Why I don’t do the things I want to do.

Every time I want to try to learn to play a musical instrument, I imagine being able to play very well.  When I think about actually taking the lessons I am hesitant because I am afraid what I imagine will not be what happens, even though I think I would find enjoyment in just being able to play the simplest things.  I imagine being able to play Christmas carols at friends’ Christmas party, but I know that even if I could play I would never do it in front of all my friends.  Many things I don’t do, because I think I can do them later.  I put things off constantly.  Part of the reason is that if I don’t do them I won’t be disappointed in the results.  I don’t feel like I will be able to do things as well as I imagine I could do them, so I would rather not.

There are times when I just jump in and do something even though I rationally don’t think it is a good idea.  I let my imagination convince me that this time I will be different and I will be able to fulfill the dream.  It usually takes a few weeks, and then the reality starts creeping in.  I start doubting myself and realize that I won’t make the dream come true and give up.

I am not necessarily self motivated.  When I was younger I was motivated to make money to gain the things in life that would make me happy.  As I got older and had money, I found that the things didn’t make me happy and I had lost a lot of time when I could have been doing the things I kept putting off.  Unfortunately, I am still putting them off.  I don’t think it was ever the money that kept me from doing those things.  It was generally some sort of fear—and most often a fear of what other people would think.  Throughout my life I have shied away from social situations.  I have always had a few close friends and that’s it.  I generally never went anywhere unless it was with these friends.  I only had these friends because of the situation.  I was somehow put into situations where they became my friends out of proximity or through another friend.

Even with my current friends, I have a hard time committing to activities.  When they have parties I generally wait until the last minute to confirm or until they force the issue.  Also, I often do not go to public events with them if it is a social situation where I may be left on my own.  I always want to go with them or attend their parties, but I am always hesitant and always nervous.

It is always too easy to not do anything than to do something.  I want to do something, but I take the easy road out.  I always want things to be easy and usually take the easy path.  I don’t know if this is laziness or what, but it is the thing I most want to change.  It is the hardest thing to change because I don’t want to work at it—I want it to come easy like many other things in my life. 

At this time I also seem to have a lack of concentration.  I can’t seem to focus on a task long enough to complete it.  I am not sure how to rectify this.  I am so easily distracted by other tasks, by TV, or by thinking about things I need to do.  I spend so much time thinking about things I need to do or imagining things I want to do and how nice it would be to do them.  Part of the imaging is the accolades I would get from other people—not necessarily people telling me how great I am, but just a feeling from them of respect and admiration.  I imagine I would be great and people would notice.  I spend a lot of time basically dreaming of a better life where I am special and a lot time thinking about how I will never get my dreams.