I went to my psychologist today and he expressed that he was having difficulty determining what my problem was as much as I was. He was wondering if he should refer me to someone else, but he was concerned that they would not do any better. He feels some responsibility for me and wants to help me before I ruin myself financially. I feel confident that I would never ruin myself financially, but it could happen.

We had a good discussion, but I am also frustrated that I feel we are not making any progress. He wanted to assign me homework, but I am not sure if he did. The mission--should I accept it--is to figure out what secrets I am trying to keep from everybody.  My problem is that there are so many that I don't know where to go.  They range from the big secret to a whole bunch of others.  I am not sure I am ready to talk about the big secret.  There are only a few people in the world who know my big secret, but there are others who probably could guess.  I should ask some of them that I really trust--OK maybe just one of them. 

The second biggest is that I don't really tell the factual truth all the time.  I tried to get that across today without saying I lie all the time.  You can't tell from this blog, but I am a pretty smart guy and have a lot of training in languages, from people languages (I am not sure what to call them) to computer languages.  My study of different languages gives me a good perspective on how to use words.  Also, I was a military brat and I feel very strongly that the exposure to other cultures also has given me insight into how people think.  I have always prided myself on being able to communicate with both the user's and the programmer's.  While they all generally speak English, the are subtleties to how they use the language to convey their thoughts.  There are also "cultural" differences where the programmer assumes certain thing that the user is completely unaware of.  Anyhow we discussed this and that I tend to use my words to express what I think the listener wants to hear.  I wonder if that is why I have a hard time talking to strangers--I don't know want they want to hear and I can't customize the conversation for them.  Maybe it is also why I can function much better in circumstances where I am fully aware of all aspects of what is being discussed and have a clear understanding of what I needs to happen.  Social Anxiety just doesn't seem to be the problem to me, it is a label based on a few symptoms.

We talked some more about the avoidance thing and I am not sure if I am AvPD or if most of the symptoms fit my issue.  We did seem to narrow it down to me not being able to do things.  I need to think about this from a different perspective and try to understand what I am feeling and not what is happening.  Part of my problem is that I don't think I feel much of anything, but when I look at me from an outside perspective, I disagree--I think I am feeling lots of things, they just aren't what I want to feel.  It is like right now.  I am typing into this blog when in the back of my mind I feel like I should be doing something more important and more productive--productive to what end I am not exactly sure.  This blog is actually kind of therapeutic so it doesn't bother me as much.  However before I started on this post, I posted to another blog I am starting that I actually hope people read.  While I was posting there was a feeling of relief that I was actually doing something about that blog and being somewhat productive.

I am at the library, because I didn't want to go all the way back home and then back to this area of town to meet a friend for dinner and then go to the club.  I figured out long ago that I like to bartend at the club so that I can hide and not have to dance as much.  It is not that I don't enjoy dancing--I really do, it is that I am not always sure my partner is enjoying themselves.  I am worried that they will judge me.  I think I have said all this before.  Anyhow, being at the library has brought me a little bit of clarity.  Instead of playing games and flipping through channels on the TV, I am posting to blogs.  I do not have a strong urge to play game, but it is tugging at me in the back of my mind.

Back to the issue of me not doing stuff.  Part of it is that I feel like if I can do whatever, I should be able to do something more important.  I am still not sure that is a good explanation for not doing laundry or the dishes.  For those two activities I think about the time it will take to do them and think that I don't want to take the time right now because maybe I will want to do something else or that I can do them later.  When I am sitting on the couch, I think I should go upstairs and do the dishes.  I then start flipping the channels on the TV or start playing a game on the computer--or sometimes even surfing for nothing.  Even when I am playing a game I will flip through the channels.  I get bored easily with a task on want to move on to something else.  I am completely ignoring important "business tasks"--I am not sure what I am thinking.  I feel guilty when I do think about not doing them and that guilt can be intense and instead I try to distract myself by playing a game or watching TV.  These activities seem to be able to push the other ones out of my mind. 

I have been avoiding my work phone for ever.  My payroll provider should be calling me for payroll and I still won't answer the phone.   I really need to add Caller ID to that phone--I didn't think I would need it, I had a fantasy about answering the phone when I was there and people leaving messages when I was not.  I need to make a decision on how to proceed, but I need to talk to a lot of people to figure out how to dismantle this thing.  In addition, I don't know what it will cost me and where will I get money from afterwards.  There is another fantasy where I sell a bunch of the crap in my house and then sell my house to Homevesters.  The selling to Homevesters might actually be something I could do since it is one call to start the ball rolling and I assume they will spearhead it from there--I don't know if I would get enough money to pay off all I won on the house.  I just think about emptying the house and I go back to the can't thing.  I am going to try to put selling my CDs and DVDs on my list of things to do.  I don't know if I can do it, but if I can that would be a bunch of crap gone.