It is late and I am tired, but I feel the need to document some things that happened today.  First I stayed up too late last night after the party watching The Big Bang Theory reruns I had recorded.  They were very funny, but I wasn't feeling very tired and needed something to lighten my mood.  I danced at the dance, but only with certain people--I danced more, but with nobody I was not familiar with.  I was shaky during dinner with a friend, because I was worried he would want to talk about my work and it isn't going anywhere, and I am avoiding it.  I got through dinner and did well at the club as far as anxiety goes.  Being behind the bar, people can't chat with you long. 

I did not take a sleep aid, since I had taken one for the past week--I took them all last weekend because I was at the lake with friends and wanted to be on a schedule.  I had a restless night and woke several time dripping with sweat.  I also had heartburn that felt a little better after a few draughts of water.  I also had a weird dream that I can't quite recall, but my friends' kids were in a house that I felt belonged to my aunt and uncle.  I think there were some other kids there, and I was trying to fix them food.  There was also several "scenes" with swarms of flies and small yellow birds.  It was weird and I don't remember it all.

I managed to unload the dishwasher and load what dirty dishes I had into it.  I also was able to put away some laundry that had been in the basket and dryer for a while--more than a couple of weeks.  I was very pleased to be able to do something.  Hopefully, I will be able to do some more tomorrow.

I went to church for the Saturday evening mass and I had several small anxiety attacks.  I was thinking about the business and asking for a little devine inspiration, but also part of it that I still don't feel comfortable in mass.  I am always worried what the people around me are thinking of me and once I felt like I was sweating it got worse.  For some reason I think I feel a little more at ease in the crowded Sunday morning mass than at the less crowded Saturday mass.  I wonder if that is because I have gone to the Sunday morning mass the most.  I got some envelopes for the offering, but I did not use them.  I am not sure why since they know everything from the check except the number they have assigned me.  It just felt more intimate somehow.  I am not sure if intimate is the right word, but it is close.

After mass I had some food and then went to another friend's half birthday party.  He has taken to celebrating his half-birthday because it is in the middle of summer and he can do different things.  He had three bands scheduled and I left in the middle of the second, because the people I was sitting with were leaving.  I had taken an anxiety pill before heading to the party which was downtown.  I was able to talk with a friend's wife about my problems somewhat easily, but as the night drew on I had more difficulty.  Part of that also is that she seemed very sympathetic and did not appear to judge, while I felt the other friends would judge me and tell me to keep at it.  I was able to dodge the conversation for the most part, but the thought that it might come up again always loomed in my mind.  The first band was good--it was a cabaret style band so it was a bit racy.  Luckily I was surrounded by my friends so the singer could not come up to me.  It happened the last time I saw the band, and I think I would have a harder time keeping myself together right now.

Driving home I thought about blogging what had happened today and I also thought about telling a female friend about my secret.  I have two that I would like to tell, but I don't think they are getting along, so I can't tell them together.  I also want to make sure they will keep it a secret.  The last time a told a female, she talked to my best friend and his wife about it.  I had not disclosed the information to them and we really haven't talked about it--I just know they know.

I was also thinking about how I have always not liked to have my shirt off.  When I was in 4th or 5th grade my Mom had signed me up for AYA basketball--AYA was an youth group on the base where Dad was stationed.  Anyhow, they would always do shirts and skins and I refused to be skins.  It looks like I had a poor body image way back then.  I wonder if it had to do with Mom buying me husky pants, while both my brothers got slims.  I always felt like a fat little kid, even though I really wasn't.  Even when I lost a lot of weight in high school and was wearing 27 inch waist pants, I felt unattractive.  The only time I was without my shirt was when I was in the pool teaching or swimming.  I would put a shirt on as soon as I got out of the pool.  I also did not like tank tops for some reason and had a problem when Mom got tank top shirts one summer for the guards.  I almost never wore mine, I always wore one of the shirts from the previous year.

Now I look at myself and I am short, fat and bald.  The irony is that I have hair everywhere else which I really don't like.  I do not like to see hair on other peoples backs and shoulders and hate it even more on me.  I had it waxed for a while, but it is very expensive.  It took a lot for me to go to the anesthician, but I really liked the experience.  The little bit of pain was almost enjoyable in a weird way.  I was so relaxed on the table and just let the pain go most of the time.  Anyhow, I also have a lot of scars from acne on my upper arms, shoulders and chest--of course it doesn't help that constantly picking at my scabs and skin.  I probably notice them more than other people would if they ever saw them.  I am also very pale since I wear a shirt all the time.  I think this would turn women off because I don't like it.  

Anyhow the computer battery is low so good night.