Today is not exactly a good day. I managed to get out of bed at a reasonable hour and I sent an email to my one and only client indicating that I might not be continuing in this business and that he should take some steps to avoid an increase in his telecommunications charges. Other than that I keep thinking about how I am going to live the rest of my life.

Because I bought the franchise and used my 401K to do it, I do not know how to exit the business and I am afraid there are huge costs associated with exiting. i still don't want to get a job or at least a real job that requires me to do a lot of thinking. Honestly, if I got a job I think I would preform that job as well as possible, but I wonder if what I am experiencing now would continue and interfere with my performance. I have had thoughts of selling all my stuff including my house and finding a cheap place to live here--either with a friend who is renting out part of her house or with someone else. While it sounds like a good idea, I am afraid that I would have too many privacy issues to actually follow through.

The thought of selling all my toys has appeal right now because they just sit there gathering dust. My problem is that I don't want to go through the work to sell them. I thought about having a garage sale, but I worry that I will not get as much money plus I could never do it at my house and transporting all the junk somewhere else is problematic. I think of the things I either want to keep or want to give to specific people. My family has difficulties getting rid of stuff--my parents' house is packed fairly tightly with stuff. Mom has filled every closet and under every bed and Dad just stacks stuff where ever there is room. Dad has a large shop where his business only requires about an eighth of the floor space--the rest is packed with junk from the house. My house is not quite that bad, but my bedroom is absolutely horrible. I keep moving everything there on the rare occasions someone visits.

I wonder if I would be any happier in that type of life. I would have less financial stress, but that doesn't necessarily mean I would be happier.

I thought maybe this week I would actually call the telemarketer that the franchiser wants me to call, but I can't seem to get the nerve. It is like I want to fail. I mean I have given up already without really giving it the try I planned to when I bought the franchise. Just like a lot of things in my life, I had a fantasy and then when it started going wrong I just abandoned it instead of trying to make it work.

I have also been looking at lot of websites about Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the posts and I keep thinking, this isn't me maybe I am not AvPD. I look at the symptoms and signs and I think this is me, but the people talking on the message boards do not seem like me. For one, I am surprised how many are married and have kids. Maybe AvPD developed later or somehow they got through the close personal relationship thing. Maybe their partners were more aggressive when trying to have a relationship with these people. Also, the don't seem to have any friends. I have friends and I do things with them on a regular basis. I make new friends through them and my circle grows. The parts that fit the diagnosis are that when I lose a friend I don't worry about it too much unless they were one of the few close friends, I will sometimes say mean things to friends--I don't know if I am testing their friendship or trying to push them away, and finally even my close personal friends do not know the real me. I have kept a lot of things hidden in my private life from friends and family. This is one reason I don't like people to visit my house. Also, there are times when I fantasize about my different groups of friends coming together, but in reality I do not want that because I am afraid they will compare notes and figure me out. Many of them also talk about not being able to hold down a job or even go outside. I wonder what I have become and will I turn into them. I feel so lost and I am looking for something to identify with, but I don't really want to identify with that group. I keep feeling like I should post my issues and see what others have to say. Really it has only been a handful of people who are posting. I am using the same Brock Garthok pseudonym that I worry that it is not appropriate. It is just a name, but it is goofy and only has meaning to me and some of my friends. Unfortunately, I use it too much and I worry people will find out who I am. Since it is a Yahoo group I should really come up with a new one. I wonder how that works if I change the pseudonym.

As I am thinking about this, I am looking at the video games and accessories that I have and never use. I bought a PS/2 to play Lego Star Wars and that is the only game I have ever played for any length of time. I bought Guitar Hero and played it for a while and really enjoyed it, but I haven't played it in forever even though I have since bought several more Guitar Hero games. I even have a copy of Rock Band and I would love to play with friends, but can't seem to invite anyone over for that. Also, I am too afraid that they will outperform me and I will not be the "hero". I really want some sort of recognition, but am always afraid I don't deserve it when I get it.

I type these things into this blog and really would like some one to read it. I keep thinking I will tell my therapist about it, but I am afraid that see me a needy and will critique what I written. I really want some stranger to stumble across it and make some kind of poignant comment that will help me be better. Although it is just me rambling and whining about my problems and issues, so I don't think anyone will really be interested.

I want an easy way to be a different person. I keep looking at hypnotherapy and wonder if that would do it. I am skeptical, but I hope I can bring it up on Friday. If I coach in a way of getting my therapist's opinion I am hoping that he won't think I am trying to find an easy way out even though I am pretty sure he will know.

On a different topic, I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but I have been playing D&D Encounters at a Friendly Local Game Store. For the last several weeks I actually got to run the encounter. I have really enjoyed it, but part of it is that I want the reward--it is just more stuff that I will just store away and never use. I am also enjoying the power of being in control and it is fulfilling a fantasy of running an encounter and people having fun. I think I have been doing a decent job with the encounters and would almost like to run a Living Forgotten Realms campaign. The attraction is that the modules are already written and I just have to run them. Right now I am not sure where I am going with my life and I don't want the commitment.

I really need to go take a shower and get moving with my day. I have a problem ending things. To me each post ends abruptly because I am done saying what I wanted to say. I envy people like Leonard Nimoy or Stan Lee who have taglines that sound cool to end their posts. Maybe I will come up with one some day.

How about "end of line"?