that way. He wants to expose me to things I problems with. I understand how that works with specific issues, but I want something more broad. We'll see how it goes. As it is now, I need to figure how to join the church I have been attending on and off for more than 10 years. We'll see how it goes.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Things I want to do, but don’t:
• Learn to play a musical instrument
• Take singing lessons
• Learn how to take better pictures and to fix them with Photoshop
• Lift weights (learn the best ways and to just do it)
• Take cooking classes (especially a knife skills class)
• Join the church and become active in the parish such as assisting with CCD
• Have friends over to my house
• Trim the hedges
• Facilitate game playing at a public/semi-public venue
• Get friends to play different games
• Go swimming at friends’ house
• Learn to play a musical instrument
• Take singing lessons
• Learn how to take better pictures and to fix them with Photoshop
• Lift weights (learn the best ways and to just do it)
• Take cooking classes (especially a knife skills class)
• Join the church and become active in the parish such as assisting with CCD
• Have friends over to my house
• Trim the hedges
• Facilitate game playing at a public/semi-public venue
• Get friends to play different games
• Go swimming at friends’ house
Why I don’t do the things I want to do.
Every time I want to try to learn to play a musical instrument, I imagine being able to play very well. When I think about actually taking the lessons I am hesitant because I am afraid what I imagine will not be what happens, even though I think I would find enjoyment in just being able to play the simplest things. I imagine being able to play Christmas carols at friends’ Christmas party, but I know that even if I could play I would never do it in front of all my friends. Many things I don’t do, because I think I can do them later. I put things off constantly. Part of the reason is that if I don’t do them I won’t be disappointed in the results. I don’t feel like I will be able to do things as well as I imagine I could do them, so I would rather not.
There are times when I just jump in and do something even though I rationally don’t think it is a good idea. I let my imagination convince me that this time I will be different and I will be able to fulfill the dream. It usually takes a few weeks, and then the reality starts creeping in. I start doubting myself and realize that I won’t make the dream come true and give up.
I am not necessarily self motivated. When I was younger I was motivated to make money to gain the things in life that would make me happy. As I got older and had money, I found that the things didn’t make me happy and I had lost a lot of time when I could have been doing the things I kept putting off. Unfortunately, I am still putting them off. I don’t think it was ever the money that kept me from doing those things. It was generally some sort of fear—and most often a fear of what other people would think. Throughout my life I have shied away from social situations. I have always had a few close friends and that’s it. I generally never went anywhere unless it was with these friends. I only had these friends because of the situation. I was somehow put into situations where they became my friends out of proximity or through another friend.
Even with my current friends, I have a hard time committing to activities. When they have parties I generally wait until the last minute to confirm or until they force the issue. Also, I often do not go to public events with them if it is a social situation where I may be left on my own. I always want to go with them or attend their parties, but I am always hesitant and always nervous.
It is always too easy to not do anything than to do something. I want to do something, but I take the easy road out. I always want things to be easy and usually take the easy path. I don’t know if this is laziness or what, but it is the thing I most want to change. It is the hardest thing to change because I don’t want to work at it—I want it to come easy like many other things in my life.
At this time I also seem to have a lack of concentration. I can’t seem to focus on a task long enough to complete it. I am not sure how to rectify this. I am so easily distracted by other tasks, by TV, or by thinking about things I need to do. I spend so much time thinking about things I need to do or imagining things I want to do and how nice it would be to do them. Part of the imaging is the accolades I would get from other people—not necessarily people telling me how great I am, but just a feeling from them of respect and admiration. I imagine I would be great and people would notice. I spend a lot of time basically dreaming of a better life where I am special and a lot time thinking about how I will never get my dreams.
Every time I want to try to learn to play a musical instrument, I imagine being able to play very well. When I think about actually taking the lessons I am hesitant because I am afraid what I imagine will not be what happens, even though I think I would find enjoyment in just being able to play the simplest things. I imagine being able to play Christmas carols at friends’ Christmas party, but I know that even if I could play I would never do it in front of all my friends. Many things I don’t do, because I think I can do them later. I put things off constantly. Part of the reason is that if I don’t do them I won’t be disappointed in the results. I don’t feel like I will be able to do things as well as I imagine I could do them, so I would rather not.
There are times when I just jump in and do something even though I rationally don’t think it is a good idea. I let my imagination convince me that this time I will be different and I will be able to fulfill the dream. It usually takes a few weeks, and then the reality starts creeping in. I start doubting myself and realize that I won’t make the dream come true and give up.
I am not necessarily self motivated. When I was younger I was motivated to make money to gain the things in life that would make me happy. As I got older and had money, I found that the things didn’t make me happy and I had lost a lot of time when I could have been doing the things I kept putting off. Unfortunately, I am still putting them off. I don’t think it was ever the money that kept me from doing those things. It was generally some sort of fear—and most often a fear of what other people would think. Throughout my life I have shied away from social situations. I have always had a few close friends and that’s it. I generally never went anywhere unless it was with these friends. I only had these friends because of the situation. I was somehow put into situations where they became my friends out of proximity or through another friend.
Even with my current friends, I have a hard time committing to activities. When they have parties I generally wait until the last minute to confirm or until they force the issue. Also, I often do not go to public events with them if it is a social situation where I may be left on my own. I always want to go with them or attend their parties, but I am always hesitant and always nervous.
It is always too easy to not do anything than to do something. I want to do something, but I take the easy road out. I always want things to be easy and usually take the easy path. I don’t know if this is laziness or what, but it is the thing I most want to change. It is the hardest thing to change because I don’t want to work at it—I want it to come easy like many other things in my life.
At this time I also seem to have a lack of concentration. I can’t seem to focus on a task long enough to complete it. I am not sure how to rectify this. I am so easily distracted by other tasks, by TV, or by thinking about things I need to do. I spend so much time thinking about things I need to do or imagining things I want to do and how nice it would be to do them. Part of the imaging is the accolades I would get from other people—not necessarily people telling me how great I am, but just a feeling from them of respect and admiration. I imagine I would be great and people would notice. I spend a lot of time basically dreaming of a better life where I am special and a lot time thinking about how I will never get my dreams.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)