Friday was a good day for me. I seemed in an "up" mood all day. I went to the psychologist in the afternoon and he said I was smiling more. I actually talked to him about Avoidant Personality Disorder and explained that the symptoms (if that is the right term) are what I am feeling when I think about my personal life. The time went by so fast that we didn't get a chance to talk about all the things I wanted to discuss. Hopefully this Friday we will get to other things. He did say he wanted me to have a dialogue with myself about my feelings when I don't do things--we'll get to that a little later.

I decided to go to the lake with some friends and their kids and I didn't even mind the several hours in the car, because I was feeling good. They were a bit disappointed because they had invited some other friends who canceled on them.

On Saturday, we went out on the boat after a late breakfast. My friend had gotten a new wake board for his birthday and wanted to try it out--he was very excited about the wake board and talked about it lot before going to the lake. He did well with the wake board even though he said it was different from the one he had tried before. We then went to a cove where everyone else went swimming. I wanted to go swimming with them, but for some reason I just couldn't. Here was my conflict that I needed to write down and have a dialogue with myself. I am finding it kind of difficult to do this after the fact. I tried to remember what I was feeling, but it is kind of vague. There were actually several times during the weekend when they were swimming that I wanted to get in with them. I rationalize it by saying that lake water is dirty--which it is--and that I don't like the sun--which I don't. Anyhow, I thought about what I was feeling and there were two things: 1. I was concerned about how they would see me in a bathing suit. I am embarrassed by the way I look and I worry that people will talk bad about me to other people. 2. Because I have been so adamant in the past about not getting in the water, they would view me as a liar to some degree if I went in now.

For the first issue, let me start by saying I was always wearing a rash shirt to avoid sunburn and so that I would not be shirtless if I decided to go swimming--that way I would be somewhat clothed and my friends would not have to see parts of me they have not seen before. Of course the rash shirt does not hide the fat and wet clothes cling to the body. Rationally, my friends are not perfect and would not have changed their opinion of me. They have seen me at a heavier weight and I don't really believe they care what I look like. As I think more about it I also am afraid they would tell their friends who would look at me differently. None of these people look anything like a super model so have no room to judge, and I don't think they would judge anyway. On top of that I don't think my friends would do anything to put me in a bad light on purpose or to be hurtful. They have been my friends for a long time and to my knowledge they have kept certain things that they have found out to themselves--so it is not like they have ever betrayed my confidence. But the things I am worried about are those things that are only important to me. They may something in passing to someone else because it is not that important to most people. Again, I do not believe they would ever change their opinion of me because of what I look like or that they would betray my confidence on purpose.

The second issue is a bit more elusive. This is something new to me. I don't know that I would have ever come up with this if I had not been trying to take a mental picture of my feelings. Honestly, this is still along the lines of changing their opinion of me or betray my confidence. They would have been very happy for me to join them and while they would have been surprised, I don't think they would have viewed it as I have been lying to them. I know that I have made excuses for my behavior to make it sound plausible, and even if they "found out" I can't imagine that they would stop being my friends or treat me differently. I feel like I am lying to people and most of my stress is really about other people finding out. The funny thing is that it is never about anything important. I am usually pretty up front with important things, it is the small things that I change to make myself look better. I always worry that I won't remember what I told people, but frankly because it is not the important things, I don't they would remember either. I also believe that if they did find out about something I was altering, they would understand once I explained it to them.

I still wished I had gone in the water just once. The perfect time would have been Sunday morning, the only problem was that I was not in my swimsuit. I had gone down to the dock where they were already in the water not prepared to get in. My friends were going to go out in the boat to do some more wake boarding and possibly some skiing, and a couple of the kids wanted to stay. I told them I would watch the kids and used that as an excuse to get my swimsuit on. When I got back, they had all decided to go out on the boat, so I missed my chance. All the while I kept telling myself to just get in the water, and at the same said that I could always do it later--procrastination is a huge problem for me. I need to put that on my list for the psychologist.

While at the lake, I talked with my friends quite frankly about some of my activities, but in retrospect I am not sure I told them as much as I thought. The whole conversation was really wrapped around them being concerned about their kids. They are constantly wanting their kids to go outside and play or go somewhere else and play. Their kids also pick on each other a lot when they are playing and usually someone is crying and someone else is screaming. My friends both have very quick tempers and their kids were brought up that way. Also, their kids have a very different environment from the one they grew up in. None of their school friends live close by and television is a lot more interesting. In a way I feel for their kids, because I think they feel a little bit rejected at times. While I know they love their kids and they actually are quite involved in their kids lives and try to do the best for them, they yell at them a lot to go play. I personally think they want the kids to "go play" an awful lot. The kids are 10 and younger and they want attention and they want some guidance. I don't have kids to mess up so it is awful easy for me to say what to do. I wish there was more I could do, but they aren't my children even though sometimes I treat them that way. I am really bad at correcting them and making them behave. My friends say they don't mind, but sometimes I wonder. I have tried to curtail my comments.

Their kids are actually really good kids as far as I can tell. Sure, they are not perfect, but I have seen a lot worse. When I am around them, I feel a little sad that I never had kids. I really do like kids, but I am often afraid to get to close to kids as I don't know what their parents will think. It is a scary world when you are a single man--or maybe it is just me. I feel the most comfortable around my friends' kids, because I have been around them from birth and I trust their parents to know I would never do them any harm. I don't know that I feel that way about my own nieces and nephews. There are a lot of things I want to share with their kids because I don't have kids of my own, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries, plus I don't want the kids to reject openly things that I like. It is kind of like they are rejecting me. I know this is irrational. Kids seem to have unconditional love and will not reject you unless you reject them or hurt them.

I also worry about inconveniencing my friends. In reality, I think they would be happy to unload their kids for a couple of hour. The other part is that I just want to take the boys right now. The boys are older and I think the activities I want to do are more "male" activities. I have kind of been waiting for the boys to get older so that they could start doing some of the things I like.

I wonder if it is part OCD that I want their kids to have certain rules and I want them enforced. Actually, I think all kids should have certain rules. I don't like it when kids climb all over furniture and I don't like it when they throw things in the house. One time I got after my nephew for throwing things indoors. His mother was there as well as our younger sister and her husband. My younger sister's husband apologized because he had been throwing a ball around with my nephew earlier. At that point, I made some comment about how I shouldn't correct other peoples' kids and my older sister made the comment that they allow throwing in the house. When I get after someone usually it involves asking a question in a stern, but calm voice such as "Do we throw things in the house?" or "Do your parents let you climb on the furniture?" so I am trying to not be the parent, but to still show my disapproval. It works better on younger kids--older kids usually come back pretty quickly with "yes" which requires a few more direct questions or a statement that they know that is not true. I have actually backed down a couple of times if they can explain to me why they are allowed and the activity is not dangerous or destructive.

We got back from the lake on Sunday afternoon and I stayed at my friends' house until somewhat late because I didn't want to go home. After the call on Thursday with the franchiser, I have been very anxious about the business. I really need to do something positive. My heart pounds in my chest every time I start to think about doing some work. We'll see if I can make some progress tomorrow.