Just when I am feeling somewhat good about my life, I get a note from the franchiser rep requesting a call. I talked with him this morning and now I am in a tailspin. During the whole conversation my heart raced even though I had taken an anxiety pill. He said all the right things to make me think I could make this work, but then the conversation was over and all my doubts washed back over me. I am struggling with whether I step out of my box and try his suggestion or do I continue along my self destructive path of discovery.

I am still not sure what I want out of life, but I understand the need for income and money and that is still a strong driver, no matter how much I push it back. I don't want my life to be a pursuit of money. I pursue money to buy the things I think will fill the holes, but there is no "thing" that will fill the hole.

I am now thinking I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have many of the signs to some degree. I would think that I am a high functioning AvPD, but I don't know. I am planning to talk to my psychologist about this Friday, if I remember and have the guts to bring it up. I keep telling myself I need to write down a list of things to say, but I don't do it--just like everything else. I am very excited about having a name for what I am going through. My family used to say I am lazy and I kind of believe them. Now I have hope that maybe I can change.

On a different note, I have been entering the Publisher's Clearing House drawings on the web on a frequent basis. They send me email to my spam account and I have been clicking through. I am not ordering anything, but I bet they are making money just on the click throughs. I also responded to a psychic to get information. I did not buy anything, but Bethea keeps sending me information. I am on the fence as to whether psychics are real and I have a hard time believing that an internet psychic will have any validity, but the shadow of a doubt keeps me interested. Since this is supposed to be a financially lucky week for me, I have been buying a few more lottery tickets than normal. I am not spending hundreds of dollars or anything, just a few extra bucks. I have fantasies of winning lots of money so that I do not have to work and can work on my psych issues.

I used to think I would open a game store or something, but now I know I don't really want to own my own business. I would use the money to help finance someone else to run a business. I also used to think my whole life would change and I would become a different person. While this is a great dream or fantasy, I realize now that I would not probably change anything--I would just not have to worry about money. I still wish I could win the lottery, but my fantasies are not as exciting anymore.