Of late I keep thinking about what I want in life and what would make me happy and I am having a lot of problems. I have never really had goals and ambitions--I have fantasies that I never expect to come true, but not a vision of the future. I always thought I wanted a family after I made enough money, but no amount ever seemed to be enough and now I am older and don't want to start a family where everyone will think I am my child's grandfather. I know people do it all the time, but I don't have the energy. I don't have enough energy for my life let alone kids.

Anyhow, I am trying to determine how one decides what they really want. I have a bunch of stuff that I bought to make me happy, but it doesn't. I seem to know what I don't want to do, but I don't know what I want. I have let life carry me along a if I were floating in a stream. Now I feel as if there is a fork up ahead and I can hear a waterfall somewhere ahead. I could float and possibly not hit the waterfall or I could make a more active choice. The outcome is unknown and I don't like unknown. It is not that I don't like a challenge, only challenges I am not sure I can beat. What's funny is that I will make decisions that are bad and then own up to them--although I do twist the story so I don't look so bad or just to soften the error.

I still am envious of people who seem to know what they want or at least are happy with their lives most of the time. I am finding some enjoyment in little things more. In the last month I have run a couple of D&D Encounters and I really liked it. I also enjoy playing new games, but I feel guilty while I am playing so it is not as much fun. I enjoy talking with people about things I am interested in, but I have difficulties when I am don't have an interest in the topic. I kind of want to help young people find their way. I think is maybe because I am lost myself. My sister has said she thinks I should be a teacher, but I don't want to go back to school.

I keep looking for some kind of website to help me, plus I am talking to a psychologist, but he doesn't seem to work that way. He wants to expose me to things I problems with. I understand how that works with specific issues, but I want something more broad. We'll see how it goes. As it is now, I need to figure how to join the church I have been attending on and off for more than 10 years. We'll see how it goes.